Military Spouses

I (34F) have been with my (35M) since we were teenagers. A few years ago I started on this self-healing journey after a major trauma happened to me while my husband was deployed. This event has significantly changed our relationship and I don't think I can get it back.

A little back story, My husband and I both battled and survived traumatic childhoods so we both exhibit extreme cases of PTSD as well as behavior issues.

During my self-healing journey, I have been seeing a therapist, as well as a greiving group and spiritual support. I have learned how to self-regulate my emotions, deal in certain situations and in sever cases, I have learned not to control my anxiety and panic attacks.

He, on the other hand, still lives in his survival mode. He attempts to manipulate, projects and controls everything in our relationship by hanging on the most ridiculous details. He calls me names and verbally and emotionally abuses me. Even to the point of not-speaking to me for days on end knowingly triggering a lot of my childhood triggers. I live in constant emotional pain and I'm so tired of it.

I have gotten to a point in my life where I have everything I need, I think. I have a good job. I have my own car and I have my worth. We do have 4 children and it pains me to think that some day they will model the love of their lives after us.

How do I get out of this situation? Where do I start? He is very child-like in his behavior. I KNOW that if I start by asking for a divorce, he will punish me. He will punish my children. He has only ever been physical with me so I don't think the children are in physical danger, just how he will try to use them against me. I would like to take his training for a month (he is active duty military) to try to get out. But i have NEVER been on my own. I don't even know if I have the credit to get a small home of my own. I have no savings and we share a bank account. I was going to try to stay and ride it out for 5 years until he retires and we have been married for 20 years, but IDK if I can. I don't know what to do. Any advise helps. Thanks