‘Christ what a fucking bitch.’ She said when she thought I couldn’t hear.
I flinched. I could either react and show that I heard and am still easily provoked. Or just ignore it and let her walk away and let the day go on. I mean it stung but coming from her it was no big deal right? Like I’d totally had worse things said right to my face. Just not by her.
I guess I thought we were still cool. Maybe we were and she was just venting? I mean I totally can be a bitch!
I watched her walk away. Then I picked up a big ass lump of concrete that had broken free from the curbside. Like was the board ever going to repair the parking lot? This thing was the size of a baby’s head and it had just rolled loose. I mean if a lifted truck wheel kicked it up it could kill someone and the seniors were always doing burnouts or rolling coal around here. Yea. That’s what I could blame it on.
I carried it like a football and ran up behind her and hurled it caveman style square between her shoulder blades. She went ‘ugh’ and threw out her arms to the side. That was all. Just ‘ugh’. Kinda funny really, like in a cartoon. Then she flopped down onto her front and lay there flat-the-fuck-out gasping for air. Maybe it chipped a vertebrea? I don’t know. I didn’t hang around to find out. I was gone gone gone baby. I almost ran all the way home and believe you me I HATE running.
When I saw her again the next day after IT happened she was still lying there out in the sun. She must’ve been one of the good ones I guess. That fucking bitch. LOL.
You see that was the funny thing! That wasn’t the only weird shit that happened, like there was totes strange things going on that day. Even as I was running home after having nailed marvellous Miss Melissa Krubstandt as she walked away from me and our joint bioscience assignment. (Okay so maybe she did do most of the work and also the reason why she was pissed at me and wouldn’t let me use it. But she knew I would fail if I didn’t have nothing to show for it and that’s why she’s the real bitch here.)
Anyway all that’s not important anymore. Because when I was running home, like in total fear of my life, there seemed to be an awful lot of other people in an awful big hurry too. At first I genuinely thought they were out to get me. Like Melissa had called 911 and there was an APB amber fucking alert thing out for me.
Seriously guys I can not explain how scared I was! Fully expecting the cops to pull up next to me at any second and just take my ass to jail. So when the first prowler went screaming past all blued up I damn near pissed myself. But it didn’t stop it just kept on going and then when I saw the auto crash near the on ramp I was like that’s weird. Like four maybe five cars all just banged up onto the sidewalk. One was sticking out a shop window like WTF?
But like even then I didn’t stop. When I reached my block there were like people just laid out lying in the street but I just was like fuck the homeless. There are sooo many of them around here. I just figured maybe they got into some good shit like the bath salts from a few years back. Plus the cops might be on my ass. I just carried right on.
Home
Then when I got home like Pops was still there. So nothing really seemed out of the ordinary apart from the fact he was banging on and on about hearing heavenly fucking trumpets or some shit. I didn’t really pay him any mind because I thought he was just drunk as usual. Kept asking me if I heard them? I didn’t. Although I told people I did later. Just to fit in I guess. Didn’t want to seem all weird ya know?
I didn’t tell him about Melissa. Figured if the cops show up they show up. Where the fuck would I go anyway? I’d just stick to my story about a truck catching the concrete and flipping it up. Hell that might help the bitch out. Lawsuit against the school board motherfucker! Kaching!
I go to my room and just chill the fuck out in there Juuling some mango clouds with a towel taped to the door because Pops would FUCKING kill me if he smelt me vaping. When he banged on the door I thought he was all het up about that or maybe even the Melissa fiasco. So like I didn’t unlock it but he just shouted some fucken Xstian shit at me. Like we needed to go to church or some shit? And I was like hell no I’m not opening and then he went and I never saw or heard him again.
I think when I came out later I nuked some pizza rolls for dinner but I can’t be sure. Something cheezy with tomato and oregano in it anyway. Then there was a huge fuck off storm and the power went out. Which was kinda cool so I lit a bunch of candles and got in bed and jilled it while I listened to some mellow shit on a spots playlist. Couldn’t tell you what it was. Normally I listen to heavy shit like Papa Roach, Staind or P.O.D.
School
When I left for school the next morning, I thought that during the night like a coyote or something had clawed up the screen door because it was totally shredded. That was the first clue that some ill ass shit was going down. The second was all the people lying dead everywhere. Like everywhere. Street corners, doorways, bus benches. I kinda got excited then. Like fuck is this the zombie apocalypse or what? I went into someone’s yard and took their rake for protection and I don’t know why just carried on going to school.
Like where else was I supposed to go? I mean I wasn’t the only one, some people obvs freaked the fuck out, screaming about end times and behold a pale horse and demons and shit. Which is cool as fuck by the way. But others, they just tried to carry on like nothing was happening. One dude even came up and asked me for some change. Like Jesus of course the bums didn’t get raptured did they? Although I didn’t know it was the fucking rapture then. I still thought it might the zombie apocalypse so I like lifted the rake but he was all like ‘Ma’am I ain’t doin’ no goddam yard work no more’ and off he went.
Okay some of you more popular peeps out there maybe asking why I didn’t like text or whatsapp anybody but the truth is I did but everyone just left me on read. That’s kinda the problem with me I guess. Like what the fuck do you do then? To my uh esteemed pears I either don’t exist or am like a social warning. Like ‘don’t be like that weird bitch over there she’s a freak’ and of course they mean me.
I mean it’s not all bad like I just slide on through ‘doin ma thang’ most the time. Oh and when I was younger I had friends but shit changes. Reasons, seasons or a lifetime Pops used to say and he was hardly mister popularity. I guess we had things in common.
Oh I should say I do have online friends. But who the fuck are they really? And what would I say? Help me guise! It’s the apocalypse! I couldn’t even do that though because the signal on the phones was like super fucky. Just screaming static when I tried to call Pops or internet pages not loading.
When I got to school that was when shit got real. Like ALL the girls were fucking crying, like bawling, and most of the boys too to be fair. People were actually sheltering there as well. Mrs Schneider was like ‘We gotta turn the gym into a dorm’. Because there was like a lot of people who gone there to ‘find others’, or seeking sanctuary or whatever the fuck they thought they wanted.
Kristen and Sabrine Hooper, those fucking varsity twin cunts were just hysterical. Turned out like their parents got raptured while they were all out to lunch at Chick Fil. Like their mom and pop just keeled over into their fucking shitty chicken sandwiches and they were beating themselves up for not being pure enough to go with ’em. ‘Please God take us too please!’ they were SCREAMING it and I couldn’t help it but it was so cringe I just had to laugh. It was funny as fuck.
Actually you know I take that back. Chick Fil is fucking delicious even if they do hate gays.
Storm
So some people who were sheltering there they were freaked out. Some said giant dog faced monsters had attacked their homes in the night and it wasn’t safe. Others said they’d seen things with long tails flying around in the dark. One dude was like they got my wife they got my wife, like he was in shock. Full blown PDDT or PSDT in my opinion.
Then this chubby bearded dude came up and said he was Pastor Abe. He was all like ‘er can you help us we need everyone to pull together!’ And though I wasn’t that into it I couldn’t say no. At first he was like ‘please help us dig graves for the dead in the football field’ and while that is metal as fuck there was no way I wanted to do that. Maybe they picked on me because I was still carrying that stupid rake?
So I lied and said like I had a back injury from a car crash and instead spent a couple of hours smearing marg on Wonder bread which was kinda cool because if you put sugar on it its delicious. I eat like a loaf and half of that shit why is why I’m so goddam fat. Seriously.
Then weirdly it started to get real dark and the wind picked up like a huge ass storm was blowing in. Suddenly all these furniture sized chunks of ice started to fall from the sky and they wrecked ALL the shit. Like they just smashed the gymnasium roof right the fuck down onto the cots. People ran screaming for cover and of course the kitchen where I was at was like one of the few places because of the concrete roof. They just crowded right on in. So many of them and I got fucking pushed to the floor and my phone got fucking stepped on. Oh my god the screen was toast I was so fucking pissed.
But yea that was also when I thought; ‘Fuck this is going to be the apocalypse and I’m just making fucking sandwiches for these assholes like kitchen bitch?’ I’ve seen horror films! people get real nasty real quick and I don’t want to be the pathetic bitch all crawling on the floor getting trampled and busted up. Hell Nope. Not me. So I snatched my phone up real quick and crawled up the counter and took the biggest kitchen knife I could lay my hands on. Which wasn’t that big really but still I needed some protection. Beggars can’t be choosy. I snuck it up in my hoodie sleeve.
The hail stopped eventually. The people caught out in it were PULPED. Some of them, man, just like hamburger meat. People didn’t even know who they were anymore. I think the twins got then too. Because I didn’t see them anymore. Guess they got their wish!
We needed somewhere else to go and Pastor Abe suggested the church because the roof was still standing so we trooped over. The door was barricaded but the pastor took it down and let us in. Prolly about 40 of us? Inside it was quite nice. Not like a chapel church all Catholic and shit but more like a conference center. They even had a pretty bitching PA system would’ve loved to have played some tunes over that!
Church
That night a lot of the other guys were trying to find out who had been raptured and who hadn’t. Pastor Abe filled me in the deets about what that meant. In other words its when god cancelled the world and copied the saved characters he liked so they could go and live in his version of Animal Crossing. Surprisingly, well not to me but to them, a lot of the churchy set had been ‘left behind’ but it turned out a lot of the nerdier boys had received the call funnily enough. Virgins someone said, and I thought if that were the case then I would have gone too.
The pastor was a fucking nerd though. You could see it really eat at him that he was still here. On that I’ve never heard so many ‘Oh why me Lord why me?’s’ in all my life. Everyone was freaking about what they had done not done to be still here. Like they were confessing fucking everything! That was like the best part actually.
There was just so much fucking juicy juice just pouring out everywhere! Winnie Hooper said she jacked off her dog on the reg. Kevin Seagal said he sucked his cousin’s dick. I asked him if his cousin has been raptured and he shook his head with tears rolling down his cheeks but I don’t think he got the joke. Then Sienna Powell came over and hugged him and said it’s ok. Judgement was for the lord and torment was the devils business and it wasn’t up to him.
The demons came that night. They just busted down the door, like Fuck You Guys we’re demons! They certainly looked like demons alright! Proper silicone mask 90’s horror film shit. They chased us into the ah shit, what’s it called? It had a special church name but I forgot it. Anyway we went in there and locked the door and hid and shit our pants.
It was so fucking good! Real house of horror type shit, but REAL! They got like 8 or 9 people. A few others that escaped into (godamnit what the fuck is it called? Everyone kept calling it by this special name I’m a just gonna call it the Clergy) so those that escaped into the Clergy they got stung or clawed or bit and they got sick and there was nothing we could do. We had no medicine because we were in a fucking church.
People cried and prayed all night. While the infected moaned and screamed. Real metal it was. Though it did get to be kind of a pain in th ass.
About 3 am when Pastor Abe was counting heads and saying Dear Lord they took So and So and Whatshername from our congregation and it was pretty much everyone that got grabbed. Something clicked with me then. Anyone who was all fucking word of god or Jesus this or banged a bible talking all about being ‘one of the faithful’. Those people the demons went at like steak and lobster in a Reno buffet. I mean they went for whoever they could snatch but like those people they defo liked more than others. Just thinking about it made me hungry so I went to see if I could scout out some Wonderbread and sugar in the Clergy and bumped into Sienna sitting weeping and softly singing hymns.
I tried to step over her but she reached up and grabbed me. ‘Bailey, she said. Bailey please. I need you to help. You’re strong Bailey.’ And she kept on going on and on. In the end I just said yea sure. I’m not sure I even heard her correctly but then Pastor Abe came over from tending to one of the ladies that got a good clawing.
To be honest I was just looking to sneak off but Sienna started babbling at him. ‘Pastor I know you’ve always challenged me that I didn’t use my faith or look to god when I came here with my mom.’ She sniffled daintily and his chunky ass face was the fucking picture of concern. ‘But Bailey and I were talking about we’d like to make a commitment to God and help you go out and look for the taken tomorrow.’
Ah FUCK. I never believed in any of this shit to be honest. That’s Dad’s thing and that well. That was just him being a dry drunk you know? I mean I did some flipside shit right? Tarot and the usual wiccan and crystals crap but you know I never really believed in that shit either. And now here she is saying that she never really believed too but now she sees the light and truth and that she believes with all her heart in the lord and jesus and in my head I’m like bitch are you crazy? Now?
Haven’t you figured that even saying that shit out loud is like rolling in garlic salt and ranch sauce to these fucking monsters? Now when all those thirsty bitches was judging you for being all about tha partay, this is the time you actually fucken choose team Xtian? Because I believe quite firmly that those fucking monsters are gonna eat your ass! And not like half the wrestling team did either!
Pastor Abe nodded all sagely before opening his mouth. ‘Angels. That’s what you are.’ He actually fucking said that.
Outside
Dawn came. Fuck it I thought. Lets go outside with the crazies. Maybe I can find something to eat. Pastor Abe had armed himself with like a chair leg and also managed to talk Kevin Seagal into coming along. Though cocksucker Kev didn’t look like he wanted to, kept shaking his head and murmuring. Gotta hand it to him though, as soon our weakass barricade came down he booked it right away. Sienna even screamed at him ‘OH NO KEVIN!’ He didn’t even look back. Oh and the sky had turned this sweet shade of purple too.
So we’re outside and no demons. Sienna and the pastor seemed pretty relieved. We didn’t exactly search too hard for the people the demons took. It was more of a quick scoot around the parking lot and over by the school fence. There was a shit ton of blood everywhere and what was left of any bodies was totally chewed. Like a I found a hand and set of Yeezy’s with the feet still in them!
When we got to the fountain down by the sidewalk I was about to call it quits with them and go on my merry ass way. But Pastor Abe, took hold of Sienna and mumbled some prayer and she actually looked all tearful and happy. Then quick as you like he just dunked her ass in the fountain. She came up all gasping and shit. I burst out laughing. Then they turned to me.
‘You have to make a choice. You can either choose to believe and accept God to be saved or suffer hells torments on this plane. Those that went have eternal life now. Eternal bliss with all the other good people. That’s what you deserve Bailey’ The pastor nodded at me so did Sienna, she had those big wide eyes like they do when they’re try to convince you of some bullshit. I nodded at both of them.
Absolutely. Totally sir. I believe you a hundred and ten percent sir. I can make my eyes go big and serious too. But seriously, you want me pray to a god who has left us to this? Not only that but actually get fucking dunked, sorry ‘born again’, from some dirty ditch ass fountain water? Have they not notice that shit attracts these things? That the lord baby jesus is happy to let things that look like the dude from Jeepers Creepers fucked a cockroach tear people to pieces? All because it’s what ‘the Lord willed?’ How does that prayer go? Please god may abominations rip out my guts and string me up from a sycamore because I don’t want to live on this world no more amen? Yeeeeaaaaaaa rrrrriiiggghhttt.
I could hear the buzzing of the wings of the hellspawn already. Like a thousand thundering horses my ass, they sounded more like yellow jackets riding dirt bikes. I think I was still smiling as I backed away but Sienna wasn’t having it. ‘Please let us save you!’ She was crying and grabbing at me, so and I ain’t proud of it but I just pulled the knife on her like get the fuck off me. I didn’t mean to cut her really. You know when your a kid and you throw a ball hard and you think your pop will catch it and you want to make it difficult but it just hits him in the balls? Yea it was like that. I mustve nicked an artery because she reeeaaaaallly bled. Screamed too. Then the things came for her. Oh boy.
What they did to Sienna didn’t shock me. I mean their fucking demons right? What do you expect them to do. If you watch a lot of horror films too it also looks weirdly mundane. Like when you see a racoon or a chicken being killed and this growling or clucking living animal with its own personality becomes just a thing lying there all still. Now it’s just an object and the energy of life has just gone from it and now it’s all it will ever do is rot. That’s the most horrifying thing about death, even violent death.
At least in horror films you know everything is an object and even when they die the vivid colors and makeup make ’em seem still alive somehow. But like when they’re really, really dead a person just looks like meat. Stick it in a styrofoam tray and saran wrap it and you wouldn’t know the difference apart from maybe the hair.
Anyhoo pastor fuckface ran towards them crying out. ‘Begon oh foul beasts in the name of jesus’ or the blood of the lamb or some bible babble I don’t remember exactly. I do remember he was crying, like proper like a baby sobs and tears and then they turned on him too! He got out one final jesus, really shrieked it at them and held out his cross and they just burned that shit down with a click of their tentacles.
And then of course once they’d chicken nuggeted him, they looked at me. Well the one with a face did anyway, and I kinda felt the big one with the mouth in it’s stomach did too. it appeared that religious or not, I was next on the menu and the entrance to the church was like a hundred yards away and remember I hate running? I pulled out the can of paint and sprayed a circle on the ground, begon demon i shouted you cannot enter! And the one with the face started, well I wouldn’t call it a laugh but his mandibles chattered like he was having a jolly old chuckle and well I had to laugh too.
When he spoke his voice sounded like a squeaky toy. All high like he’d been huffin helium. He said to me. ‘Hey sis, You wanna smoke some shit?’ And quite frankly what the fuck was I gonna tell him? No? Nah. I said ‘Yo aiiight!’ and stepped out the circle. He clapped me on the shoulder with like his third arm and you know it felt kinda good! ‘Go see shorty over there.’ He said. I looked over at this squashed looking motherfucking midget demon. It winked at me. I shrugged and went over to it. ‘Guess you wid us now huh?’
‘Yea I spose.’ I said. ‘You got something to smoke for me? I’d fucking kill for a vape.’ ‘Oh yea? Well now you gon do both girl! Come over and help cut the heart out this church cut motherfucker.’ So I followed the little creep. And you know what, fucking Kevin Seagal again! This big ass abomination with like sixteen arms was holding him up for me. I was like Holy shit hi Kevin! Took a hit on their weird ass fleshy pipe thing and just buried that fucking knife up to the handle in his chest. It felt pretty good. The vape and the killing. He made a noise like a sheep too. Blleeaaaatttt! LOL. Fucking sheeple! I guess deep down he always was just one of the flock.
Lil’ midget holmes demon seemed pretty pleased. Told me how to cut out the heart as well. Easier than you think! When I asked him whether they were gonna eat my ass or jump me and him the big sixteen armed monster just started laughing. Apparently I was good!
So you see, that’s how I totally didn’t hear the trumpets of the fucking metatron or whatever the fuck it is. They just weren’t meant for the likes of me.