Let me start by saying, I know I’m absolutely the asshole here. This situation was created by my asshole behaviour, and I would like to not be such an asshole going forward.

TLDR: years ago, I kissed a friend while blackout drunk. We were both dating our now-spouses at the time. Since then, I’ve cut off that friendship, confessed to my wife and stopped drinking. Now my ex-friend’s partner has reached out to invite me to his birthday. How do I reply/sever this connection?

Longer version:

Years ago, while I dating my now-wife (call her Claire), I went through a period of drinking way too much. Health stuff, job stuff, addiction stuff, the usual bullshit. One night, while totally wasted, I kissed my friend Emma. (I was going in and out of being blackout drunk, but I remember it clearly.) We stopped, talked briefly the next day to agree it was a horrible, stupid mistake, and basically mutually ghosted the friendship.

Now, year later, I’ve stopped binge-drinking, found effective medical treatment, and done a LOT of therapy and work to try to not be such an asshole. I’ve talked to my wife Claire about EVERYTHING that happened during that rough time, INCLUDING KISSING EMMA. Claire forgave me, thank God, and our relationship is the best it’s ever been.

Because I haven’t kept in touch with Emma, I have no idea whether she ended up telling or not telling her husband John. John and I were friendly, but I was mostly friends with Emma - we had a shared interest that John didn’t particularly enjoy. I haven’t talked to either of them in years and had no intention of ever doing so.

However, yesterday John texted me out of the blue to invite me to his birthday party (not Emma’s). He wrote a really nice note, saying he know’s it’s been a long time since we’ve spoken but it would mean a lot if I came.

I have no idea how to respond. I don’t want to rekindle a friendship here. Emma has not contacted me at all, so I assume she doesn’t want to either.

This situation stems from a really selfish, painful and destructive time of my life. Being honest has also been a crucial part of my recovery, and I still work hard to (politely and kindly) avoid telling even social lies.

I don’t know what’s going on with Emma and John, and I don’t want to get involved. I don’t want to cause unnecessary pain just to relieve my discomfort. I want to talk to my wife about it, but right now I don’t want to make Claire help me process my feelings about a horrible thing I did to her.

Should I text John the truth about why I can’t come? Make up a vague health excuse? Text Emma and tell her she needs to talk to John? Just block both of them on everything and throw my phone away? (I’m joking… but I’m not joking.) Seriously, I have no perspective on what the best option is here. Any advice would be appreciated.