One time in college I had sex with a friend of mine. She was the ex gf of my old friend/roommate. They had been broken up for over a year so we felt/knew it was ok cuz everybody were adults but it also still felt a little weird. One because we were friends and two because I think we may have each held a little bit of guilt over that? And also maybe we were both a bit insecure still about our bodies and we were suddenly naked and vulnerable in front of one another. Anyway, we had sex in her bed, and then passed out. And when I woke up, I felt dirty, I knew my breath stunk, she was kissing all over my neck and her breath kind of stunk, and I think the fact that I felt dirty made me feel like she felt dirty. Then she moved from my neck to my chest to my thighs to blowing me. (Does any of that make any fucking sense???)

All of these things rolled into one present moment, including the feelings of uncertainty from the night before and the present feeling of general college grime (esp knowing we had had sex the night before and not showered yet), made it REALLY hard for me to enjoy. And I wanted to enjoy it and I wanted her to think I was enjoying it, and the incongruity of wanting to enjoy it for multiple reasons and not enjoying it for multiple reasons made me enjoy it even less.

So I didn’t enjoy that blow job.

Then one time I had outrageously intense and wonderful sex with a one night stand and she woke me up by blowing me. And I loved it.

This is a long story that I think illustrates how weird sex is and how it is so much more than just physical, or even individual elements of physical and mental and emotional. It’s all of those things complexly intersecting.