Taṣawwuf - الْتَّصَوُّف

i was born and raised in a Muslim household. in my teenage years, i went through long periods of depression which made me a total mess. when i was starting to recover, i found this lady online who talked about balancing your energies, holding boundaries and all that stuff. i started practicing it, given that it was harmless and just about self development. so like after an year into it, i had an awakening. a series of events lead to it including me switching majors. hopelessness was replaced with gratitude and grief was overcome by bliss. my existence felt light and my soul elevated. i became more gentle, kind and generous. movies/music stopped appealing to me. my phone addiction was gone. i started praying and listening to Quran bcs it gave me peace and the sense of connection to Allah. (note that the lady who i was learning from had no definite religion) i realised how our lives are so carefully planned and that nothing that happened to me was without a purpose. this strengthened my faith in the Creator.

Anyways my whole personality changed during that time (—psychedelic experience without actual psychedelics). i wouldn’t even have recognised myself from a few months ago. until then i had no idea that i have any relation to spirituality. it’s been 6-7 months since the awakening. i have also explored the concept of Unity of Being which i kind of also felt when i was in the state of higher consciousness. i have also looked into Buddhist and Hindu traditions which also preach the same concept. and i’ve also listened to people who refer to God as the “Universe” and believe that they’re the “Universe experiencing itself through human beings”. i was naïve and wasn’t even able to tell that this is disbelief. i thought these were just different words used to mean the same things. my faith was turbulent. my connection with Allah weakened and i started feeling like my prayers weren’t heard and that everything is already planned as it is.

the state of higher consciousness didn’t last longer than 2 months. my personality was changing again and it was really depressing. then someone pointed out that it’s the ego that is resisting the change. i moved into acceptance and my life was back on track. but now prayers (namaz) don’t feel the same anymore and i have very low faith in the Quran. i miss the connection i had with Allah bcs nothing else really fulfils me. I don’t know what to do about it bcs nothing seems to help.

Also i want to ask the sufi brothers/sisters, how do we know which path is right? bcs there are mystics who claim to be close to God but don’t practice Islam and could perform miracles too (talking to rivers, plants etc).