Today I Fucked Up

I am 26, male, and for years have lived in... not the nicest environment, ie, at home with my mother. She used to be the best and most loving mother ever, but since the death of my father four years ago she turned. She became pretty emotionally abusive, often lashing out at me for little to no reason, and laying loads of shit onto me that shouldn't be my responsibility. She became incredibly controlling and dominating, basically started ruling my life and taking advantage of me, and would get nasty and make my life hell if I said "no" to her or tried to set any kind of boundary. She also made my life hell if I ever talked about moving out, absolutely POUNDING it into my head that leaving her is not an option. Over the last four years, I lost all my friends, I lost my budding career, I lost my independence, and wound up stone broke and gaining 50 pounds. Over time, I kinda just accepted this was the rest of my life, and just continued to exist to serve my mother and all her needs and whims, while occasionally getting to do something I wanted to do.

But about a year ago, a ray of hope entered my life. One of the few friends I had left started working as a developer at a company. This wasn't just any company. This was a company I had a 10-year history with. I had created a website that had grown large, about 10 years ago, in relation to their flagship product, which still remains relevant to this day.

My friend encouraged me to apply, saying "you will be a fucking celebrity if you work here, man", and "you absolutely will get a job if you apply here". She pulled some strings, and got a recruiter to talk with me personally, over Zoom. We talked, and she was absolutely blown away by my website. She got me in touch with another recruiter, who said that applications will be opening soon, and I should apply as soon as they open, and let her know personally when I had applied.

Two weeks later, the applications opened, and I spent a WEEK perfecting it.

Myself and my friend were SO sure I was going to get this. I didn't even bother applying for anything else, because getting this job was a given.

It took FIVE WEEKS (in part because of Christmas), but I finally heard back from them saying I was through to the next round. I had to complete a virtual interview and a work sample. I did these, and submitted them. A week later, I was invited to two more interviews. These interviews went absolutely amazingly. The conversation ebbed and flowed, and was absolutely brimming with positivity. They too were absolutely blown away by my achievements and website and knowledge of their company spanning back almost its entire lifetime. One interviewer in one of my panels kept spending large chunks of the interview JUST to ask me about the website. My friend was right, I WAS being treated a bit as a celebrity, and I was only at interviews!

Coming out of these interviews, me getting this job was pretty much a certainty. My friend, her friends, and even other people she worked with at the company were all saying the same. "He will get this, absolutely, there is no doubt. People a tenth as qualified as him get hired".

After the two interviews were done, I waited, and I waited, and I waited. I was just waiting for that email saying "congratulations!" and a job offer. Days turned into weeks, and I drove myself absolutely crazy waiting for this congratulatory email. I jumped every time I heard an email sound, in case it was them (and it never was). I had a big counter in my room counting the number of days since the interview. Three weeks went by, and I still hadn't heard. It was all I could think about. Needless to say, I was not applying for ANYTHING else. I even put up with all the abuse and shit and guilt coming my way because I knew I was going to get this job which would finally break the cycle and eventually give me the money to move out.

On day 28 of waiting, four fucking weeks, I finally did hear back from them. And I think you can probably guess what happened.

I got a stone cold, generic, rejection email. It simply said, "We were really impressed with your achievements, but unfortunately we have decided not to go ahead with your candidacy".