India: United We Stand

I [30m] have had a relatively privileged upbringing, and currently hold a highly paid government job. In terms of material goods, I don't really want for anything. Yet, the social and political decline of this country has left me feeling emotionally exhausted. I am unable to think of bringing children into this society and making them party to the depredations that are to unfold here. I have taken a visa to study in Canada.

My family thinks I'm being overly sensitive by worrying about the social climate since the ruling party is only going after the minorities and Dalits (I am an upper caste Hindu). While they acknowledge the persecution, they think I am a little too obsessed with the news and blowing things out of proportion. They think it doesn't make any sense to leave a highly sought after government job and start from scratch in the West to live as a second-class citizen.

The lynchings, the riots, the muzzling of civil liberties make me feel suffocated. I feel isolated and alone since everyone at work and in my social circle is aligned with the zeitgeist of bringing into being an ethno-theocratic state. The pollution, the traffic, the crimes against women, the rat race for education and for jobs, the transactional marriages, the lack of basic decency in people weigh down on me. The complete collapse of the Indian state during the second wave of Covid snuffed out any hope of things getting better.

My wife thinks that there is no point living comfortably in India if I'm not happy here. She has said she is willing to struggle with me and thinks we'll be okay as long as we're together. Yet, I wonder if it's right of me to make her leave everyone she has known and settle elsewhere just for my sake. Everyone else in the family is asking me to drop the idea, and thinks I can have mental peace where I presently am if I focus on the positives. I know I will break my mother's heart if I leave.

My parents have unconditionally done all they could for me. I was brought up with love and care, and my parents did all they could to give me a great start in life. Ever since my first job, my parents refused to take anything from my earnings. I was always told I could marry any person I wanted as long as I liked her, and that's what I did. I lost my father a couple of years ago, and while my mother is financially independent, she leans on me heavily for emotional support. Just knowing that I am there for her and can come visit when required is enough for my mother. I am torn between caring for her and worrying about the kind of future I am going to give to my children, and my own mental peace. My sister is a single mother with a daughter, and if I were to leave then there would be no one left to look out for them. I plan to take them all with me eventually after a few years, but I have my doubts about whether they'll be able to adjust.

Edit: Those who're saying that I am running away are right. I don't think I can shut myself off from what's happening around me and still consider myself a good person. I went to the CAA protests in Gujarat knowing that I would face a departmental inquiry or lose my job if my name came out. But, after losing my father, and getting married, I can't bear to see people close to me getting hurt because of me. I attend meetings with senior bureaucrats, and stay silent when they casually talk about wanting more subjugation and slaughter in this country. Struggling for a more equitable and harmonious nation seems futile when the people of this country have decided on the path they are going to take. It makes me feel like I am losing a bit of myself every time I witness the bigotry of the people around me. I have a Muslim friend in Gujarat who told me one day that he has had to make peace with the fact that he may lose his family to a murderous mob one day and all that he has worked all his life for may come to nothing, I could say nothing.

To be present here and do nothing, to not stand in the way of murderous mobs, to not excoriate those who spread hate in public, to not stand with the victims instead of the assailants taints my hands with blood and will taint the hands of those who come after me. I would rather remove myself from having to make this choice. So, yes, I am running away.

I envy those who can look away from what's happening right now, just like people pretend not to notice the beggars who approach them. It would make it easier to go to sleep at night.