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Today I Fucked Up

r/tifu

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Posted by16 hours ago
WholesomeBravo Grande!Take My EnergyAll-Seeing Upvote

This happened a long time ago when I was about 12 years old. I'm from Slovakia, where we have this really weird tradition during Easter (it's right around the corner!) that involves pouring buckets of water on women and spanking them with whips made out of willow branches, decorated with colorful ribbons that each girl you visit attaches to the rest. There are literally groups of guys walking down the street looking like the peaky fookin blinders collecting debts during that day lol.

Understandably, this may appear very bizarre or even barbaric to a foreigner at first glance as it simply sounds like we go door-to-door chasing, waterboarding, and beating women. While partially true, there is some symbolism behind it and these customs go way back to ancient spring festivals. We pour buckets of water on our women to make sure that they stay as beautiful as they are for the entire year. The same goes for the spanking custom, where we additionally ward off evil spirits. Sounds much better now doesn't it?... Doesn't it?... Now with this cultural background info in mind, back to my story.

I always enjoyed English lessons when I was a kid, however, my grammar and vocabulary were very limited at that time since I was a beginner. One day, a new teacher arrived in our school. She was young, came from Oregon, and was really nice and friendly. I may have had a little crush on her. The fact that she was a native English speaker was very exciting to everyone and it was the first time I've interacted with a foreigner in a second language.

She often talked about her life in America, her own customs and traditions such as Thanksgiving or Halloween that we don't really celebrate here. A couple of months after her arrival, during the Easter holidays, I wanted to demonstrate our customs to her for a change, and thought I'd pay her a visit.

Naturally, I equipped myself with a small bucket of water, a nice perfume that you add after the whole ordeal is over and besides granting them infinite beauty they also smell nice afterwards. Then of course, my primary weapon - a traditional willow whip. After getting ready, I made my way to her apartment building - UNANNOUNCED.

Once I reached the door, found her name, got my broken English ready, and confidently buzzed her apartment. She clearly wasn't expecting any visitors and sounded genuinely confused. The dialogue went something like this:

*buzz*

- Yes?

- Hello, I am.

- Who is it?

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Posted by14 hours ago

I’m a non traditional student going back to school to finish my degree.

In my Bio 122 lab class we dissected rats. There were two types of rats, “bucket rats” which were pretty large and “bag rats” which were smaller. We were supposed to alternate with our other table mates so we could see both. The other group at my table didn’t want to do the big rat so I agreed to swap with them and do the “bucket rat”.

My rat was absolutely MASSIVE, not including his tail his body was nearly as long as my forearm and his middle was so big I could barely put my hands around him. My teacher comments on how he was a “big boy!”

When it was time to cut him open, I soon realized that the reason he was so big was because he had two golf ball size tumors in his lower abdomen. My teacher was ecstatic. She said she had never seen anything like that before. She told us to work around then and we would look at them as a class at the end.

It was a real pain working around the tumors, as I’m sure you can imagine they obstructed quite a bit since they were so large. Several organs were not where they should have been as well. I ended up having to remove the smaller tumor so that I could see the bladder.

At the end of lab when everyone else had cleaned up their stations, my teacher instructed me to take my rat to the middle of the room and cut open the tumors so that everyone else could watch.

Now for the traumatic part…. I quickly realized that the tumors weren’t actually tumors as I cut into the first one. They were giant pus filled cysts. Creamy off white liquid started squirting out. The stench was horrible. Several of my classmates jumped back in horror. My teacher found this development to be even more “awesome!”. She made me squeeze out the contents while she recorded a video, loudly proclaiming “yeah! Just like dr pimple popper!!!”.

I’m not sure how I made it out of that lab without losing my lunch.

I shouldn’t have agreed to switch rats.

TL;DR: I agreed to switch my smaller rat for the larger “bucket” rat to dissect in Bio lab. Ended up having two large pus filled cysts. Teacher made me cut them open and squeeze the contents out in front of the entire class while she recorded.

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Posted by8 hours ago

Basically I took off the cap and the glass was broken underneath and I managed to barely nick my finger. I had a liquid culture growing in the tube and I have no idea if it got in my cut at all because my hands sweat constantly and are always wet. I am an undergrad researcher and I work on a project that is isolating and identifying bacteria found in howler monkey feces at the local zoo as well as comparing it to some control samples from around their habitats. I am not very good at it but this is the first time I have injured myself despite being a clumsy idiot most of the time, so I asked one of the bio professors at my school (who was initially worried; it is a bad idea to start a sentence with "who do I tell if I injure myself in the lab" without clarifying that it is a ridiculously tiny cut) and they tell me to call campus police so they can fill out a report. So I call them, they have no idea what I'm talking about and I just go to student health.

Student health is baffled as I try to explain to them that it is a tiny cut, I definitely don't need stitches, but I may have been exposed to an unknown bacteria. I tell them that the bacteria was a control from the quarantine howler monkey habitat at the zoo and they're all worried because they think this was where some random wild monkey is living who was probably sick so I'm trying to explain to them that they just quarantine every monkey that they get and this guy just came from a different zoo.

They keep asking what the name of the bacteria is so they can go look it up. I tell them I don't know what kind of bacteria it is but it's gram positive and if they really want me to and I can do some antibiotic resistance tests on it next week. They ask for my professor's contact info so they can ask him and I try to explain to them that he is on sabbatical and there is not a single person in the world who knows what this strain of bacteria actually is. The doctor initially suggested I just do a prophylactic course of antibiotics but I didn't want that because antibiotic resistance so she called the county department of health, who are also completely baffled but say to just treat it like any other cut and contact the state dept of health. By the time this is all over I have been told nothing useful, everyone is confused and mildly concerned, and I'm exhausted and hungry because I missed my lunch and my nap while I was sitting in a doctor's office for an hour writing down everything I know about this bacteria.

Afterwards, I go to campus police and this time student health called ahead and said they need to do a report. The campus police officer was also baffled but took down my report. I end up explaining all of my research to him because he has no idea what I'm talking about and at the end of the day all I know is that the strain is gram positive. At this point I can finally go home but tomorrow I have to meet with someone at my school to talk about how we can prevent injuries in the future. I was completely exhausted at this point so when I got home I took like a 2 hour nap and now I won't be able to sleep at night. I got a call back from the doctor saying that the state DOH called them back and said to just watch out for any warning signs of infection and that I might as well do antibiotic resistance testing on it in case I do start to die and need antibiotics I guess. She said I was her first monkey bacteria patient and was laughing the entire time (I was too because what else are you supposed to do when a tiny cut turns into an all day ordeal?)

The state DOH also said that since this type of monkey isn't known for carrying zoonotic diseases other than like gastrointestinal stuff people get anyway they aren't super concerned and since it wasn't a wild monkey I probably won't get sick. I still don't think anyone understands that the bacteria in question did not come from monkey feces but from around where the monkey was living.

TL;DR Cut myself on a dirty test tube with monkey habitat bacteria in it. No one knew what to do. Everyone is confused. I am tired. If you hear about a new zoonotic monkey disease taking over the planet, it might be my fault.

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Posted by10 hours ago

Yeah I wish I was joking. As I was giving him a blow job, he was being too forceful (fully consensual—calm down Reddit police.), at some point my jaw went fully slack and numb, this is legit the worst part about blowjobs and the one single thing that I hate about doing them—jaw pain. Anyways, with him fully in me, as deep back my throat as he can go, my jaw shut down and my mouth fell close I didn’t even realize what I was doing, my teeth dug right into him as if I totally intended biting it off. I never heard a grown man scream so loud. His dick left my mouth so fast and he was all but twisting in pain. I almost started crying in shock and terror.

We ended up in the ER, another humiliating experience to go through, now he can’t use his dick for a while and has to put on some cremes on it to heal and prevent an infection since my teeth apparently left wounds and irritated the skin. He’s a bit salty—pun not intended—and has sworn off blow jobs. I think I traumatized him a bit. But I’m honestly paying the price already by being his at home nurse (unfortunately without much sex).

TL:DR tifu by almost biting my boyfriend’s dick off while giving him a blowjob and we ended up in the ER

Edit: Damn I told y’all to clam down already but ofc people are saying all sorts of nonsense, like who told y’all I didn’t like and enjoy it?

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r/TIFU means Today I Fucked Up
Created Mar 4, 2012

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