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A place to explore spiritual awakening

r/awakened

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95
Posted by20 hours ago

During my time as a Zen monk I had an experience where I felt like I almost went crazy.

Over several days I kept having this experience that something was “off”. I was reminded of a Zen teaching that says: “When I first began to practice, mountains were mountains and rivers were rivers. As I trained, mountains were not mountains; rivers were not rivers.”

I felt mountains were not mountains and rivers were not rivers - I was lost.

A took a long walk through the nearby hills and as I went I felt like a mad man swinging between “aha moments” of clarity and certainty and then sheer doubt of confusion.

Over and over it felt like my mind was tripping on itself. I’d try to be mindful of the present moment and just be there but it’s like I’d get cut off. I’d think “Am I doing it? Is this it? No something is wrong…” At this point I started to worry I’d given myself neurosis or something - it almost felt like I’d forgotten how to walk but instead of my feet not working it was my mind.

As I reached the top of Coyote Ridge, the tops of the San Francisco skyline drifted in and out of the mist and the dusky silhouette of the golden gate bridge peaked out behind the far hills.

And I was struck by the teaching of Dogen Zenji - “And yet, if a hair's breadth deviation exists, the gap is like that between heaven and earth; once the slightest like and dislike arises, all is confused and the mind is lost.”

This must be what he’s talking about. What is the root cause of all of this pendulum swings in and out of confusion? Thought!

It is my thinking that interrupts the flow of actual experience. It is thinking about experience that undoes the experience. It is the intellectual mind grasping and figuring out that collapses the function of actual experience.

Thinking about experience is not experience. Thinking about being is not being.

95
28 comments
6
Posted by7 hours ago

are all negative responses based upon trauma?

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12 comments
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79
Posted by1 day ago
79
47 comments

About Community

Awakening is the realization that far more can be found in direct experience than any concept, belief system, or narrative. The process of awakening is an ever-unfolding one, a deepening of that which is beyond all words and thoughts. We are in service of discovering that for ourselves.
Created Jun 17, 2012

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When posting, please try to keep these things in mind:

  • Posts should be about spiritual awakening: the direct experience of what we really are
  • Self-honesty is critical on the path of spiritual awakening, as such, take care to (i) only provide insights or guidance from your direct experience of awakening, and (ii) not to speak in such a way that indicates a level of spiritual maturity that is not reflective of your actual direct experience (this can significantly impede your own development and maybe that of others).
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