EntertainmentCould You Pass The U.S. Citizenship Test?While every naturalized American citizen must take the U.S. citizenship exam, only one third of American-born citizens could actually pass it. How many answers to these basic U.S. civics questions can you answer correctly?
Breaking NewsZelensky Calls On U.S. To Send Totally Psycho MarineKYIV, UKRAINE—In a desperate plea for aid in the continued effort to expel his nation’s Russian occupiers, sources reported Friday that President Volodymyr Zelensky had called upon the United States to send a totally psycho marine to assist in…
PoliticsDrop Box Outside National Archives Allows Ex-Presidents To Anonymously Return Classified DocumentsWASHINGTON—In an effort to encourage those who were in possession of sensitive items to bring them back as soon as possible, White House officials announced Friday that a new drop box outside the National Archives would allow former presidents to…
News In Brief‘Hope You Don’t Mind I Shoveled Your Sidewalk Too,’ Says Neighbor In Devastating Blow To Dad’s MasculinityNAPERVILLE, IL—Struggling to recover after suffering such a severe assault, the masculinity of local dad Robert Banzino reportedly sustained a devastating blow Tuesday when his neighbor Mark Stewart took it upon himself to shovel the snow from…
Breaking NewsU.S. Officials Announce Plans To Continue Pretending Brutal State-Sponsored Violence Not Supposed To Happen
MagazineOur Annual Parenting Edition: How Much Wine Is Too Much Wine For Your Infant And Other Questions Answered
Breaking NewsTrump Returns To Facebook After 2 Years To Find Everyone Engaged And Having BabiesPALM BEACH, FL—Wistfully remarking how things had changed since he left the social media site two years ago, former President Donald Trump reportedly returned to Facebook Thursday to find everyone engaged and having babies. “Oh wow, Kevin and…
LocalDolphin Trained To Kill By U.S. Military In ’60s Now Lying Destitute In StreetSAN DIEGO—Remaining unhoused despite the brave sacrifices he made to keep America safe, sources reported Friday that Tinker, a local dolphin trained to kill by the U.S. military in the 1960s, was found lying destitute under a bridge downtown. “It’s…
OpinionConservatives Explain Why They Oppose An AP African American History CourseFlorida Gov. Ron DeSantis recently blocked an Advanced Placement African American history course from public schools. The Onion asked conservatives why they oppose an AP African American history course, and this is what they said.
OpinionGoogle Employees React To Company LayoffsAfter Google recently cut 12,000 jobs, The Onion asked the former employees what they thought about the tech company’s layoffs.
MagazineOur Annual Parenting Edition: How Much Wine Is Too Much Wine For Your Infant And Other Questions Answered
BasketballMichael Jordan Opens Up About Long-Term Effects Of Orange Gatorade Seeping Out Of HeadJUPITER ISLAND, FL—Shedding light on a condition he’s been quietly struggling with since the ’90s, basketball legend Michael Jordan opened up Thursday about the long-term effects of orange Gatorade seeping out of his head. “Back in my playing days,…
