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Today I Fucked Up

r/tifu

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21.0k

Posted by14 hours ago

Wholesome

Evil Cackle

Facepalm

TIFU by asking my wife for a paternity test

This didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago. My wife of 4 years gave birth to our first child last year. Both my wife and I are blue eyed and light skinned. Our baby has a darker skin tone. Over the past 6 months his eyes turned a very dark brown.

I had my doubts. My friends and family had questions. I read too many horror stories online.

I asked my wife half jokingly one day if she was sure the kiddo was mine. She starred daggers at me and said of course he is. I let it go for a while, but I still had a nagging doubt.

So right after thanksgiving I told her I wanted a paternity test to put my doubts to rest. She agreed.

A few weeks ago I came home to an empty house. Wife and son gone. On the bed she left the paternity results. And a petition for divorce.

Kid is 100% mine. Now I will only get to see him weekends and I lost the most amazing woman I have ever known.

TL;DR - I asked my wife for a paternity test. She decided she didnt want to be married to someone who didnt trust her.

21.0k

1.1k

Posted by20 hours ago

TIFU by abruptly stopping my volunteer work with pelicans, probably ruining my career

Made a throwaway to get advice on this elsewhere previously but it's become clear it's more of a TIFU than anything else...

I study zoology in University, and as part of our degree we're supposed to get a certain amount of field experience (also most good zoos / animal internships demand it).

So when our ornithology professor mentioned a volunteer opportunity with pelicans through some local group, I thought that sounded cool and I signed up, and was one of two students chosen.

It was supposed to be us 2 and a professional helping to "band" young pelicans for research, where you slip a little band around their ankle that's unobtrusive to the birds but useful for tracking purposes.

So the three of us got out to the island, for a long day of pelican-banding. The professional showed us how to do it and how to deal with an uncooperative pelican, and then I gave it a try on one and did it right...but then the third pelican I tried it on vomited all over me as I was doing it.

I let it go and started gagging, and felt really nauseated. My whole lap and shirt were covered in it and the smell was horrendous. I just sat there retching and trying to wipe it off but to not much avail.

After a few minutes the professional said "Hey, come on, we've got a lot more to do...I've been puked on too already, nothing to worry about." But I said no, I'm not going to go get puked on 10 more times today while doing this, I can't handle that. He got annoyed and said "really, you're going to leave 3 people's work with just 2 people for the day? We said it would be messy work," I thought well, not this messy...

So I just sort of sat there for a few hours while they worked and tried to distract myself from my vomit-stained shirt with my phone until it was time to leave...the trip back was hell too, they both stunk so bad I couldn't take it.

Needless to say my professor is mad at me but I'm not sure what I was supposed to do, I would have gotten sick myself if I kept at it...

Just today I met with him to try to smooth it over with him, he said he understood why I felt sick but that I probably wouldn't be getting any other volunteer opportunities for the time being...which, since those seem to be needed for internships and jobs, means I might be screwed

1.1k

21

Posted by3 hours ago

TIFU by thinking I was starring in Psycho

So I’m taking a shower whilst home alone, when I suddenly become aware that Someone is in the bathroom with me.

I can’t see out of the shower because of my dark shower curtain and poor eyesight, so I freeze and try to use my other senses to save my skin from what is surely an evil intruder. I debate internally whether I heard the door open or not.

I also debate whether to confront the intruder. If there is no one there, (and there logically could not be, because my apartment’s door is locked), then I will feel foolish for checking. If I do not check, I get murdered in the shower like Janet Leigh in Psycho.

As I think of all this I slowly become more and more certain that there IS someone in the room with me, and I NEED to do something about it. I do not know what I thought I was going to do to them while wet, naked, and myopic, but I was in survival mode at that point.

I rip the shower curtain open and confront the presence.

A tiny black blob leaps a foot into the air before scrambling out the door, looney tunes style.

There was an intruder, but it was not a person. My poor little cat had pushed the door open so she could get into the bathroom (where her litter box also is) and I had jumpscared her in the middle of her toilette.

Now my cat is scared of me, and scared of going to her litter box, and I feel like a fool for forgetting I had a cat.

TL;DR: Thought my cat was Norman Bates and scared the shit out of her.

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61

Posted by11 hours ago

TIFU Currently happening: I went to bathroom and didn’t look around first

This is my current situation. I am stuck in my bathroom. I had to go #2 really bad so i ran to the bathroom and sat on the toilet to do my business. I have been watching TikTok’s and reading Reddit for a good 30 min as i usually do in what i consider my fortress of solitude. My legs started to go numb which is my usual sign that it’s time to get off the pot. I put my phone down and I reach for the toilet paper. This is where i notice my critical error… there is none. There is no one in my house and i have to be at the bus stop to pick up my kids in about 10 min. Now i have a few choices: waddle out of the bathroom and try not to make a mess on my journey to find toilet paper. Use my hand and just wash throughly after the fact or wait for my wife to come home which should be right before my kid gets off the bus.
It’s a choose your own adventure situation. TLDR: i didn’t check the bathroom for toilet paper before i went #2

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45

Posted by9 hours ago

Tifu by buying my grandma a pizza.

My gran remembers tasting pizza only once in her life and she did not particularly like it so she never tried it again. She sees it as one of those things that are for the younger generation. She prefers food that she is used to eating.

Since it's her birthday week, I took a few days off work to spend some time with her and my little brother and to also plan a small tea party for her and her friends. I wasn't able to visit during Christmas time due to work so I want to spoil her.

Yesterday, I was getting a few items for the tea party this Sunday and I decided to buy her a pizza for dinner just to surprise her and see how she would react. She wasn't really sure about it and kept asking why they would put pineapples on it but she tried it anyway just to humour me.

I pretended not to notice how she looked like she was enjoying it while she was eating. I asked her what she thought and she said that it was okay. She looked like she enjoyed it better than that but I thought oh well maybe it's not really her thing.

In the middle of the night, I was woken up by some noise coming from the kitchen so I went to investigate. Imagine my surprise when I caught my gran snacking on the leftover pizza with a cup of tea.

We both laughed and she admitted that she really liked the taste. We stayed up for a bit chatting like old times. She knocked on my room early in the morning the next day to tell me that she was wondering if it was okay to make the sandwiches for her tea party using the 'pizza bread' instead of normal bread to impress her friends.

I of course agreed and pretended that it was an actual thing because my gran never asks for anything, I would give her the world if I could but my brother and I have absolutely no idea how we will make sandwiches made out of pizza.

TL:DR Tifu by buying my grandma a pizza and now she feels like her life is just beginning.

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Vote

Posted by37 minutes ago

TIFU by buying secondhand/knockoffs shoes from goodwill

I am a sixteen year old male. To give you some background information my mom had me really young and I never knew my dad. My mom work's as a waitress for our local diner and gets paid just enough to keep us above the water.

My whole life, I've always been made fun of in school for wearing old / stinky clothes. I would always shop at thrift shops, sure sometimes the clothes would be weird or smell like old people, But half the time people did it just to jab at our family. You see we live in a small town in the midwest.

I havent had a new pair of shoes in two and a half years and had taken really good care of my shoes. But, I began outgrowing them and I started getting blisters from wearing them.

My mom had to save for four months to skim off of groceries in order to buy me some new shoes. We dont make much money if any at all but it was enough to buy sneakers at goodwill.

My mom and I went to goodwill, In our goodwill the more nicer clothes and shoes will actually be in glass cases, there were these really nice pair of shoes that I thought were Nike because of the swoosh but I was wrong.

The shoes were half off on a sale so we were sold. (We should've gone to Walmart) We buy the shoes and Im actually really excited. I had never had anything name brand before and was excited for people to see me wear something that wasn't a knock off or had holes in it.

The first week it was okay, I actually got a few compliments, then people were snickering at me and I learned the Nike shoes were actually knockoffs. I didnt notice because I never owned a pair before. This second week, the shoes and it's seems and soles began falling apart. I dont know how Im gonna break it to my mom, she was just as excited as I was and was asking me if anyone complimented my shoes.

I am now suffering wearing my old shoes to school and I am in pain but I don't have it in me to tell my mom. I will admit, when I found out I cried a little. I just can't wait till I can go off to college, My mom won't allow me to get a job so I can focus on my schooling like she never could.

If there is any miracle that this gets to you Momma, I love you, and I promise I will take care of you someday like you've taken care of me your whole life. I know the sacrifices you give up for me and one day Ill buy you everything you ever want.

TLDR; Grew out of old shoes and bought what I thought was name brand shoes from goodwill and they fell apart a week later.

Vote

58

Posted by13 hours ago

TIFU by inadvertently getting my boss fired, making life even worse and now maybe getting fired myself

I worked for my employer for about 10 years before my then new boss joined. She had energy and was quite inspiring. Before she came it wasn’t well run and I hadn’t had many opportunities. She came and made some changes and improved how things ran and promoted me into this job. She helped me develop more than anyone else had and I got more confident in my role. She was a great sounding board for me and let me vent when things got bad. Things were really good for a while and our performance improved.

Performance was impacted by the pandemic, lots of people went off sick and there were other difficulties. It became harder. Then my boss got covid and it took a long time for her to get over it. She was still in work but tired and everything seemed harder and performance was slipping. I still vented at her but she didn’t seem to have the energy to listen and I felt unsupported.

One day her boss spoke to me after one of these meetings and I vented to him instead. He asked me about my boss and I told him honestly. I suppose I thought he’d get involved and somehow help get things back to how they were.

He did get involved - by firing her, using my feedback. She’ll have known it was me. I haven’t seen her or contacted her since as we were told not to. I feel too guilty anyway.

It hasn’t got better, it’s now worse and I’m really stressed.

Her boss became my boss while they looked for a replacement. Until I worked for him, I thought he was a good boss, I don’t now.

He hardly spoke to me, just sent emails with demands for more work or more commonly complaints about issues and I realised how much my former boss must have been shielding from me. He never let me bounce ideas of him or vent or even raise a problem unless I had a solution.

A replacement was found but he wasn’t any better and constantly finds fault with me. To be honest, now I’m not surprised. I don’t think I’m doing a good job anymore.

Anyway I’ve just been put on an improvement plan so assume they’re trying to get rid of me too. The way I feel, I’d be happy except that I can’t afford to leave and I haven’t seen any other similar jobs paying what I get.

TL;DR I got rid of my boss to make my life better but instead made it worse and now might also be fired and only myself to blame.

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About Community

r/TIFU means Today I Fucked Up

Created Mar 4, 2012

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Certain topics always removed

a. Obscene sexual situations, such as, but not limited to, incest, minors, and assault. Consensual situations between two, unrelated adults are acceptable.

b. Fuckups resulting in death (including but not limited to animals)

These stories are difficult to verify and are sensitive topics. If you or someone you know is suffering from depression and has suicidal thoughts, or if you know someone who has recently taken his or her own life, visit /r/suicidewatch.

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This includes (but not limited to) heavy drug use (one-time drug use is fine), sexual assault/violence, fraud, theft. If it was an accident, you're probably in the clear.

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Fuckup of the Month Winners

Best of 2022: Tylerlife | TIFU / My (20F) girlfriend of two years told me the music that I (25M) play during sex is weird and a major turn off

December 2022|UTX_shadow|TIFU by going on a date with a therapist.
November 2022 |Throwradad01 |TIFU by destroying me and my daughers relationship because i didn't believe her.
October 2022 |ih8microwaves |TIFU by masturbating too long in the shower

FUOTW/FUOTM Archive

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