My mother's father was a good man, a bad husband, and a terrible father.
My father's father was, by all accounts, not even a good man.
My father followed in those footsteps in his own pathetic ways.
My eldest brother is seemingly a good husband, but not a good man and a questionable father.
My other brother is not a good man either.
For nearly a decade I've held myself to the decision that I won't pursue love or relationships. The only confidence I've had in my life is the belief that I won't be a good husband or good father, and so I've sworn to never find myself in either role. I will surely fail, and in the process others will suffer, so it is better to not try at all.
Over this past summer, in part out of an ever-worsening longing for love and in part due to some genuine feelings of optimism, I began wavering in my conviction. Maybe, just maybe, I could find a lasting, fulfilling path for my life.
But, as the year came to a close, this newfound hope has withered out again.
Ultimately it comes down to a few issues:
Fulfilling the Prophecy
I cannot imagine a more awful outcome for my life than to try my hand and, in fact, prove myself as bad a husband and father as the other men in my family. I really can't. After all these years of agonizing and worrying, if I through caution to the wind and go for it, and still fail, I would find myself in a personal hell unlike anything I could ever suffer otherwise. I really cannot express enough how much I do not want to become my father.
The ironic part, of course, is that in refusing to take the risk of following the path my father took, I actually ensure I end up at the same place -- utter desolation, completely alone with not one person who loves or respects me. But taking this route at least absolves me of the guilt of point #2:
2. Do No Harm
I'm terribly afraid of failure in everything I do, but relationships are unique in that being a shitty person means making the lives of others worse. The only counter-argument I've ever seen is that it's not my responsibility to protect others from myself, that they need to decide for themselves and act accordingly. This argument feels exceedingly hollow and unconvincing. And it's concerning, because it seems like it must be based on the idealistic assumption that meaningful harm will not occur. But of course it does. And it almost certainly will if I don't become an entirely new person, because:
3. Me
I am a fucking mess. I have no self-worth whatsoever and it manifests itself in all forms. Fundamentally I have no security in myself, be it body or mind. Despite being in my mid 20's I already feel old and decrepit, my social abilities are pitifully weak, I'm not disciplined in the least, and best of all my anxiety can really kick my ass when it wants to (panic attacks). Yet other than fixing my porn addiction there's really not much I see as being possible to change. Exercise and cold showers have their benefits, but they're not even close to being enough. My insecurities are deeper than weight-lifting can solve. All in all, I'm not good partner potential right now and I have serious doubts I can ever reach an adequate point.
How can I break a generational cycle of awfulness when I have no mentors, no support structure, and so much of me is just completely broken?
