Trump Lawyers Were Surrounding Cassidy Hutchinson Like The Devil Witches In Rosemary's Baby

On Monday, at the final public hearing of the House January 6 Select Committee, Rep. Zoe Lofgren hinted that some attorney in Trumpland might be in deep shit for urging his client to tell fibs to the committee. Speculation immediately turned to Stefan Passantino, the former Trump White House Ethics (if any!) lawyer whom blockbuster witness Cassidy Hutchinson fired before making her damning public testimony. CNN confirmed Wednesday that Passantino was the attorney in question, by which time his bio had disappeared from the website of his law firm Michael Best. Reached for comment, Passantino told the network that he had resigned “given the distraction of this matter.”

And indeed, the transcript released yesterday of Hutchinson's testimony about her dealings with Passantino will probably prove to be quite a distraction for the lawyer, both personally and professionally. Particularly since Hutchinson said that she's had discussions about this very topic with the nice people at the DOJ.

The passage where Hutchinson described Passantino saying New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman is "friendly to us" made immediate headlines. But most of the 138 pages released yesterday is Hutchinson's narration of how she wound up in the clutches of a bunch of older Trump attorneys who exploited her inexperience, loyalty, and most of all her financial straits to keep her quiet about what she'd seen.

And it's filthy.

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Idiots Blame Robot McDonalds On Texas's Famous $25 Minimum Wage

One of the more disturbing American legends is the story of John Henry, a Black American steel worker who, when confronted by his boss with the prospect of being replaced by the steam engine, challenged the steam engine to a steel driving competition, won the competition because the machine was unable to do things a man could, and then fell over and died with a hammer in his hand (as he had predicted as a child). Henry was both a myth and an actual man. The actual man, John Henry, was a 19-year-old working as a "steel driving man" not of his own volition or lifelong dedication to hammering, but as part of one of the convict lease programs that replaced slavery as a source of free labor in the decades following the Civil War, and he died of silicosis rather than of exhaustion.

"Lord, a man ain't nothing but a man
But before I'd let your steam drill beat me down
I'd die with a hammer in my hand, Lord, Lord"

— The Ballad of John Henry

Both stories are pretty depressing, as is the fact that what people have frequently taken from the legend is that dying to prove oneself superior to a machine in order to keep a crappy job that can kill you in a variety of other ways is a heroic, American thing to do. Even if one is eventually replaced by a machine.

This week, McDonald's debuted its first automated restaurant, in which human workers are replaced by conveyor belts. Predictably, some pretty terrible people had some pretty terrible reactions to this news.

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Alex Jones Bankruptcy Continues To Be Sh*tshow Dumpster Fire

Approximately ten minutes after Connecticut Judge Barbara Bellis tacked another $473 million in punitive damages on top of the $965 million compensatory jury award in the second Sandy Hook defamation lawsuit, Alex Jones launched himself at the bankruptcy court, where he continues to flop around like a goldfish on shag carpet.

A normal person who spent all of 2022 trying and failing to get the bankruptcy court to rescue him from the consequences of defaming the parents of murdered children and calling them "crisis actors" might have handled this differently. But Alex Jones is not normal. So ...

After trying and failing to delay the trials by putting three worthless LLCs in bankruptcy, Jones declared Infowars's parent company Free Speech Systems (FSS) bankrupt, forcing him to open his books up to the scrutiny of both the US Bankruptcy Trustee and the Sandy Hook plaintiffs. Thanks in part to his insistence that FSS owes all its money to a Nevada LLC owned by Jones and his parents, Jones's preferred restructuring team got booted from the case, something US Bankruptcy Judge Christopher Lopez said he'd never done before and hoped never to do again. The gambit did succeed in getting the US Trustee all the way up his company's ass, though, so, well played, sir!

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Happy Holidays To Trump Aide Who Brings Printer On Golf Cart To Print Out Nice Things That Keep Him Happy

If you haven't gotten to it yet, you ought to devote at least a few minutes of your holiday week to this delightful long-read in the Washington Post about the joyful Christmas elf of Mar-a-Lago who rides on the golf cart with Donald Trump carrying a real-ass printer so she can print out ass-kissing articles that will make the baby feel better. It is a Santa Claus miracle!

The article is about other things too -- the sad and lonely and dejected post-presidency existence that led Donald Trump to steal state secrets and stuff them underneath Eric's spare swim trunks in the cabana next to the swimming pool at Mar-a-Lago -- but this graf about the printer is what's just killing us:

Natalie Harp, one of Trump’s employees and a former host on the pro-Trump cable network One America News, often accompanies Trump on his daily golf outings, riding the course in a golf cart equipped with a laptop and sometimes a printer to show him uplifting news articles, online posts or other materials.

Sometimes a printer. On the golf cart, sometimes a printer.

A copy machine would be kind of awkward, obviously.

On some quiet days, another aide, Molly Michael, who served asTrump’s assistant in the White House, has called around to Trump’s network of allies across the country requesting that they dial the former president to boost his spirits with positive affirmations. There’s nothing going on, she has told them, adding that his friends know how restless he gets when nothing is going on, according to people who have heard her appeal.

The baby is restless, please call him on the telephone. We finally gave Ms. Harp a restroom break so she's not available to print out his candygrams.

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Wonkette Movie Matinee: Noted Christmas Movie 'Die Hard'

Come watch!

Movie starts at 2pm PT/5pm ET. Available for free on the Internet Archive and $3.99 everywhere else!

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Wonkette Top Ten Stories Of The Week Are Festive AF

Well, sort of. Maybe not. Read them anyway.

Happy Christmas Eve!

I got you a very special Christmas present this year. What is it, you ask? I got you Christmas shoes. Not actual shoes, mind you, just the terrible, terrible song "The Christmas Shoes" as gloriously explained by Patton Oswalt.

Patton Oswalt - Christmas Shoeswww.youtube.com


If you've been lucky enough to never actually hear the song ... here I come to correct that grievous error.


NewSong - The Christmas Shoeswww.youtube.com


Oh hey, looks like I've got something else for you as well! It is the entire original Hallmark movie based on the song, starring the lady from Father of the Bride and Rob Lowe, who blocked me on Twitter after I responded to his "Blazing Saddles is a great movie that could not be made today because of political correctness!" schtick by pointing out that Hedy Lamarr jokes and Marlene Dietrich impersonations might also fall flat today because the world changes and so does comedy. Duh.


The Christmas Shoes - Hallmark Christmas Movies 2016www.youtube.com


One of the more awkward thing I discovered while looking through these videos is that there are a lot of

And here are your top ten stories of the week!

10. Wonkette Movie Night: 'How The Grinch Stole Christmas' And 'Bad Santa'

9. Alex Jones Is No Peasant, Cannot Possibly Live On $10K Per Week, He Tells Bankruptcy Court

8. Alex Jones Bankruptcy Continues To Be Sh*tshow Dumpster Fire

7. Iowa 'Psychic' Barred From Magically Healing People After Client's Death

6. LIVEBLOG: January 6 Select Committee Is Here To Chew Bubblegum And Kick Ass. And They Are All Out Of Gum.

5. US Postal Service To Go Electric, Like Dylan At Newport

4. Someone Who Loves Mike Pence Should Tell Him He's Never Gonna Be President

3. Ukraine President Zelenskyy In Ur Congress, Pissing Off Ur Putinites

2. Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, Hot Buttered Rum!

1. Wonkette: Because We're AGAINST Inciting Bomb Threats At Hospitals For Kids!

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Wonkette Movie Night: 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' And 'Elf'

Come watch!

Our Christmas Eve movie is Elf (2003) and we will start with "A Charlie Brown Christmas" at 5:30pm PT/ 8:30pm ET and watch "Elf" right after. "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is available for free on Apple TV, no subscription required (Dec. 22-25th only). "Elf" is available on AMC+ and HBO Max. For $3.99 on Google Play, YouTube, Apple TV, Redbox and Vudu.

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