Hi, I'm Kyrsten Sinema And I've Left The Democrats! Aren't All My Wigs Pretty?
You guys! You guys! You guys!
Hi. Don’t pretend you don’t recognize me, even if you’ve never seen this wig before. It’s magenta, isn’t it pretty?
But it’s still me, Kyrsten Sinema, under this mop of pinkish-purplish-whatever! Yes hi, me! Kyrsten! You know me! Presided over the Senate in a jeans jacket to denote my maverickness? Did that cutesy little curtsy while voting no on a bill to raise the minimum wage to a level that could allow some people to maybe quit their third job?
Kyrsten! Old “wine-drunk by noon” Kyrsten! Kyrsten Sinema! And you’d be wine-drunk by noon every day if you had unique wine-making skills and had taken all the furniture out of your conference room and replaced it with a grape press and a giant fermenter!
Well look, I spent an entire congressional recess interning at a winery, of course I can make my own wine. It was either that or driving out to, like, Lake Havasu or somewhere else gross to meet with my constituents and listen to their concerns. I mean, I would love to be meeting my constituents, but they all live in Arizona. You ever spend an extended amount of time in Arizona in August? Or any other month?
And it’s not as if the conference room was getting much use anyway. I prefer to meet with lobbyists in my office, because why not. Plus that’s where I keep a lot of my wigs!
What? No, I’ve been wearing this teal green wig all morning, silly! Magenta? I dunno, maybe you’re seeing and/or hearing things? I’m not much of a magenta person.
Anyway, I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve invited you to this Lake Havasu roadhouse for what I’ve billed as a big announcement, despite my pronounced aversion to Lake Havasu! I’d like to tell you it’s because this place has the best darn pickled eggs of any dive bar in Arizona. Or so I’m told! I don’t eat pickled eggs or spend much time in Arizona, what am I, poor? You think fancy DC restaurants serve pickled eggs? Ugh.
No, the truth is that I have to be in Arizona to hit some wealthy donors' holiday parties, and this roadhouse is the only venue my staff could find in the entire state with an owner who didn’t threaten to chain the doors shut while I’m inside and then set the place on fire. Also I can’t swear that any fire departments would respond to me being trapped in a burning building. My approval ratings in this state are darn low.
But you know, sow’s ear into a silk purse and all that! So I just say that a third of all voters love me and then I pretend to have suddenly gone deaf, or I hold my breath until I pass out and miss the follow-up. Works every time!
Speaking of silk, do you like this wig? What? Teal green? I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’ve been wearing this jet-black Jennifer Aniston since I got up this morning. Sure, jet black isn’t a great color to wear in a place where the sun shines 362 out of 365 days a year, but Kyrsten Sinema doesn’t play by anyone else’s rules!
Oooo, hang on, Meghan McCain is calling, I should take this! (into phone) Hey babe! What’s up? Are you watching? No, CNN couldn’t make it. Or MSNBC. Who’s here? Well, we got the Tucson Fox affiliate, some kids from a TV class at Pima County Community College, and a guy from the Daily Wire. I think they might be streaming it on their YouTube page? Is that Liberty crying in the background? Hi Liberty, it’s Auntie Kyrsten! Oh, it’s Ben? Hey, tell him I’ll have my staff write up that piece for the Federalist if he’s still interested! Or come on his podcast! Or anything, really. Thanks babe! Ciao!
That was Meghan McCain. She’s so great. I’ve patterned my entire career after her dad’s, except for the part where I started off as a legislator in the Green Party who denounced people like his buddy Joe Lieberman for doing exactly what I’m doing now, which is leaving the Democratic Party to become an Independent and setting myself up to be a giant pain in the ass for the rest of my term!
Oh yeah, that’s what I meant to tell you guys. That’s my big announcement: I’m no longer a Democrat. Obviously it’s because of my principles, and not because I’d probably lose a primary in 2024, but now I can more or less play third-party spoiler. And if the Democrats nominate someone for my seat, we’ll split the Senate vote and throw the election to whatever nut the GOP nominates. Blake Masters, I hope you haven’t wiped all your phone contacts yet! Or Kari Lake, if she’s given up on winning the 2022 governor’s election by then.
Of course I’ll still caucus as a Democrat so I can maintain my position on all my committees, unless of course they don't continue to let me maintain my position on all my committees, but that's a "DC thing to worry about," like, who is in charge of the government or not, how could that even make any difference? That's so DC! Still, no one wants to be in the minority, for gosh sakes, it’s no fun. Just ask John Hoeven or Deb Fischer.
They’re senators, of course! But they’re junior Republicans in the minority, which is why you’ve never heard of them. I tell John and Deb my secret all the time: wigs! Wear wigs! You’d both look great in a fire-engine red Shirley Manson, and the press might notice you. Win-win!
This? Oh, you’re so kind to notice. It’s a cobalt-blue Weird Al. Huh? No, I was wearing it a minute ago. I started wearing it a few hundred minutes ago when I got up and spotted it hanging on my wall of wigs and said to myself, “Kyrsten, girl, you are a cobalt-blue Weird Al today if you are anything at all.” And here we are!
Whew! That was a lot of talking. I'm more parched than Lake Powell. I don't suppose they serve wine at this roadhouse?
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