TW: ED/EATING DISORDER

Hey Anon, 

I recommend sitting down with your parents to explain how you feel.

Here are some of my personal tips:

• Rehearse what you are going to say before-hand
• Writing a letter before-hand might also be handy if you might forget what you want to say and to keep your thoughts organized
• Don’t hold back or belittle how it is hurting you
• Talk to them when y’all are alone and nothing is there to distract them
• Give yourself a hard date and time for when to talk to them. This will help with pushing it further away
• Initially establish that this is a serious conversation
• Prepare for any counter-questions you anticipate
• Tell them how they can help

Best of luck!

-Mod Aesh

Eating Disorders

Hi anon,

Your question has been in our inbox for quite some time and none of our mods feel like we can answer it effectively. We recommend that you look at some of the eating disorder resources on out helpful resources page and seek professional help.

~mod Gwyn

TW ED, weight

Hey Anon,

Thanks for your ask. I’m very proud of you for making the decision to eat appropriate portions again, I’m sure that wasn’t easy so you should be very proud of yourself.

We can’t tell you whether what you’re experiencing is gastroparesis or not. I highly suggest that you talk to a doctor about this, Anon, because they can help you get the resources you need. They can refer you to a therapist or another mental health professional and you can work towards reaching mutually agreed on goals together. 

If  you don’t want to tell your doctor about the eating disorder, tell them about the symptoms you’re having. Gastroparesis (if it is what you have) can be caused by many things, and it could be of unknown cause. However there is treatment available and you don’t have to experience those uncomfortable physical symptoms when you’re eating.

You should also consider telling your family about this, Anon. Nobody will be angry at you for hiding this from them, your health is the most important thing. You don’t deserve to go though this alone,  there are people who can and are willing to help you.

Below are some eating disorder resources you may find useful:

• Help Guide a site containing articles to help understand, help numbers,  “tool kits”, and self help.
• Mental Support Community A forum to talk about eating disorders and how it affects your life.
• Mental Help a site that has basic information, resources, articles, and a list of books that might be helpful.
• The addiction help center has lots of resources that explain eating disorders, their treatment, and much more.
• Kati Morton, a therapist, makes weekly videos about various aspects of living with an eating disorder and coping strategies you can use.
• Something Fishy is a website that provides information on eating disorders and places to find treatment, as well as forums for people with eating disorders and friends/family members.
• Ways of coping with eating disordered behaviors
• HelpGuide on eating disorder treatment and recovery

Take care,

- Tea

Eating disorder , Self-harm 

Hey Anon,

I’m really sorry to hear you’re struggling so much. Thanks for reaching out to us.

Eating disorders can be a sort of self-harm behavior, because just like self-harming they provide us with a sense of control and function as a form of coping mechanism to deal with what we’re going through.

Is there a friend or relative you can talk to? Sometimes it just helps to know that someone is aware of what you’re struggling with and can hold you accountable.  Below are some resources on telling friends and family about our mental health problems:

• This post on telling someone about your mental health problem has some great tips and advice.
• Talk about Mental Health
• How to start your conversation
• How to tell the people you love
• How and When to Disclose Mental Illness

Step 2 would be talking to a mental health professional or your doctor who can refer you to the appropriate specialist. I know you said you had treatment which was ineffective, but sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find the right therapy and therapist or we need additional support such as medication. Below are resources on getting  and talking to a therapist:

• This post on picking a therapist has some great tips.
• This is a step by step on getting a therapist & A beginner’s guide to starting therapy
• Psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or counsellor?
• Need to find a therapist by location? Psychologytoday lets you search by city or zip code

Also I suggest talking to a dietician along with a mental health professional. They can help you to develop a healthy relationship with food and an eating plan which is manageable for you. Sometimes we need to have structure in our life and a balanced eating plan approved by a dietician can provide that structure. Additionally, have a look at these eating disorder resources below:

• Help Guide A site containing articles to help understand, help numbers,  “tool kits”, and self help.
• Mental Support Community A forum to talk about eating disorders and how it affects your life.
• Mental Help A site that has basic information, resources, articles, and a list of books that might be helpful.
• The addiction help center has lots of resources that explains eating disorders, their treatment and much more.
• Kati Morton, a therapist, makes weekly videos about various aspects of living with an eating disorder and coping strategies you can use.
• Something Fishy is a website that provides information on eating disorders and places to find treatment, as well as forums for people with eating disorders and friends/family members.
• Ways of coping with eating disordered behaviors
• HelpGuide on eating disorder treatment and recovery

Hope this helps, Anon. Remember that you deserve help and you deserve to nourish your body. Please reach out to someone, it will be worth it in the end.

- Tea

Eating disorder, weight TW

Hey Anon,

Firstly, I’m really sorry it took as a while to answer your asks. I understand this may have been upsetting and uncomfortable and I hope you accept my apology in the name of the team. 

Secondly, I’m really sorry you’re going through that. EDs can affect us tremendously both physically and mentally simply because food is such a major part of our life. Do you currently see a therapist or dietician? These professionals are who can help you best in dealing with your situation, and it could be that the level of support you are receiving at the moment is not adequate. Letting a friend or relative know about your current situation may also be a good idea, as they can check up on you and hold you accountable.

 Eating does have an influence on our mood because it makes the pleasure neurons in our brain fire, and is one of the most primitive comfort seeking mechanisms, one we’ve been using since we were toddlers. It’s not really surprising then that changing our eating behaviors is so difficult, because it’s so hard wired in our brain. Have a look at this post on ways of coping with eating disorder behaviors. I also suggest that you take a look at mindfulness resources on our helpful resources page, as mindful eating is a way of slowing down and accepting the present moment.

A lot of therapy in eating disorders is about changing our relationship with our food and with our body. This is easier said than done and often requires professional help to guide and support you along the process. Remember that you’ve been through a lot and overcome it, and your body deserves credit for that.

Have a look at some of our eating disoder resources below:

• Help Guide A site containing articles to help understand, help numbers,  “tool kits”, and self help.
• Mental Support Community A forum to talk about eating disorders and how it affects your life.
• Mental Help A site that has basic information, resources, articles, and a list of books that might be helpful.
• The addiction help center has lots of resources that explains eating disorders, their treatment and much more.
• Kati Morton, a therapist, makes weekly videos about various aspects of living with an eating disorder and coping strategies you can use.
• Something Fishy is a website that provides information on eating disorders and places to find treatment, as well as forums for people with eating disorders and friends/family members.
• HelpGuide on eating disorder treatment and recovery
• NEDA has a wonderful guide on body image, as well as many amazing links

Hope this helps, Anon, and good luck!

- Tea

ED TW

Hey Anon,

Thanks for writing to us. It sounds like your behavior is distressing you and I’m proud of you for recognizing that there may be a problem and reaching out to us.

Since we’re not professionals, we can’t tell you whether or not you have an eating disorder. What I can tell you is that an eating disorder is about one’s self perception and relationship with food and their body; there is no such thing as being too big to be anorexic. BMI is an indicator or anorexia and alone is not sufficient to make a diagnosis, and the symptoms you are describing sound like the symptoms of an eating disorder.

What I would suggest is that you talk to your doctor or a mental health professional about what you’re experiencing. It sounds like these negative behaviors and feelings are taking up a large chunk of your time and causing you distress, so talking to someone will surely be helpful. Remember that your health is the priority and that you always deserve to eat and nourish your body, Anon. 

Below are some resources on EDs and finding a therapist: 

Getting & talking to a therapist

• This post on picking a therapist has some great tips.
• This is a step by step on getting a therapist & A beginner’s guide to starting therapy
• Psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or counsellor?
• Need to find a therapist by location? Psychologytoday lets you search by city or zip code

Eating Disorders and Disordered Eating

• Help Guide A site containing articles to help understand, help numbers,  “tool kits”, and self help.
• Mental Support Community A forum to talk about eating disorders and how it affects your life.
• Mental Help A site that has basic information, resources, articles, and a list of books that might be helpful.
• The addiction help center has lots of resources that explains eating disorders, their treatment and much more.
• Kati Morton, a therapist, makes weekly videos about various aspects of living with an eating disorder and coping strategies you can use.
• Something Fishy is a website that provides information on eating disorders and places to find treatment, as well as forums for people with eating disorders and friends/family members.
• Ways of coping with eating disordered behaviors
• HelpGuide on eating disorder treatment and recovery
• NEDA has a wonderful guide on body image, as well as many amazing links

Take care and good luck, Anon!

- Tea

hey anon, 

have you checked out our helpful resources? we have this under perfectionism! also are you talking with your care team about this? if not you should bring it up with them as well. 

Perfectionism

• Overcoming perfectionism is a great resource that explains what perfectionism is and gives tips on how to overcome your perfectionist thinking.
• This post explains the relationship between perfectionism and procrastination.
• This is an article called  Perfectionism: the road to failure.
• The counseling center offers some great information and on perfectionism and tips on how to overcome procrastination.  
• This is an article that  provides specific tips for perfectionists coping with failure.  
• PDF on overcoming perfectionism
• MindTools tips on coping with perfectionism
• Helping Gifted Students Cope with Perfectionism

stay safe, 

kei 

Eating Disorder, weight, abuse, transphobia

Hey Anon,

It’s a difficult situation when someone we care about is struggling and in a not so supportive household when there’s not much we can do to help. However, it seems like you are doing your part and being a good friend.

Supporting him emotionally goes a long way. You can’t make the bad stuff go away but at least when he’s with you he’ll feel accepted and safe and that’s what we should strive for. If you can offer to meet up or ask him to call you whenever his dad is being abusive, that could also be helpful to some people. In general it’s about being available and letting him know that you are there if he needs to talk. Consistency can be very comforting for someone who is struggling with anxiety because it eliminates unknowns. Asking him what he needs from you at this point in his life is also a good idea because it gives him control and it’s better than just assuming. 

 It’s difficult for us to talk our friends through issues because we aren’t professionals and our relationship with them makes us biased in the type of advice we can give. This is why I suggest that you encourage him to talk to a professional, perhaps even accompany him to the first appointment. Tell him directly that you’re concerned about his health and why that is so, and then encourage him to seek treatment. This is especially important if your friend is actively suicidal as that’s never something you want to dismiss or take lightly.

Below are some resources on supporting loved ones with mental illness. Please remember also to take care of yourself and be aware of your moods and feelings. Ultimately there’s only so much we can do to help and recovery has to be his choice.

• Helping a friend who has an eating disorder.
• Active Minds guide to helping a friend you’re worried about.
  
• Helping a friend or family member
  
• More tips on helping a friend
  

- Tea

Eating Disorder, weight, self-harm

Hey Anon,

Thanks for writing to us. I think it’s important to speak about this with your current mental health professional(s) or doctor and let them know what you’re feeling. They’re here to help you and it’s always best to be completely honest.

Eating disorders are often a lot about control. When we’re recovering and we have to let go of some of that control, and that’s really difficult and can cause us to feel overwhelmed. When we’re overwhelmed we can act impulsively and do things we know we’re going to regret later. What we need is to deal with those uncomfortable feelings with healthier coping methods, and your therapist/doctor can help you figure out what those might be for you.

Binge eating is similar to self-harm in terms of body physiology and brain chemicals. It gives us a temporary positive feeling (due to the release of ‘happy chemicals’ but then we end up feeling guilty and regretting it afterwards. Binge eating can replace self-harm for us because it can be a way of self-sabotaging and causing ourselves pain. Eating until we are full causes physical sensations similar to how self-harm does, and that can help to make us feel less numb or ground us.

I hope that gives you some insight, anon, I really do encourage you to speak to someone. Always remember that recovery is a path with ups and downs and you will inevitably mess up. That doesn’t mean that what you’ve achieved so far is invalid, it doesn’t reset all the effort you had to make. It’s simply a bump in the road and you can keep moving forward. Take care.

Resources

• Ways of coping with eating disordered behaviors
• HelpGuide on eating disorder treatment and recovery
  
• Mental Support Community A forum to talk about eating disorders and how it affects your life.
  
• The addiction help center has lots of resources that explains eating disorders, their treatment and much more.
  

- Tea

thanks for pointing that out! i just fixed it.

–roboraptor

anorexia cw

I think you do know what you need to do, it is just hard and scary- you need to tell him the truth about your relapse and current struggles. 
If people are already noticing despite your lies, it is possible that your psychologist is already picking up on the changes in your affect and nonverbal cues that may come with lying and struggling more than usual mentally. He may have some idea that something is off, and is waiting for you to bring it up. Regardless of if he knows or not, it is up to you to start the conversation. 

He will believe you, because he will see how hard it is for you to talk about and how much you are struggling in your relapse. I can tell that you know you need the support from your psychologist and that you want to tell him, but that fear (and possibly the control your ED has) is holding you back, don’t let it. You deserve the help and support and to fight through your relapse. 

I have been scared when telling my therapist in the past about self-harm relapses. I would avoid it, but know in the back of my mind that I needed to tell her. I ended up calling once a few days before my session and leaving her a message asking her to hold me accountable for discussing my self-harm in the next session. Having that accountability set up really helped for me. You may find a similar approach to be effective for you. Here is an article that gives some concrete suggestions about how to talk about hard things in therapy- suggestions include showing him a note to read, instead of speaking about it, show him your blog post about what you are struggling with (even show him this ask!), start the conversation by saying “I have something I have to admit, but there are some fears holding me back, like I am scared you won't believe me” This way, you can get your fears addressed then it may be easier to open up about your relapse. 
I hope some of these strategies and encouragement help you to open up to your psychologist if you haven’t already. Remember, he is there to help and support you, and you deserve to feel better. 
Take care,
Ari

Hey Everyone!

anorexia

As per our sidebar:

Do not send in questions containing graphic descriptions of violence, assault, self harm, or numbers related to weight and dieting/eating.

–roboraptor

(Ask about the sister touching thing) also, i currently suffer from bpd, have suffered from anorexia and have extremely low self esteem. Could this be consequences of this childhood experience?

TW CSA

Hi,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had this experience, anon. I can understand how it would be really scary and difficult to talk about these memories you have of your sister, but please try to reach out for professional help. You don’t have to bring it up to your family or your sister. A mental health professional, preferably one that has experience with CSA, will be an unbiased person who you can confide in without fear of belittling. It’s okay that you don’t know whether these memories are true or not. That this is bothering you this much is reason enough to seek help.

Unfortunately I can’t tell you if your other mental health issues could be consequences of this childhood experience. Child sexual abuse can have long-lasting effects in a person’s life and lead to mental illness, but only you together with a therapist can determine what the reasons behind your mental illnesses are.

For more information about CSA and what you can do:

• Band Back Together is a resource that deals with a wide range of abuse, rape, and assault issues. Though they are not doctors, their information is helpful, responsible, and non-judgmental.
• After Silence is to support, empower, validate, and educate survivors of rape, sexual abuse and all types of sexual violence by providing a safe, extensive, reliable and easy-to-read website where victims can find the answers and support they need to heal and reclaim their lives.
  
• RAINN: The nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization
• Rape Recovery Center
  

Take care,
- Kaisa

My diet has been better these days but I feel like I’m over eating. I can’t stop eating sometimes and I feel so bad. Working out used to help me feel better but that’s not enough anymore. 2/2

Hey anon,

It sounds like you’ve relapsed into some of your disordered thoughts. Are you currently seeing a therapist? If not, I recommend going to see one so that you can work through these issues.

Try to remind yourself that it’s ok and even a good thing to gain weight. I know it’s hard, but you will get through this.

If you have a clear question, feel free to resubmit.

–roboraptor