Hello followers!

So my last, short lived post was more about what was going on in my life vs. where I was in recovery. Which I apologize for, but only to an extent. Mainly because me moving has been really stressful lately. But overall, I have been doing well.

One thing that I have been learning about and soaking in is possibly being co-dependent. I remember years ago in my addictions class when my professor would always talk about it; which back then, almost disappointed me because I wanted to learn about substance and process addictions more. I didn’t think codependency had anything to do with addiction, and I certainly didn’t relate to it.

Was I wrong.

I have noticed that a lot of my past abuse, both from my parents and the teacher, has affected my relationships with others. I always find myself second guessing. Or if people criticize me or give me suggestions, the first thing I will switch to is “I am not good ennough for this person”. Which lately, I have been trying really bad to battle that thought with self talk. And reminding myself that I’m a good person overall. Other things about codependency is not being myself, or having my days revolved around specific people. Sometimes I may feel like I’m too needy or clingy. There are other characteristics, but I don’t want to make this too long.

Learning more about codependency has helped me connect the dots on some of my behaviors in the present, that also connect to my trauma(s). Right now, it is more about awareness and thinking about what I can do better to be more like…well, me. I want to like myself more, and be my own person. Trauma has made me lose that.

The last thing I want to mention, is that I celebrate 3 years of self harm recovery on June 1st…two days away! I never thought I would get this far, and still be in recovery. But I have found a lot of coping skills that have helped me along the way. And being aware of these urges and “urge surfing”(a DBT skill) through, because I know the urge does not last forever.

That’s really it recovery wise. My main thing that I am working on is trauma work; however, learning about codependency and how it integrated into my life has been a good forward step in the right direction.

Keep Strong and Keep Moving,

Turtle Girl

Hello followers!

If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been active in the past week or two. I have been so busy with work AND my recovery that I don’t have enough time to answer asks! Basically, I am living life and enjoying it.

Over the past two weeks, my depression has lifted. Everyone once in awhile, I will get into a “funk” and feel sad for a period of time, but I am able to utilize coping skills and take action…which I wasn’t doing weeks ago when my depression was severe. Mainly, I have been doing step work with my new sponsor(finally!), and going to 12 step meetings 4 or 5 days a week. This has definitely helped me improve my mood.

I have also been working on setting and maintaining boundaries with others, and I was able to do so with a friend tonight. When I am able to set boundaries, I am taking care of myself and am not moving into unhealthy codependent behaviors. To be able to practice and do that tonight has made me feel good about myself.

That’s the short version of my update. I have a longer recovery post in my blog if anyone is interested in reading it. At this point, since my depression is better, I will be more active.

Oh, and also, it’s my birthday today. I am 27. And today, I am grateful that I am alive and that I am able to experience my life in recovery. Because I was not able to do that in the past. My recovery is not perfect, but I have made progress over the past few weeks…and over the years as well. So I can say that today, living and enjoying life in recovery is so much better than having poor mental health and negative, self destructive coping skills. And for that, I am grateful.

Keep Strong and Keep Moving,
Turtle Girl

Hello followers,

You may have been wondering where I have been and why I have not been active on MIM. Unfortunately, a lot of things have been going on for me: both good and bad. Such as work stress, taking care of my rabbit, and unfortunately my fibromyalgia has gotten worse over the past month. And even with my doctor’s help, my condition is still the same. And since they have been changing up my meds, I wasn’t taking the usual anti-depressant and it made my depression come back. That luckily, is getting better.

So I am leaving MIM. It was a hard decision to make, because I really enjoyed being a part of MIM and helping others by talking about my experiences. But I also need to continue my own recovery, both on my physical and mental level. I remember telling my grad school advisor “I can’t help others if I cannot help myself” as I was withdrawing for the semester to go to TK. I have always told followers to take care of themselves through self care, but have not been taking my own advice.

I want to thank MIM for having me be a part of this group for a little over a year; it was an experience that I will not forget. I want to thank followers and anons who had questions that I did my best to answer. We helped each other; and It was a learning experience to help on a peer level, as someone who experiences mental illness on a daily basis.

You are all beautiful. Strong. Remember that even on the bad days, you can do this. You can live, you can continue your recovery. Every day is a learning experience. Most importantly, never give up. To keep going and fight for your recovery is something you will never regret. I still have: 3 years clean from self harm, 1 year eating disorder free, and will have a year sober from alcohol next month. Was it easy? Absolutely not. Was it worth fighting through the tough times to get to the other side? Absolutely! I did not regret it- recovery has given me so much life that I never imagined. A life where I don’t have to hate myself to hurt myself; a life worth living.

If you want to continue to see how I’m doing, please check out/follow my blog: turtlepowerrecovery. It’s a mix of a personal and recovery blog, but I do update about how I’m doing as well as post inspiring recovery posts that I like. You can also message me if you need additional support when you are struggling. I’m usually on tumblr daily, so I will always get back to you in a timely manner.

Keep Strong and Keep Moving(even if it’s turtle speed),
Turtle Girl

Hello followers!

I am so sorry that I have not been answering asks or been as active on MIM like I usually am. I did move into the townhouse this weekend, and unfortunately, I have not been feeling well physically or emotionally.

Obviously with fibromyalgia, moving can take a lot of energy from me more than the average person. And due to other personal things/stressors in my life, my depression has been slowly creeping in the background. All I want to do is sleep, and I find myself isolating; both of which are major indicators that I need to get up and keep busy with something, no matter what it is.

A lot of trauma/abuse stuff has come up over the past few days with me. The beginning of the week was especially rough. And while I did talk it out with my therapist yesterday, I still find myself avoiding the thoughts and feelings about what has occurred. Isolation. Avoidance. There seems to be a pattern here. And I thought about going to the CODA meeting tonight, but I figured that where I am right now, going would make me feel worse. I never know if the CODA meetings are helpful or make me feel worse; either way, I know that I belong there.

The last thing that I need to remind myself of is perspective. I have mentioned this before, and it is has helped me in several aspects of my recovery. Specifically my recovery with bpd. That there is such a thing as grey. Another thing about perspective is that life sometimes throw random or awful things at us that we weren’t expecting. We may have high expectations about something, only to be disappointed when things don’t go my way. I have learned in recovery that if I force things to go my way, or try to be the director of the show(as mentioned in AA’s big book), that I will be disappointed and then try to fix everything. It is God/our higher power who is supposed to be in charge; to handle the issues in front of us and to give us what we need when we need it. I am not my higher power, and I am not anyone else’s. All I can do is to help others as much as I can, without trying to solve the problems for someone else. And sometimes, I may screw up and make this worse; but just the fact that I am trying despite the circumstances is all that matters. I am human after all, and I am okay with that.

I know that’s a lot to read and sink in, but it’s something that I am trying to work on. Or, the several things I am working on. I am stressed over a lot of things in my life right now, but I know that I will get to the other side. I have done it before. This is only temporary, and that things WILL get better; they always do.

Keep Strong and Keep Moving,

Turtle Girl

Hello everyone!

I’m still here! I’m so sorry that I haven’t been around- there has been a lot going on lately, mainly work. And doing AA work and meetings. But I have also adopted this wonderful, but needs to be trained more, rabbit(see personal blog for a picture if you’re interested; I posted and told his story).

Overall my mental health has been really good! I have some anxiety, especially with having an animal roommate in the house, but we are both adjusting. I’m also dealing with some bpd splitting; mainly with my sponsor right now. I can’t seem to do anything right with her and vice versus a. Sometimes when I split, I need to take a step back, give myself some space, and figure out exactly what is going on that is making me split. Even when most of my bpd symptoms are under control, splitting and having that black/white thinking can get to me. But having mindfulness and giving myself time to process has helped me with this. It used to be a lot worse to the point of not being so nice emotionally and verbally.

Otherwise, all is well. My depression is better and my fibromyalgia has actually gotten better since I adopted the rabbit. It’s amazing how animals can heal us, both in a physical and mental sense.

I will do my best to answer asks more often. I’ll be able to do more on Sundays and Mondays because those are my days off from work. The rest of the days(excluding Saturday), I can be really busy. But I am here and doing well!

Keep Strong and Keep Moving,
Turtle Girl