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Today I Fucked Up

r/tifu

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39.3k

Posted by13 hours ago

Poop

3

TIFU by purchasing an expensive coffee machine and making a terrible discovery

I drink a lot of coffee. My mornings consist of two 300ml mugs of coffee, and I sometimes have a third after dinner later in the day.

Recently, I got far too into James Hoffmann's videos and decided to upgrade my shitty drip coffee machine for a proper precision brewer. And when I say precision, I mean that this thing comes with a water testing strip so you can calibrate the machine for the mineral content in your water supply. Serious nerd shit.

To justify the ludicrous amount of money I spent on what appears to be the Hadron Collider of coffee machines, I did some research on brewing ratios in order to maximise the allegedly life-changing potential of this equipment. Now, coffee science says the ideal water-to-beans ratio for this brew method is about 60g of grounds per litre of water. Out of interest, I decided to prepare my usual ratio from the old machine and see how close I was. It turns out, since I got the old machine just over a year ago, I've been brewing at about 20g/litre, resulting in what I now realise is pathetically weak brew.

I prepared a proper 60g/L brew with the new machine, and the resulting coffee was on another planet. The flavours were so developed it was like I could taste the touch of the Colombian farmer who picked the beans. I drank my full morning dose of two 300ml mugs in just over an hour.

And then, I discovered an unexpected side effect.

The year of drinking weak-ass brew has conditioned my body for weak coffee. And I had just drunk over half a litre of coffee that was theoretically three times as strong as usual.

It has now been an hour since I finished that first pot and I can hear the passage of time. A fly flew past me in slow motion. I made an omelette for lunch and I beat the egg so fast it turned into steam. My heart no longer beats; it vibrates. And there is something unholy brewing in my lower intestine and I am fearing the wrath of God when it is released. Send help.

TL;DR: My new coffee machine gave me the knowledge that I've been conditioning my body to piss-weak brew for a year, and two cups of the real strong stuff made me transcend the space-time continuum.

EDIT:

Here is the machine I bought, for those who have asked, although it appears to be sold out at the moment. Did I get the last one?

39.3k

575

Posted by5 hours ago

TIFU by closed-fist punching my 3-year-old in the middle of the face

Happened today.

I promise, I usually don't have stepdad-reflexes, but my 3 year old son has a unicorn suit that he's been wearing for the last week. Well, it's cheaply made, so the zipper is terrible. He was trying to zip it up and he was getting very frustrated. I decided to come help, but I also couldn't get it zipped back up easily. I had zipped it about to his chest, but the dang thing wouldn't move.

So I'm trying to slide this thing up and he's looking down at the zipper and I'm struggling with it. I turn my hand such my knuckles are facing up while holding the zipper between my thumb and pointer knuckle when it slips and I closed-fist punch my little guy right in the middle of his poor, darling face. Immediate tears, mom runs down to see what the hubbub is about, and through sobs he says "papa hur-hurt m-m-meeeeeeeee!"

He is fine, but I feel bad

Tldr: Try to zip up my kid's suit. Punch him in the face instead.

575

1.8k

Posted by14 hours ago

Wholesome

2

Wholesome Seal of Approval

TIFU by completely misunderstanding the Secret Santa game at work and making a complete fool out of myself

A bit of context.

I'm working in Europe and I was raised in an Arabic country so Christmas and everything else that comes with it is a completely foreign concept to me. My colleagues are awesome and I'm really enjoying working with them in the company. The only downside is that when they're extremely tired, their English tends to make less and less sense.

We are a small team of 5 and my manager brought it up to me that she wants to do this thing where we will make a "game" and choose a "name" then give that chosen name a gift. I remember I double checked if I understood correctly. I said oh so the whole team is going to buy a gift to that person? Being this conversation took place on a late Friday afternoon and her being tired, she said yeah sure. I found the concept weird. But I thought maybe it's a cultural thing so I said yeah sure I'm in.

We didn't really talk about it since. Today at work they said that they're going to finally play the game to find out who they're going to gift presents. I was like cool. We're gonna find out who's that lucky bastard getting the expensive gift. They also said secret Santa. I thought wow what a creative unbefitting name for such a game.

So my manager brought a paper bag and the names were inside written on small pieces of paper. She asked us one by one to take out one name each. I thought since we're 5, for every name there are 5 pieces of paper and the name that's picked the most will be nominated as the chosen secret Santa or whatever the fuck. I was rationalising how this is going to end up with one chosen individual to get the ultimate gift.

One girl said she'll go first and was excited. I was like wtf. Why does it matter. Weird but sure. This is my inner dialogue btw.

We all picked and then it was my turn. They're hiding the papers and reading them in secret. And I'm thinking what's with all the secrecy.

I was the one before the last. I put my hand in the bag and only notice 2 papers are left. Another wtf moment. I say nothing and pick up one of them. It's Celine. My favourite colleague. She deserves it I thought.

My manager picks up the last one and I thought it was time to vote. I get excited and wait for her to give us the mark.

1.8k

12.6k

Posted by1 day ago

I'm Deceased

TIFU by going to the dr and completely embarrassing myself

For the last couple of days i (22F) noticed a really bad smell whenever I went to bed. Last night it got so bad it actually woke me up. I sniffed my armpits and the smell was absolutely horrible. It made no sense since i showered the evening before. I got out of bed and sprayed some deodorant on which helped a little bit. This genuinely concerned me so I called the drs office and was able to schedule an appointment for this morning. I took another shower before I went. The dr checked and didn’t smell anything unusual. He told me it might be a reaction to food but wasn’t sure what it could be. He asked me to call in a few days to give an update.

I went home and i changed my sheets. While doing that, I accidentally knocked over an aloe plant that stood on my nightstand. Thats when i noticed. The roots of the plant were rotten to the core. I sniffed the plant and I determined that the smell came from there. I was absolutely mortified! I called the drs office and I had to tell them that the poor man sniffed my armpit for no reason besides my stupidity. The assistant told me the dr was in the office right now so she put me on the phone with him. I explained the situation and he couldn’t control his laughter. I could hear his assistant laughing in the background too. I apologized for wasting his time and for the pitsniff. He said it was alright and that he got a good laugh out of it so that was a little bit of a relief. But still, I don’t think I can ever show my face there again.

Tldr: I went to the dr because i was concerned about a horrible smell coming from my armpits. Dr sniffed armpit. I later discovered that the smell actually came from a rotten plant on my nightstand. When i called the drs office to explain, the dr and his assistant got a good laugh out of my mistake.

12.6k

24

Posted by3 hours ago

TIFU by getting drunk and forgetting the seltzers in the fridge were caffeinated

(obligatory this was yesterday but I forgot the TLDR and had too much of a migraine to fix it)

I love mixed drinks, but am also transitioning into a fully adult metabolism that can't tolerate constant sugar intake without significant weight gain. I've been trying to mostly use low or no calorie seltzer for most of my mixers lately. I also try to limit my caffeine intake since I asked a neurologist why I get all these headaches and she rightly chewed my stupid ass out over it. I still drink around 100-200mg daily. They make these cute energy drinks that are just 0 cal seltzer with some caffeine added that I bought for the first time yesterday. Bought a couple in each flavor for me and my partner to try over the next few days. Point being, I wasn't super used to the labeling.

We were spending time with friends for the night so I had one mixed with vodka at the start of the night, then went back to my usual seltzers. When I ran out of those, super drunk me was very excited to discover seltzers that I didn't remember buying, but that were cute and tasty! Later in the night the party starts winding down and I start sobering up so I decide it's a good idea to head to bed.

My heartbeat feels a little funny but that happens sometimes while drinking heavily so I did what I usually do and chugged a Gatorade to put some potassium back in me. This doesn't work, so I drink another one, which ALSO doesn't work. I start panicking. Did I drink too much salt? How is that even possible from just two of them??? Did I drink another one sometime without thinking or something? I chug some water just to be sure. This displeases my stomach but that's drinking all night for you.

As the early hours of the morning proceed, I'm sobering up and my fiance who went to bed way earlier finally wakes up and asks what happened to all those energy drinks weren't there like four left?

...oh FUCK.

I do the math and am pretty sure I drank five total starting 12 hours before hand meaning I've ingested 1000mg of caffeine total. The alcohol probably masked the anxiety and racing pulse at first, but by then it was long gone.

I spent about 4 to 6 hours laying in bed twitching with hot and cold sweats. I have a blood pressure/heart medication I can take for anxiety, and that helped a little, but mostly I just kept myself in a cool dark room and occasionally bolted to the bathroom with literal liquid shits.

Now I'm coming down and the rebound headache is settling in...

TL;DR Got drunk, drank 1000mg of caffeine, still feeling like trash over 24 later.

24

4.6k

Posted by1 day ago

Wholesome

TIFU by forgetting to bring my wallet to Wendy's

2 days ago, I (16M) went to Wendy's for a late night craving. I pulled up, ordered, and drove to the window, only to realize that I didn't have my wallet. I had no cash in my car and I didn't have any type of electronic payment set up.

Immediately after the man opened the window, I let him know that I accidentally forgot my wallet. I felt awful, as the food had already been prepared so it was too late to cancel. The guy asked me if I had Apple pay or anything, but I unfortunately did not. Then, this absolute legend PAID FOR MY MEAL!

I was beyond grateful that the food didn't go to waste and the guy was generous enough to cover the cost of the food. I felt terrible about not paying for my food, but I ate it and went back home. The next day, (yesterday) I decided that some fries and a chocolate frosty sounded good, and I went to Wendy's. It was at about 8:00 PM, and this time, I made sure that I had my wallet.

I ordered and pulled up to the window, but this time there was a different guy at the window. I paid for my $7 of food with a $20 bill, and when he handed me the change, I asked if he knew who was running the window the night before at about 10PM. Luckily, the guy from before was standing right there, so I gave him $10 for covering my meal the night before.

I'm so grateful that people like this man exist. If not for him, some good food would have gone to waste.

TL;DR MAKE SURE YOU BRING YOUR WALLET

4.6k

31

Posted by10 hours ago

TIFU By Ruining My Wife's Christmas Gift

My TIFU didn't happen this Christmas or even last season. I still feel bad about it to this day and for me it has served as a life lesson on how read your significant other and take a hint. I didn't realize it at the time, but she is an absolute messiah with knowing exactly people need or want; she has a sixth sense for gift-giving like a magical Santa at the end of a made-for-TV Christmas Special.

A few days before Christmas we were out spending the day shopping for our families. This particular mall was much longer than wide so we probably walked a few miles easy. By evening we were dog tired and discussing where to go out eat when I started thinking that I had just enough Christmas cash to get something I really wanted but never had. My family grew up poor - (how poor were you?) - so poor, I never had a really warm and fancy coat (it was always one or the other, never both) although we live in the south and the necessity of having one was far a few between seasons.

As we were passing by a store I saw something that made me swell with joy: a beautiful, fancy, leather, double-breasted coat reflecting the mall lights into my dilating pupils. I reached into my pocket and realized I had just enough left to get it.

I excitedly looked at my wife with a child's grin and had a dialogue something like this:

"You know, I have just enough cash left to get that coat. I think I'm going to get it - I never had one and I really like it."

"What? You don't need that - you have one already."

"Yeah, but I never had a really nice, warm one. I really like that one over there."

"Your coat is fine. You don't need another one. You're being silly."

At this point she is getting aggravated and I'm oblivious as a kid fixated on a new toy. I just stared at the display and said, "I've always wanted something both nice and warm to wear like that one. I think I'm going to buy it - yes, I'm definitely going to get it."

I start bee-lining towards the display like a moth to a streetlamp. She physically blocks me from walking towards the storefront and her voice suddenly becomes uncharacteristically panicked, angry, and demanding, "You don't need that. The one you have is fine. You're being rash. Stop behaving like a child."

31

About Community

r/TIFU means Today I Fucked Up

Created Mar 4, 2012

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Fuckup of the Month Winners

October 2022 |ih8microwaves |TIFU by masturbating too long in the shower
September 2022|Tylerlife | TIFU / My (20F) girlfriend of two years told me the music that I (25M) play during sex is weird and a major turn off
August 2022| thegodofwine7 | TIFU by accidentally searching Riley Reid on my wife's phone

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