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Jan 12

Today I wish to pay tribute to the time-honoured magazine photoshoot "put hot man in a suit in a pool". The more you think about it the weirder it is?! Andrew Garfield seems to be the latest actor roped into it.

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God yes, yes please, tell me this obscure story about... what's her name again, never heard of her, let me see if she has a Wikipedia page

Oh I see how it is, not a single person congratulating me for my brilliant off-the-cuff wit in saying "The Turn of the Saw" when discussing Henry James and the Saw franchise in rapid succession. You can all fucking do one

[Everybody getting furious about nepo babies] Isabelle Huppert: Tenez ma bière

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The King has rejected the idea of a cut-price coronation. The event will be a once-in-a-lifetime spectacle of “glorious” pomp and pageantry after Buckingham Palace telegraph.co.uk/royal-family/2

11h

A man in this cafe has just said "It's arguably their signature dish" to his teenage daughter, who duly gave him the shittiest look imaginable

Guy Lodge

@GuyLodge

12h

Truly. I saw a feature on 2022’s best performance being shared around yesterday: it was full of wonderful writing, but I think 3 of 30 or so selections were not in English. If critics don’t make the effort, nobody else will.

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15h

Recurring, somewhat pissy reminder that films in the English language are not the only films! It really does have to keep being repeated!

Love this hilarious answer in today's Guardian from the director of TOP GUN: MAVERICK. It's certainly true that the villains are completely nothing cardboard figures, with zilch at stake except attacking America in some diffuse way!

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Resolution for 2023: become a man in his 80s who always eats breakfast in the same cafe at the same time, thereby attaining "local celebrity" status

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Another little share for this podcast appearance by moi, talking about Carol. I can speak in sentences!

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Simon Brew

@simonbrew

As ever, hugely proud to host the official Studiocanal podcast! In this episode: @CasparSalmon on the film Carol @SoozUK on Santa Claus: The Movie. Both golden. audioboom.com/posts/8217867-

Recurring, somewhat pissy reminder that films in the English language are not the only films! It really does have to keep being repeated!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the ones in that gang of weird obsessives who had worked so hard to make their berserk not-in-MY-bathroom collective appear reasonable in the editorial pages of various British newspapers will be absolutely *fuming* that this crazy bastard is back. 🍿

Target date for cleaning up waterways in England is moved back by 36 years

This is so evil, proper Mephistopheles shit.

theguardian.com

Environment Agency under fire for extending schedule for tackling pollution in rivers, lakes and coastal waters to 2063

Had a fun time going on the StudioCanal podcast, listen to me saying words here:

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Simon Brew

@simonbrew

As ever, hugely proud to host the official Studiocanal podcast! In this episode: @CasparSalmon on the film Carol @SoozUK on Santa Claus: The Movie. Both golden. audioboom.com/posts/8217867-

Kath

@KathyBurke

Just saw my postie, a lovely person & union rep. He said they were so sorry for letting people down with the strikes. As if! These brilliant people, NHS staff and public transport workers served ALL OF US during the pandemic. The least we can do is show our support to them now.

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This was such a beautiful message. I cherish these moments

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amalgamated spats

@iggigg

Replying to @CasparSalmon

Happy birthday Caspar, I'm sick of your war on women's rights

I know it looks suspiciously like I'm groping Dame Judi Dench in this photo but I honestly had no idea where my hand was

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Paul Ridd

@PaulRidd

Happy Birthday to the GOAT @CasparSalmon. Here he is just this last Saturday, sharing a moment with Dame Judi Dench.

Today is my birthday. Please respond to this tweet in the spirit of a celebrity roast on Comedy Central, or in another mode of your choosing.

[doing a Where's Wally book with my 5yo; muttering to myself] "Where's Wally... where's... Wally"

This Netflix Lady Chatterley is sort of terrible in most ways - I mean, the book is pretty awful let's face it - but Jack O'Connell is good as usual, and the sex is really horny and ripe, which I suppose is the whole point of the thing. Shame about the dumbing down elsewhere!

I'm watching The Traitors with the kids, on the recommendation of my 8yo. I've started on episode 5, and I have to say, I understand absolutely nothing of what is going on

Congratulations to my dad on going viral at last!

It's my birthday again tomorrow, somehow, so because of that I'm once more sharing this piece I wrote two years ago, as it's still valid. straightouttacrouchend.blogspot.com/2020/12/this-i

Could really do with the word "men" not being used to designate only straight men, in the year 2023. Ein biẞchen nuance, bitte!

These were my votes in the poll. You can find all the contributors' ballots here: bfi.org.uk/sight-and-soun

Pretty good and fun list overall, even though I passionately disagree with some of the films here!

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Sight and Sound magazine

@SightSoundmag

And the winner is… AFTERSUN (dir. Charlotte Wells) Find out what Sight and Sound critics have voted as the 50 best films of 2022 bfi.org.uk/sight-and-soun

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Terrific and on the money as ever

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Nesrine Malik

@NesrineMalik

‘Harry and Meghan, in good times and bad, are burdened with representational expectations because in Britain we like talking about racism when the stakes are low and the profile of the protagonists is high’. Today’s column theguardian.com/commentisfree/

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God, Bill Withers was really on one when he wrote Use Me, wasn't he! Jesus Christ!

Could the problem be tabloid culture in general? No, no - those publications do "great work", publish some "brilliant splashes" and are a great way for talented journalists to get valuable experience blackmailing a reality TV star about their sexuality

Charlotte Church

@charlottechurch

Dec 18

Also Jeremy Clarkson, wow that poor bastard needs so much therapy. All I can suggest is that he undertake some form of the hero's journey and come back to the village ever changed or do civilization a favour and fuck off from public life.

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Reckon I'm going to reinstate "literally save someone's life" on my resolutions list, after taking it off for a few years because of it being so unrealistic. It would make you feel so good about yourself, wouldn't it, and everyone would be really impressed. Good resolution

Gaga Throwbacks - Fan

@ThrowbacksGaga

Dec 5

12 years ago today, Lady Gaga said this instead of denying rumors that she was a hermaphrodite.

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Getting whiplash from the fact that Katy Hessel spoke to Hattie Crisell. All words are just sounds now

Klaxons?

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Stereogum

@stereogum

In addition to dismissing “dog ass” TV shows, @BobDylan lists some modern artists he’s discovered (Julian Casablancas, Klaxons, “The Oasis Brothers”) and explains why he thanked “the crew from Dunkin Donuts“ in his new book… stereogum.com/2208853/bob-dy

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James Lasdun · Stop all the cocks! Who killed Jane Stanford? · LRB 1 December 2022

Thought this review by James Lasdun was just delicious, and very funny:

lrb.co.uk

Many of the private colleges and universities in the US arose as much out of vanity or whim as necessity. But for...

I've fucked up and the museum I wanted to go to is closed. Where should I take a friend in central London for a couple of hours?

It's my birthday week, and this year - which has been a hard one for all of us - I'm reflecting on how similar I am, when you think about it, to the other guy with a big birthday this week (same body shape, party guy, has argued with some Romans at least once)