Ok so basically I’m a ball of stress. Even though school just started a few weeks ago, I already feel ground down and stressed out. I’ve been really, really busy working, planning my wedding, and trying to graduate in the spring. I moved back to my parents’ house to save money last year. After living on my own, it’s depressing to be back here even though my family really isn’t THAT bad, and they even pay for some of my tuition.
And I’ve been trying but can’t even focus on my school stuff… I’ve really been struggling with one class in particular that I need so i can graduate with my double psych / sociology major. Let’s call it “Family Sociology.” I like the professor even though she’s really tough, but for some reason I’ve just been having a lot of trouble retaining the concepts and applying them. I’ve spent the past 2 weeks irrationally dreading the first major assignment, which was a 3-page essay about our own families and applying the concepts of the class to them. Meanwhile I literally only went home to sleep because I was so busy with work, finalizing the details for the venue for the wedding, seeing my fiancé, and school. I spent more time worrying about the essay than actually writing it, and suddenly it was due the next day and I had LITERALLY NOTHING. to make matters worse, I had a BAD DAY that day.
We had to go look at wedding venues during the day, and my mom was annoying as fuck as usual, the kitchen was a total mess because my dad never fucking cleans anything, and I feel like my sister is just trying to constantly start drama with my bridesmaids. Work was stressful and I barely got a lunch break. That night the clock was ticking and I just couldn't get any thoughts together to write.
So, I did something I’m not totally proud of and that I’ve never done before.
I paid a ghostwriter from a website to write an essay for the class. I gave them the instructions. They messaged me on the site and said that they needed some details about my family to write it. They said to give them as much info as I was comfortable with.
I did a lot of venting, maybe more venting than giving guidance. I told them that my dad is a passive spineless jackass who still manages to be a misogynist. I told them that my sister had a personality disorder and was probably an addict. I told them my mother is a toxic narcissist determined to ruin my wedding. Finally the writer was like, wow, that sounds really tough, I can take it from here.
And then I felt a lot better and went to bed.
Obviously, the site has stuff about how you're only supposed to use the paper as a guide, and I was thinking, ok…I'll just have them write it, seeing an example would help a lot, and then I'll kind of rewrite it to make it sound like my own essay. But by the next morning my sister was already stirring up shit, and my laptop was dead, and I was running late for work.
I borrowed my sister’s laptop and just turned in the document as I got it from the ghostwriter. Not a good idea obviously, I didn't even check if it had errors in it or if it really followed the guidelines, I did not even read it. But fuck it. At that point it was either a shortcut or just nothing at all.
I won’t lie and say it ate at me. I felt a bit bad, but I made a big effort to study more on my lunch breaks, and some of the content started to make more sense.
