A Chicken Is Not Pillage

No Z For Me

Though many remain incredulous, including my beloved, I have no intention of seeing the movie World War Z.  Most certainly I'll catch it on HBO sometime, or Netflix.  But I will not pay so very much money for a theater to show me a movie I find offensive on so very many levels.  The very first reason is that I don't like bait'n'switch.  One shouldn't name a bologna sandwich 'peanut butter and jelly' just to get in on the popularity of a childhood staple.  To those of us familiar with the Zombie oeuvre, that is precisely what this movie does.  The book, World War Z, written by Mel Brooks' son Max, has no resemblance at all to the movie.  As Max Brooks has famously said, the only thing the movie has to do with the book is the name.

It's not just that simple.  The book was a terrific effort at fantasizing the oral history of those who would survive such a global and horrible conflict.  The characters were often not heroic, sometimes stupid, frequently morally questionable, a tad delusional and essentially human in crisis.  The book portrayed a reality that wasn't, though the people very well could have been.  By the trailers and reviews, the movie seems to be a Brad Pitt action venue.  Sorry, but I have no interest in seeing how Brad Pitt would react to a Zombie Apocalypse.  I would rather know how my neighbors would react; how my co-workers would react.  I would rather fantasize about how I would react (the point of a movie) without having to be BRAD PITT!

And another thing.  As my friend Derek Koch so famously (to me) once wrote: 

and, I'm sorry, man . . . zombies DON'T RUN. It's a fact, brother . . . a FACT. :) 

No.  No they really don't.  The SFX guy for the movie seems to think they should, but his reasoning is bullshit.  He says:

"I think a major change in zombie behavior in this was if something were to bite you, well, you're still fresh, you're still able to move quickly. But now you don't think about yourself. You only think about where's my next bite, where's my next takedown. And you will run as fast as you can because you're still healthy, and you'll lead with your teeth to take the next human down,"

Excuse me?  No.  Wrong.  Try again.  The whole point of 'Zombies' is that they're DEAD!  They're not "fresh".  They are corpses.  Getting bitten doesn't turn you into a zombie.  DYING turns you into a zombie.  Running more than a hundred yards requires oxygenation of the blood, which you can't do as a zombie.  YOU'RE DEAD.  You don't breath.  You don't have blood flow.  Rigor mortis sets in a matter of few hours.  Of course, since you're still moving you avoid that, but you won't be moving fast.  Yes, they will be moving as fast as they can, which isn't very fast at all except over extremely short distances.  Derek is correct.  Zombies don't run.  It's a fact, brother, a fact.

What Max Brooks proposed was within the bounds of frightening reality.  Due to mass panic, personal relationships and the total disbelief that the dead can come back, zombies could pose a serious threat to human existence.  What Brad Pitt proposes is a losing scenario, where ants dressed like humans could take over the world in mere months.  That's not a movie I really want to see.  When all is said and done, I won't suspend disbelief.  Certainly not for the inevitable sequels.

This is the way the way the movie should have been done:

 

Still, I won't leave you empty handed.  Let's review the best weapons by which zombies can be put down:

 

It's A Part Of My Rock'n'roll Fantasy

Let's take a break from the goofy-ass shit that passes for our so-called national discourse, shall we?

Cracked online posted yet another of their absolutely wonderful lists, this one being near and dear to my heart.  The call it, 7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail (Quickly).  Let's be clear here.  Their reasons are not scientific.  They are assumptions based on observation and known behavior of corpses.  please read the whole thing, and then we can continue.

Done?  Good.  Let's treat with them one at a time.

1)  Natural predators.  Not so convincing.  Many carnivores prefer fresh meat, and those that don't require such (save avians) tend to be in limited numbers.  Also, it's never made any sense in the Zombie mythology that they would only eat human flesh.  If one examines zombies as simply a bipedal carnivorous machine, many of the drawbacks that hinder humans in self-defense against predation disappear.  We spend the first many years of our lives learning to control our natural strength; hence primates half our size appear much stronger than we are.  Remove those controls, and you have a pretty dreadful diminutive form of the incredible Hulk.  Now multiply those numbers ...  The insect argument also holds water only so long as onme assumes natural order for a creature that is by defination, not of nature.

2)  Heat.  I've had a dead pig explode on me before, so I have some emotional sympathy for this one.  But again, it assumes that death process is natural for something that defies the death process by definition.

3)  Cold.  This one has teeth, but still suffers from the same assumptions as number two.  Internal heat can be generated by a variety of sources, and zombies aren't imagined as big lizards.  Something animates them, and there are no guarantees of a cold constitution.

4)  Biting as a spread agent.  I like this one, and it has played out in movies before.  Sentimentality, affection and concern all lead to the spread of disease because zombies are (or were) us.  It's not that difficult to believe that biting (saliva) could be an effective agent of spread among a species which so embraces itself.  Rabies spreads pretty effectively among a species population; so it isn't that difficulty to see another such plague spread equally well.  The STD analogy just doesn't work here.  I can bite a co-worker a whole lot easier than I can convince one to have sex, especially if I'm drooling and muttering "Braaains!".

5)  Healing.  Again, a fair complaint, based on the assumption of current biology working in a  creature who's existence is defied by all known biology.

6)  Landscape.  Fair but pretty pointless.  In the milieu of zombie presentation, there is no consistency concerning their intelligence, or lack thereof.  They obviously recognize food from not-food, which is completely ridiculous given their obvious appetite for the  'long pork'.  So, they couldn't recognize a drop from a rise?  I'm not buying it.

7)  This one is spot on and to the point.  Not one bio-infestation on this space rock has ever been as good at the killing as Homo Sapiens.  We think about it, we plan for it, we plan to plan for it.  We build monolithic structures to our ability to eradicate.  We are one nasty ass bunch of bipedal hominids, far worse than any corpse that dug itself from the grave.  That was the view of Romero, (hallowed be his name).  It was also the view of Max Brooks in his definitive description of the Zombie Apocalypse, World War Z.  Brooks only got one thing wrong.  He posited that, having come to the conclusion that we in America faced total war, our leadership would pull back to the defensible position of Hawaii.  No.  He need look no further than the Rockie Mountains.  The Western third of the US would be clear of dead-walkers faster than you could say"do you hand load or buy factory?"  The American South wouldn't likely be far behind us.  What Cracked also got wrong is the role of the military.  Unit cohesion and ROE would spread infection, and keep the military from a large initial role.  After that, it's a corpse fest.

Strangely, this latest listing from Cracked seems to conflict with an earlier one, 5 Scientific Reasons A Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen.  Go ahead and read that; I'll wait. 

Done?  Good.  Notice, most of those postulations stand against the latter screed about corpse behavior.  But there's a missing link there.  Waaaay on back in 1954, an author by the name of Richard Matheson wrote a book he called I Am Legend.  Now in that book, the 'antagonists' were Vampires.  (Yes I do use the word ironically, given the point of the book and it's title.)   They were not albino Satanists, or daylight hating animagus, as other movies have pretended.  The undead were brought back to life by a bacillus, a bacteriological infection which sealed the pores and imbued the walking dead with a hunger for human blood.    It was a parasitic form of life which defied most of what Cracked's  'scientific' complaints espouse.  The behavior that we're talking about here is very much like the 'nano-bot' threat level that Cracked rates as OH SHIT!.  That could well be the Zombie Apocalypse.  And if it happens ...

Amanda Marcotte took a day off from railing against anti-feminists and looked at the Zombie issue as any rational person would.  Her conclusion is brilliant.  The stupidest thing of all about visions of the Zombie takeover is that resources would be scarce.  Think about it.  Everything Zombies need is contained within their shambling shells.  But everything we Homo Sapien Killer Monkeys need is now unprotected, unclaimed and available for the grabbing.  I agree with her.  When If the Zombie Apocalypse happens, guns, ammo and food will be the least of my worries.

The Zombie Movie Database

Found, as is usual, via the ever inquisitive Brother D.

The Zombie Movie Database.

And, from Dave Merriman, a dessert fit for the undead.  Finally, also from Dave though I'd seen it before, the graphic I was too much of a wimp to post for Easter:

The Undead Stand No Chance

Finally, a social network for those us who will save your butts when the zompocalypse happens.  If you are a Facebook user, then join the group Montana Zombie Preparedness Initiative.  Don't hesitate.  The end could come at any time. 

This Is How The Zompocalypse Begins

I especially love the cameo by 'Michelle Malkin' ...

A Trio Of Treats

I'm posting this up a day early for Halloween, because I generally don't have the time to post *ON* Halloween.  Besides, who wants to spend Halloween skulking on the Intertubes.  I wanted to do a link post, but feel shamed by the epic past endeavors of certain Batgrl.  She would flood the 'tubes with more Halloween goodness in one place than any human could stand.  Perhaps that was her plan, to drive us mad with All-Hallows Eve joy.  Regardless, I am not her, and can only make a shallow attempt at doing justice to this holiday.

In my neighborhood, there are usually no trick-or-treaters at all.  So, when one does show up at the door, my beloved (and most everyone else in the hood) over indulges them with more candy than is sensible.  So here is my indulgence; the title says 3; expect more.

First, I don't comment at Metafilter anymore, but I still read it.  From there, I encountered one of the best analysis of monster might anywhere.  From Threat Quality Press, A Hierarchy of Monsters.  Please, do not stop there.  The comments to the Metafilter thread are priceless, especially those from  robocop is bleeding.

To really look at a hierarchy of threat, we need to start from the perspective of a potential victim and work our way up from there. As I can tell you from personal experience, there is little practical difference in being locked in a closet while the corpse of your dead wife, animated through dread magics, pounds on the door with cold, unyielding fists and being lost in a Bavarian forest, running from a chorus of howls and snarling, fanged mouths.

In the end, the victim's life will end. Whether it ends at the claws of a werewolf, fangs of a vampire, axe of a drowned kid, or nightmare of a dreamstalker doesn't matter.

This is quality stuff.

Second, the always clever Dave Merriman sends a link to the must-have insurance of the current century.  The other poseurs can move aside.  My Zombie Insurance is the product needed for the Zombpocalypse.

Third, enough with the imprecise verbiage!  WonderMark gives us the terms we need.  Presenting the Stoakes-Wibley Natural Index of Supernatural Collective Nouns.  It should be no surprise that my favorite is 'a vexation of zombies'.

Finally, I am not a video gamer.  I like games, and have played many.  However, a game must have a certain something to appeal to me.  Creepiness is high on my list of gaming joys.  Doom 3 had it's moments; F.E.A.R. was just shock value lame.  Undying remains one of my favorite games of all time.  But back in the old dark days of DOS, Phantasmagoria was all that and then some.  The video, filmed with live actors, was simply gravy to the creepy music and actual game exploration.  It is the videos that brought out the creepy flavor of all the weird stuff you had to do to prepare *not* to get killed in a horrific manner.  I know I'm probably johnny-come-lately to this, but the murderous cut-scenes have been posted online, and I-Mockery has compiled them in one handy spot for your horror viewing pleasure.  Yes, I know the demon looks stupid in the extreme, but this was revolutionary stuff as regards gaming.  And more to point, it was horrific.

Well, that's all I got.  Except this:

Fashion Freak
Uploaded by ptitepapaye. - Watch more music videos, in HD

Yes I know I've posted that before.  But that video is becoming something of holiday tradition with me ...

Happy Halloween, folks.

Zombie Workout

I don't even know how to describe this.  It just kinda has to be seen.

It's About Time

Thank God for the University of Florida.  They have recognized what we all should hold as the biggest threat to our national freedoms:  the zombies.  Oh sure, other institutions will offer preparedness documents to save our souls against WMDs and lone shooters.  But when that rotting bloody corpse tries to bite your ear off?  No.  Only UF cares enough to provide a preparedness plan.

And, if you need the short version to print and put in your wallet, try this:

 

My suggestion?  Always go heavily armed.

Zombieland

Now, this looks fun.

Zombieland.  This is easily the role that Woody Harrelson was born to play.  But I must say, I still don't cotton to zombies running.  Zombies don't run.  That's a fact, brother ... A FACT.

However, I have been remiss and slacking.  I cannot apologize enough for having never brought you The Zombie World News.

Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome

It's about time science caught up with the war at hand.  I offer you:

How a zombie brain works.