F*ckin' Elite Strike Force Idiot Out Here Talkin' About Human-Animal Hybrid Sports Teams
The host in this Newsmax clip is Betsy McCaughey, who is mostly known for inventing the lie about death panels in Obamacare, which is really curious now that white conservatives are death-paneling themselves during a pandemic because they're all too brainwashed to get their fucking shots.
The esteemed panel is discussing Lia Thomas, a trans woman who's a college swimmer at the University of Pennsylvania. Thomas reportedly wins a whole lot, but was recently beaten, apparently, by a college swimmer from Yale who is a trans man who competes with women. There are complex and interesting conversations to be had about issues like these, conversations where non-hateful people can come together to hash out nuanced questions. Those conversations will not be happening on Newsmax.
McCaughey asks out loud if there should be a third sports league just for trans people, and that's when Jenna Ellis, a Newsmax contributor, got to talk for a whole minute of her life. Just got to really show off that brain!
ELLIS: As far as making a third category, I think that that's absolutely ridiculous, and the sports world shouldn't give in to these transgender narcissists who simply can't compete at elite levels in their own biological categories.
Wait. We thought the bigot argument was that trans athletes would always have an unfair advantage, not that people were going to fake being trans because they couldn't compete with the gender they were assigned at birth. [It's always been both! — Ed] Of course, we shouldn't be surprised, because these dipshit conservative evangelicals literally think burly cisgender men are going to fake trans so they can see boobies in girls' locker rooms.
And is it "transgender narcissists" asking for a third category, or was that something Betsy McCaughey just pulled out of her ass?
Ellis's next question:
ELLIS: So what happens when an elite sports player and college student says "well, I'm a bear!"
Indeed, what DOES happen when a college student athlete says "well, I'm a bear"? Do they insist on doing competitive figure skating with the troupe of competitive figure skating bears that exists at every university? And do the other figure-skating bears at that college have a say in this? Is there an audition process?
And does Jenna Ellis mean ANIMAL bears?
or GAY bears?
Because gay bears are really accepting and if an elite college athlete says they're a bear, gay bears gonna be like, "YOU SURE ARE, GURL. Now stop shaving your chest hair."
ELLIS: Do we now have TRANS-MAMMAL SPORTS TEAMS?
Oh, she means animal bears. George W. Bush warned us about this.
ELLIS: This is utterly ridiculous that we're having to cave to these types of categories rather than say you compete in the gender that is your biology.
Hahahahaha she said "cave." Know where bears live? (Animal bears not gay bears.)
In summary and in conclusion, Jenna Ellis calls herself "America's lawyer" in her Twitter bio. That's it, that's the final joke in this post.
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Green Bay QB Aaron Rodgers Got 'Immunized.' We Guess From Prosecution, Because It Wasn't Against COVID-19!
Hello! Tis I, your friendly resident cheesehead and football fan.
I need sports. In a world that's quickly becoming uninhabitable and a country where literal Nazis are making a comeback, sports give me the escape from reality that I need. I don't get people who say they don't care about sports because they're meaningless – it's the fact that sports are meaningless that makes them so great! It's almost meditative, to take a few hours to care about nothing but which team gets the ball past the line or through the giant U-shaped thing the most times.
Aaron Rodgers is good at football. He's a Super Bowl MVP, three-time regular-season MVP, and – and no, I'm not just saying this because I'm biased – one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time.
That's why it was even more disappointing when the news broke yesterday that, Rodgers, who contracted COVID, was unvaccinated.
"But why," you may ask, "is Antivaxxer Aaron just breaking now?" And that's a great question! Why did we all think Aaron Rodgers, one of today's most famous football players, was vaccinated?!
OH, RIGHT, MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE HE TOLD US HE WAS.
Back in August, a reporter directly asked Rodgers if he had been vaccinated. Rodgers said, "Yeah, I've been immunized," and we all took him at his word.
What none of us realized was that Aaron has a different definition of that word than, well, literally everyone else.
After Rodgers tested positive for COVID yesterday, we learned that rather than receive one of the three approved vaccines for COVID-19, Rodgers got an "alternate treatment" from his personal doctor "to raise his antibody levels." He petitioned the NFL to have his snake oil treatment treated like a real vaccine, but the NFL was like "lol nah."
In response to a follow-up question after saying was "immunized," Rodgers also said:
"There's guys on the team that haven't been vaccinated. I think it's a personal decision. I'm not going to judge those guys," Rodgers said in August. "There's guys that have been vaccinated that have contracted COVID. So it's an interesting issue."
Someone thought his clever language would protect him. And for a while, obviously, it did. But now, that strategy appears to have worked about as well as Antibody Aaron's "immunization."
It's also a bummer that Rodgers didn't just own what he was doing. At least other science-deniers, like fellow QBs Kirk Cousins and Cam Newton, were upfront about it. According to the Wisconsin State Journal, "Aaron Rodgers arrived at Green Bay Packers training camp in July believing he was protected from COVID-19 — or at least as protected as anyone who'd received the Pfizer, Moderna or Johnson & Johnson vaccines." If that's the case – if Rodgers really believed the essential oils or whatever worked just as well as the vaccines being used around the world – he should have said so. I just hope Rodgers was, at least, honest with the people around him about his vaccination status.
There's also something about chemtrails, apparently? But as far as I can tell, the chemtrails and the fake COVID vaccine, while similar, are unrelated.
Honestly, this is probably all somehow my fault. The universe really likes to troll me, and sports are one of my favorite escapes from *gesticulates wildly*. So of course my golden-boy-crush-Brett-Favre-palate-cleanser-GOAT quarterback would end up breaking my heart in this way. (Please, oh please, just tell me he's not going to go full Favre. I really can't handle another full Favre.)
Oh, and, just to really nail home the fact that I'm right that this is a simulation and my life is "The Good Place," it looks like the Packers are signing none other than Jason Mendoza favorite Blake Bortles.
But hey, maybe we were all just expecting way too much from a jock from Chico who plays a sport best known for brain injuries. And at least there have been some truly excellent memes.
P.S. Aaron, now that you're sick, you may want to see a doctor other than the one who injected you with the horse dewormer or whatever. Please.
[ ESPN ]
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