Does the phrase "somebody blew up the Georgia Guidestones" make any sense to you? Probably not unless you are a bugfuck conspiracy theorist, or if you follow them for a living. But please understand that bugfuck conspiracy theorists think you know about this, and they think you are extremely upset about it, so play along, OK?
Over there at the Gateway Pundit, the site owned by Jim Hoft AKA the Stupidest Man On The Internet, writer Alicia Powe is so excited about the destruction of some rocks out in the hinterlands of Georgia, because of what they represent:
Why, it's the New World Order and the population control! Everybody shit your pants while worshiping Satan or whatever!
If you are a regular person, you may need us to back way up right now.
The general story is that way back in 1979, an anonymous person going by Robert C. Christian allegedly approached city officials in Elberton, Georgia, about building a Stonehenge-like monument out there in the sticks of Elbert County. The resulting contraption, built in 1980, was 19 feet tall, and it had a 10-part message for humanity, featured writing in many languages, and you have no idea how little interest we have in explaining bullshit like this in our own words these days, so here's a Georgia tourism website:
The Georgia Guidestones, Elberton's most unusual set of granite monoliths, poses a mystery for the numerous visitors who visit the site seven miles north of Elberton on Georgia Highway 77. Known as America's Stonehenge, this 19-foot high monument displays a 10-part message espousing the conservation of mankind and future generations in 12 languages. The Guidestones also serve as an astronomical calendar, and every day at noon the sun shines through a narrow hole in the structure and illuminates the day’s date on an engraving. The names of four ancient languages are inscribed on the sides near the top: Babylonian cuneiform, Classical Greek, Sanskrit, and Egyptian Hieroglyphics. The Guidestones are mysterious in origin, for no one knows the identity of a group of sponsors who provided its specifications.
Right, OK. Hey, you know those "See Rock City" messages on the roofs of barns all over America? This isn't Rock City, that's at the Georgia/Tennessee border on Lookout Mountain. This is a different part of Georgia.
Got it? Rock City did not get blowed up.
Anyway. Because of the mysterious origin story for the granite monument, and particularly because of one of the inscribed messages, which calls for keeping the world's population under 500 million, conspiracy theorists have been losing their minds about this shit for years, pretty sure that, as the Daily Beast puts it, they represented an "elite plot to kill off most of humanity." The rest of the messages on the monument were mostly just hippity-doo-dah shit about "living in balance with nature" and the like.
For more about the legend of the big Georgia rocks, Paste magazine did a good job telling the story.
Oh No Rocks Fall Down!
Early yesterday morning, around 4 a.m., somebody set off an explosive device, according to the Georgia Bureau of Investigation (GBI), doing partial damage to the monument. Now it's been fully dismantled for safety reasons. Of course, some conspiracy theorists are pretty sure it was lightning sent by God himself.
As you see above, Gateway Pundit is creaming itself over this victory for the Lord against the New World Order. The site links to another website called LeoHohmann.com, which is treating this like a world-changing news event that requires up-to-the-minute updates. Its headline refers to the Guidestones as "Monument to the devil," as opposed to "curious roadside attraction in flyover country next door to some cows."
Hohmann says it's not even credible for the GBI to be asking for tips to solve the crime, because there are cameras everywhere. (Which is perhaps why you can see a car speeding away in a video the GBI released.) He quotes a Florida pastor named Carl — totally the go-to for stuff like this, we suppose — who says, "We’ve got a spiritual war going on right here in front of our eyes, manifest in the physical.”
One Of America's Most Bugfuck GOP Candidates Weighs In
Kandiss Taylor, the superbly batshit "Jesus, Guns, Babies" person who ran in and lost the GOP gubernatorial primary in Georgia, made the Guidestones part of her campaign, tweeting that she was the "ONLY candidate bold enough to stand up to the Luciferian Cabal," adding that if you elected her, she would "bring the Satanic Regime to its knees — and DEMOLISH the Georgia Guidestones." During the campaign, the Daily Beast says, she did a video of herself going out to the Guidestones so she could "confront" them. She ultimately only got 3.4 percent of the vote from her fellow Republicans, which she knows means it was fraud, so she never got her chance to DEMOLISH the pile of rocks as governor.
That said, the GBI may still want to look at this tweet:
She says God did it, though:
She added in a video:
"Until I see a video that shows me anything but what looked like lightning or the hand of God moving on a situation, I'm going to believe it was God," she said. "If it was vandalism, then there's cameras everywhere."
“Those people should be brought to justice,” she said, adding that she didn’t support demolishing the structure via means “outside of our legal system.”
OK.
In related news, Alex Jones said yesterday that he's only happy this happened "on an animal level" — pause to throw up thinking about Alex Jones's "animal level" — but he wishes the pile of rocks was still there because here's why:
“We need that evil edifice there as a confession letter led by a consortium of eugenicists,” Jones said.
OK.
That Loser 'Coach' Dave Gets His Own Section In This Blog Post
Y'all remember this nerd?
We personally saw the earthshaking news of "Rocks In Field Go Boom" on the Facebook page of "Coach" Dave Daubenmire, an angry little short bugfuck anti-abortion, anti-gay extremist we should really pay attention to more, if only just to make fun of him. He's got his own little persecution story, which he used to launch himself onto a minor platform as ... whatever the fuck he is now. He is just Mister Mad and Mister Hates-The-Gays and Mister "Believes Anything He Reads On Conspiracy Theory Forums," and also at some point last year, he fell ill from electronic transmissions from COVID-vaccinated people. In 2020, he called Donald Trump "lusty" and "sinewy."
And he reported the news of the rocks like it was just a thing everybody knows and was waiting for. "The Georgia Guidestones have fallen," he posted. Seemingly alluding to a controversy he was 100 percent hallucinating, he asked, "Why is pulling down statues of Robt E Lee good but pulling down the Guidestones bad? Who determines that?" Posting a video of the explosion, he claimed it was a lightning strike. And he feverishly updated his followers until the rocks were 100 percent all fall down.
And y'all, his commenters, these people really think something happened here, and that their enemies, the liberals, are mourning the loss of these rocks. A sampling of comments we read on "Coach" Dave's Facebook:
- "We can't rule out that the other side did this because the guidestones were getting too much attention from those of us who are awake."
- "At the same time CERN started up."
- "Reminiscent of the fall and destruction of the idol / statue Dagon — in his own temple in 1 Samuel 5 and Judges 16.TIIIMBERRR!!!"
- "I'm amazed at how many folks are upset by this...sleepy much?"
- "Pay attention to who wants the stones restored and who is upset that they were broken. Those are the enemies of humanity."
- "In my humble opinion: The bad guys did this to try to get it blamed on us good guys. Standard operating procedure for the wicked. Remember— after Nero burned down Rome… He blamed the conflagration he falsely accused the Christians"
- "It's a psyop. An attempt by the luciferians to cause further division amongst the people while simultaneously targeting Christians, conservatives and any that can oppose their agenda by turning public opinion against them. Identify your enemy. Vilify them in view of the public. Nullify and rob them of political influence and power. Then destroy them."
Raise your hand if you had ever heard of these fuckin' rocks before this week. Reading a Wonkette post about them doesn't count.
It gets better. Dave is gloriously sharing video of the time he and a handful of morons went to the roadside attraction in November of 2020 to pray at it. So here's that for your viewing pleasure:
And that seems like a good place to get off this crazy train.
Some rocks got blown up in Georgia. They were probably blown up by somebody who's fallen into the rabbithole of believing conspiracy theories about said rocks having demonic powers. They probably think they've really owned the libs now, and also the libs' true father The Devil.
And you can laugh at it all you want. In fact, you should laugh at it. Because it's funny. But it's also astonishing to imagine how empty a human life must be for a person get sucked in to this or QAnon or any of the other things these morons believe in these days.
All their batshit beliefs are connected. Wait, excuse us, tHeY'Re aLL cOnNeCtEd!
Some rocks got blown up in Georgia. And we live among people who think that's the most important story in America right now.
If you see one of these people in the wild, back away slowly.
[NBC News / Daily Beast]
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