Oh Nothing, Just Tucker Giggling With The Trump Men About How Weird THIS OTHER GUY Is At Sex
Good thing those three are so regular at sex!
Y'all know that thing where Donald Trump was forced to endorse JD Vance in Ohio's Republican Senate primary, at least partially because Vance's creepy weird unfuckable opponent Josh Mandel is, in Trump's estimation, "fucking weird," and how Trump reportedly is always talking about Mandel's alleged sexual proclivities, "often in disgust," as the Daily Beast put it?
Well, Rolling Stoneis out with the political story of the year, about a conversation that happened before that fateful endorsement, which really does seem to be changing the Ohio primary. It's the tale of Trump sitting on the phone with all the coolest and most normal and most sexually well-adjusted guys — his son GrundleNut Junior and Tucker Carlson — and giggling like a bunch of schoolboys about how this other guy was weird at sex. Not Josh Mandel, but David McIntosh, the head of the Club For Growth, which supports Mandel. And the Trumps were riveted by the story Tucker was telling them.
Asawin Suebsaeng and Adam Rawnsley report:
“You can’t trust” David McIntosh, the president of the conservative Club for Growth and a top backer of Vance’s rival Josh Mandel, Carlson claimed. McIntosh had just concluded his own phone call with Trump during that same midday meeting. The reason, Carlson asserted, is that McIntosh has an embarrassing and “chronic” personal sexual habit.
Rolling Stone cannot confirm the claim and will not repeat it. But during that phone call, the twice-impeached former president spent a notable amount of time gossiping and laughing about the prominent Republican’s penis and how “fucking disgusting” and “fucking gross” he allegedly was.
OK wait. Wait. OK. Wait, OK. OK wait.
"You can't trust" David McIntosh of the Club for Growth, because of something he does in the sex way, which is "chronic." And this is according to known healthy psychosexual textbook case study Tucker Carlson. And this is something that's so funny that Donald Trump and his son could not stop giggling and talking about how "fucking disgusting" and "fucking gross" it was.
What?
Is this specifically about dude's penis? Because Donald Trump doesn't have a weird one of those at all, nor does he have the pubis of a Yeti.
Is dude a Club For Growther, not a Club For Showther, if you know what we mean? (WE MEAN HIS WEENUS MAXIMUS.)
Does he like to go to Moscow and have hookers pee on the bed while he claps his hands, allegedly? Does he beat up gay guys he thinks are looking at him funny in the bathroom?
What is it?
And how could this thing be "chronic" in such a way that "you can't trust" him?
Rolling Stone goes through the thing about how daddy Trump is obsessed with what Josh Mandel allegedly does under the sheets, but says this story from Tucker — again, Tucker, who is normal in every way and isn't known for his strange fixations with his own masculine insecurities — had the Trumps in "fits of laughter."
As the collective chortling wound down, the Fox News host told Trump that it is typically the most publicly strait-laced seeming individuals who end up being the most off-kilter, troubled, or sexually aberrant in private. “You know, that’s so true. That’s so true,” the ex-president concurred, according to two sources familiar with the meeting.
Just three regular guys, talking about things they have absolutely no personal experience with.
Whether this phone call was the final straw that made Trump support JD Vance is unclear. But he did indeed do that. Rolling Stone notes that the very next week was when Tucker started pushing his weird homoerotic "End of Men" documentary with the ball tanning and whatnot. And Trump endorsed JD Vance, who, upon Wonkette's reflection (probably) isn't weird at sex at all.
Think about it. Scientifically speaking, JD Vance is a 60-foot-tall roadside attraction sculpture made out of genuine butt hair. Pretty difficult to do sex when you are literally just an enormous pile of butt hair that's visible from seven states.
(To be fair, we can't say for sure JD Vance isn't weird at sex. For all we know maybe "Hillbilly Elegy" was his name for his penis before it was his name for his book. Or maybe he calls it something else strange like "The Great Yodeling Appalachian Grundle Staff." We don't know.)
Man, the gods are smiling on Wonkette with this story right now, what riches.
David McIntosh denies the very vague insinuation that there is something weird about his peen todger or the way he does coitus:
Absolutely ridiculous. False and manufactured nonsense.https://twitter.com/RollingStone/status/1519480769365872641\u00a0\u2026— David M. McIntosh (@David M. McIntosh) 1651109096
Well then! Rumors of [REDACTED] denied!
Rolling Stone says earlier that day, McIntosh talked to Trump and his gross son and tried to convince him to endorse Mandel, but it sounds like the Trumps weren't having it. And then there was this similar call with Tucker, who promised Trump that Vance was fully brainwashed into being a stupid MAGA pig and definitely no longer thought Trump was "America's Hitler." And they talked about the other candidates in the primary, and how much they sucked.
And then they talked about the guy who leads Club For Growth and something about his penis and something about how he does sex in an untrustworthy way and they laughed and laughed and laughed.
And the rest is history!
This will be a very serious scene when the documentary is made.
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Trey Gowdy DEMANDS Madison Cawthorn Say Which Republicans Are Big Orgy Guys, SAY IT!
Who is a 'deviant by night,' the former congressman would like to know!
Let's dip a toe back in and see if this thing about young Madison Cawthorn and his possible schoolboy fibs about cokeboner orgies (Roger Stone says REAL) is still going. Hooray, it sure is!
Trey Gowdy got on Fox News the other night, and the former GOP rep from South Carolina had some WORDS for this little first-term shitbird talkin' out of school about XXX caucus meetings and whatnot. Yew wanna name some names, Madison? If yew name some names, Trey Gowdy'll investigate it 58 times like he investigated Benghazi, but yew better name some names!
Ohhhhhh, he is high and mighty like a bumpkin country lawyer what just got his prize milk cow insulted by somebody who should know better!
GOWDY: My question for the congressman is simply this: Who? Give us the names. If you’re being invited to cocaine parties by colleagues, tell us who invited you! Who used illicit drugs in front of you? Who broke the very laws they passed, and expect to us follow?
A Republican? Snorting DRUGS and breaking LAW?
GOWDY: Which of your colleagues thinks he or she is above the law? Who is doubling as a deviant by night while talking about family values by day?
Is that really a roll call any DC Republican wants to happen?
The good ones don’t make the news, the bad ones get all of the attention.
GOWDY: I was in DC for eight years, and the people I associated with it were nothing like what this congressman described.
He's about to tell you what the people he hung out with were like.
GOWDY: Tim Scott’s idea of a wild time was ordering dessert.
Tim Scott was into "dessert." Does that sound like an orgy thing to you?
GOWDY: John Ratcliffe would run an extra mile! Jim Jordan would do extra pushups!
Sickos.
GOWDY: Kevin McCarthy, now, he did take us to see movies, and one time, he did order butter popcorn if that counts.
Kevin McCarthy did the butter popcorn one time. Does that sound like an orgy thing to you?
GOWDY: Joey Kennedy’s nickname was ‘milk,’ because It was the strongest thing he drank.
Try to put the words "milk" and "orgy" together in a sentence, KNOW WHAT? YEW CANNOT.
Also, they called him "Milk"?
GOWDY: Jason Chaffetz didn’t need milk because he didn’t even drink coffee.
Mormons are not allowed to have fun.
GOWDY: The people that I was around did none of what you described ever ...
Just good clean fun for these boys.
GOWDY: so if you are invited to NC -17 parties
"NC-17"? Is that the correct movie rating for "come to my orgy"?
GOWDY: and watching people do cocaine, then you're hanging around with the wrong people, but you should name them, so their constituents know what they are doing on the people’s dime.
We continue to agree with the sorely offended Republicans on this point.
GOWDY: And if, on the other hand, none of what you described really happened, you need to admit that too. [...] Either tell us who you saw doing cocaine and who invited you to sexually explicit parties, or admit what we suspect, which is that you made it up.
Stop fibbin', young man!
GOWDY: And then ask yourself where fairness and honesty fall on the list of qualities we should be looking for in members of Congress.
Not anywhere in the Republican Party, so let's simmer down, Trey.
Well, this has been fun.
Now about that "deviant by night" family values DC roll call. Journalists, get to digging.
Should be fun, with all of them canceling Disney in the name of hating LGBTQ people.
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Let Roger Stone Show You His Nixon Tattoo And Tell Ya ALL ABOUT DC Cokeboner Orgies
STONERBONERAMA!®
Skeevy old asshole Roger Stone has been quietly observing the fuss over Rep. Madison Cawthorn's very truthful not-a-fib (OK, probably a fib) stories about getting invited to Washington DC Political Cocaine Sex Orgies, and, as a libertine libertarian, felt the need to defend poor Rep. Cawthorn from all the mean comments people have made about how he had to have made up his tale of being invited to sex orgies. You see, Stone told the Washington Examiner as if anyone wanted to hear Roger Stone talk about sex orgies again, Washington DC is a regular sexpit of sexy sex orgies!
Despite House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy's pooh-pooing of Cawthorn's orgy story (McCarthy really shouldn't kink-shame like that), Stone pointed out that Cawthorn himself hasn't publicly disavowed his earlier claims, and by golly, says Stone, Cawthorn is undoubtedly speaking the truth!
“All we have is McCarthy's version of the conversation, and nothing Kevin McCarthy says can be believed. Why would we believe him? I mean, let Cawthorn speak for himself — not Kevin McCarthy or Steve Scalise,” Stone said in an interview, adding that he witnessed similar conduct to what Cawthorn alleged during his time in Washington.
Remember, this is Roger Stone, who's proud of everything he's done to promote his own image as a naughty eminence greasy of Republican politics. Roger Stone assailing the credibility of Kevin McCarthy is one of those whatchacallits, like in that movie about false memories of aiding Nicaraguan freedom fighters, ContraCeption.
Stone, you may wish to forget but we keep reminding you, got shitcanned from Bob Dole's 1996 campaign over sex swinger ads that Stone allegedly posted in an alleged sex swinger magazine for sex swingers. It's all part of his carefully curated myth as a Rather Louche Fellow, like that time he was photographed participating in semi-nude lickings with a semi-nude lady in a 2010 New York Pride Parade. But it's OK because he also said the parade was "disgusting," thus preserving his Republican family values credibility.
Also too, Stone is careful to remind anyone who asks about his wild years that he found new life in Jesus Christ, so whatever his past sins, he is now pure as a factory-sealed bottle of personal lubricant. He's willing to talk about, but not to relive, his glory hole days.
So if anyone knows about Sexual Perversity in Washington, it's Roger Stone, or so it's profitable for him to have you believe. Stone explained to the Washington Genital Wart Examiner that Cawthorn's comments were right on the money shot:
“As someone who lived in Washington, D.C., for 41 years, who was once part of the Washington elite system, everything Madison Cawthorn says is absolutely true," Stone said. "And I can see why Washington elites would now be scrambling to try to deny it because maybe the voters back home won't like what they're hearing.”
“Does anyone really believe that that doesn't happen? In Washington, in Hollywood, in New York, among elites? I mean, it is — it defies logic. I know for a fact these things happened when I lived there prior to — and this is important — prior to the reaffirmation of my belief in Jesus Christ. I saw these things up close. I'm a different person than I was when I lived in Washington. But I know firsthand that what Cawthorn says is true — it's true,” he added.
For all his purported intimate knowledge of these rampant Washington Orgies (one of the finalists for the new f'ball team name), Stone politely refrained from fingering any of the participants. Perhaps he's still under a ball gag order.
Stone expressed his complete certainty that Cawthorn was telling the truth, because Stone had spoken with the lad. Stone added that if McCarthy allows any kind of discipline against Cawthorn, like a really sexy spanking that Jesus will forgive if you only ask, McCarthy's the one who'd need a safe word.
“We communicated only once. He told me he was not backing down from his claims, as I reported that on social media, so I take him at his word. I would, first of all, recognize he works for the people back in North Carolina. He does not work for Kevin McCarthy,” he said.
“Kevin McCarthy has no sway over him — take away committee assignments," Stone continued, "but if they did so over this, all they'd be doing is underscoring the fact that these parties and drug abuse do happen, and they are desperate to cover it up.”
Stone also vowed to go straight to North Carolina to campaign against Sen. Thom Tillis, who responded to the controversy by endorsing one of Cawthorn's opponents in this year's primary. Oooh, how that Thom Tillis will rue the day he tangled with the Nixon-tattooed self-proclaimed master of dirty tricks!
“Now I have to go to North Carolina and campaign for Thom Tillis’s primary opponent because Donald Trump and Madison Cawthorn are more popular with the grassroots in North Carolina than Thom Tillis will ever be, never mind the other RINO there, Richard Burr. The elites are circling the wagons — the people who are attacking him are the elites. ... I predict that Republicans will take the House, but Kevin McCarthy will not be speaker,” he said.
Neither Stone nor the Examiner? I Barely Know 'Er! made any mention of the real dirty surprise here, which is that Tillis was reelected in 2020 and won't be up for reelection until 2026. That Roger Stone is such a master of political intimidation — but he clearly knows most Trumpers won't be bothered by little details like that. Maybe they'll even send Trump some money right now to help defeat Tillis.
And now we will finally let you stop thinking of Roger Stone and sex orgies, you are welcome.
[Washington Examiner/ New Yorker / NYP]
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Madison Cawthorn Says He Fibbed About Getting Invited To All The Cool Republican Boner Orgies
Likely story.
If you've never spent any time in the (mostly white) evangelical church, you might not be familiar with what happens when somebody gets up to deliver their "testimony." In fact, if you just grew up in some kind of normal Christian church, you might not be aware that you have a "testimony"! Oh, but you do. Your "testimony," if you are an evangelical Christian, is your story of amazing grace, how sweet the sound, and how it saved a wretch like you. In other words, how you came to accept Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior.
And listen, all testimonies are valid, but not all evangelical Christians really want to hear all valid testimonies. Some of them are a real snooze.
Evangelicals get off on a hot testimony, though. They want to hear about all the car chases and drugs and action sequences and sucking and fucking the person used to do before they met Jesus. The more graphic, the better. Because how powerful is Jesus, y'all! That saved wretch like that guy over there, who did all the sucking and the fucking! Now he doesn't do that anymore! He's right here at Redemption Evangelical Bible Church, drinking fair trade coffee from the evangelical redemption fair trade coffee shop and he's telling us his testimony about how Jesus saved him from all the anals!
Our God is an awesome God, indeed.
Likewise, evangelicals like to hear the stories of the temptations the faithful successfully resist. And again, the hotter the better. "I was tempted to watch a movie with boobies in it but I didn't" just doesn't have the pizzazz of "I am consistently invited to coke orgies but I don't go." The important element of the story here is imagined coke orgies.
Which brings us to Madison Cawthorn.
The congressman, having successfully pissed off every Republican in Washington, both the ones who go to coke orgies and the ones who don't — allegedly and allegedly! — had to have a little talk with House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy yesterday, and it did not go well. For one thing, he reportedly told McCarthy that all his stories about the hot hard GOP boner orgies and the "key bumps" of cocaine were "exaggerated" and/or "untrue."
Totally Untrue Stories: Madison Cawthorn Allegedly Overwhelmed By Washington Cocaine And Orgy Invites
And now you see why we told you the story of the testimonies. Madison Cawthorn, when he told that story, was on some wingnut podcast, speaking to his people, and we are guessing he just wanted to look cool, but also righteous. Which is how he came to tell us that he was invited to play peener games at Republican sex soirees, but that he didn't go to them. Got that? He gets invited, oh yeah, sexxxxxy evangelical temptation story, NSFW, fap fap fap. But he doesn't go! Because redeemed and sanctified by the Blood!
Note that we are not saying that no elected Republicans have ever participated in a casual coke orgy. We're just saying we doubted from the beginning that somebody invited Madison Cawthorn.
Sounds like Kevin McCarthy hates Madison as much as we do though:
NEWS: McCarthy says he told Madison Cawthorn during a meeting today that the freshman has lost his trust and he needs to take steps to turn his life around, or else there could be consequences. \n\nAlso says Cawthorn admitted his orgy & cocaine allegations were exaggerated/untrue.— Melanie Zanona (@Melanie Zanona) 1648665251
He's lost Kevin McCarthy's trust! He's gonna have to turn his life around! Out here telling everybody about coke orgies! Kevin McCarthy is not surprised, he is just disappointed.
According to Alayna Treene from Axios, McCarthy laid out "everything" he finds "unbecoming," which makes us wonder if they also had a talk about how naughty it is to take Vladimir Putin's side against Ukraine and call President Volodymyr Zelenskyy a "thug." Perhaps they discussed speeding and driving without a valid driver's license.
McCarthy reportedly said they might have to take more action against Cawthorn. Quite frankly, McCarthy sounds incredibly pissed, and is just suggesting young Madison maybe is not old enough to be a big boy who is in Congress.
Also, what the hell does Madison Cawthorn even think he saw?
McCarthy, asked if he wants to know the names of the individuals that Cawthorn suggested took part in the orgies and cocaine consumption, said Cawthorn told him: \n\nHe "thinks he saw maybe a staffer in a parking garage maybe 100 yards away and that he doesn't know what is."— Olivia Beavers (@Olivia Beavers) 1648665573
A staffer in a parking garage. Did the staffer say a curse word, Bible boy? Is that what made Cawthorn just naturally assume the staffer was en route to a coke orgy? Did Cawthorn think this was a Chick tract come to life?
Idiot.
So this all came about after, as we said, just about every Republican in Washington lost their shit at Cawthorn like RECEIPTS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, BUDDY. “I mean, he’s got a lot of members very upset," explained McCarthy. The House Freedom Caucus was mad. The GOP senators from North Carolina were just lightly suggesting that Cawthorn was a liar who was maybe not fit for office. Other random Republican congressmen were mad.
Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was like wait why aren't y'all mad about Matt Gaetz?
Not sure why Republicans are acting so shocked by Cawthorn\u2019s alleged revelations about their party.\n\nOne of their members is being investigated for sex trafficking a minor and they\u2019ve been pretty OK w/ that.\n\nThey issued more consequences to members who voted to impeach Trump.https://twitter.com/mkraju/status/1508944585036374016\u00a0\u2026— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez) 1648653234
Huh. Maybe for some of them this is a "The first rule of Republican potluck boner orgy is that you don't talk about Republican potluck boner orgy" sort of thing. Perhaps.
How could we possibly know?
If it ever comes out that large numbers of elected Republicans are having potluck boner orgies, we bet Kevin McCarthy will give them a real talking-to.
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