Gender dysphoria and good sex are not mutually exclusive. For many trans people, feelings of discomfort can be especially intense precisely when we are expected to show up as our most authentic and vulnerable selves. It doesn’t help that sex often requires interacting with anatomy that might be causing us distress at the time. Dirty talk can also be tricky because we have to find language that aligns with our understanding of our bodies — and then communicate those terms to our partners.
But sex can still be a source of pleasure and confidence. It might require some work — and some extra attention to your own needs — but dysphoria is often something that you can successfully navigate before, during, and after sex. them. connected with sex therapists, an erotica author, and an energy educator to learn more about how trans folks can deal with gender dysphoria during sex. Here are 11 of their most useful insights.
If someone tells you not to think about a polar bear, you’ll think about a polar bear. The same principle applies with gender dysphoria during sex. Trying to ignore dysphoric feelings altogether may actually exacerbate them. “A valid first instinct is to try to push it away — to view dysphoria as the enemy of great sex,” says Casey Tanner, sex therapist and owner of Queer Sex Therapy. “However, like most things we tell ourselves not to think about, we end up thinking about dysphoria even more.”
Alex Papale, a doctor of physical therapy, agrees: “I think it can be really easy to just want to figure out how to get rid of dysphoria — let me know if anyone [ever] figures that out — but I’ve personally found that working with it, versus pretending it doesn’t exist, can yield better results.”
At first, then, it’s best to pay attention to dysphoria. “Don’t disregard or ignore the feelings,” trans erotic author Mx. Nillin Lore advises. After you’ve gotten in touch with how you feel, you can work on mitigating dysphoria.
Because dysphoria is often impossible to eliminate altogether — perhaps especially in more intimate settings — it can help to focus on more affirming feelings. “I recommend intentionally shifting attention to a replacement thought, sensation, or object,” says Tanner. “A grounding thought might be a mantra such as ‘I radiate masculinity’ or ‘my anatomy does not determine my gender.’”