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Today I Fucked Up
r/tifu
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TIFU. I was looking for a suitcase my wife wanted to give my daughter and couldn't find it. Thinking it could have been put away in my son (15M) closet I went in to look for it.
I found 5 bottles full to the brim with orange/yellow liquid. Coke bottles and 8oz water bottles. I was trying to figure out what it could be. The thought of alcohol crossed my mind briefly but you couldn't pay this kid 100 dollars to take a single sip of beer.
I opened a bottle and smelled.
Pee. It was pee. Bottles FULL of piss in my kid's closet.
I called him down stairs and couldn't even find anything to say other than "What the fuck dude?!?"
TLDR: found bottles full of orange liquid in my son's closet. He's been pissing in bottles and not throwing them away.
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TL;DR my mom and sister tried getting me committed to a mental hospital to gain power of attorney, file a proxy divorce, and steal my wife’s money.
Some backstory: my wife was scheduled for a business trip so I decided that during her time away I would go visit my family. Since they live in the United States’ heart of methheadism: the great state of Okla-run&dontlookback-homa, I knew it would be a chaotic visit but had no idea what exactly was in store for me this time around.
After letting my mom know what dates I was coming for the visit, I started getting some weirder than normal texts.
Now usually texts from my family go something like this: “I read online that snorting hydrogen peroxide is good for your health” Or “We’re taking out a loan to buy a chateau because the jacuzzi we just bought doesn’t fit in the house.” Mind you, both of my parents are broke, refuse to apply for jobs, and are largely living off my siblings’ incomes.
But this time, I got a flurry of text messages accusing my wife of secretly abusing me. The reason these messages were so odd is that my family has known my wife for over ten years and she is literally the sweetest person ever. And ironically enough, my parents are the ones with the past history of abusing all of their kids. Verbally, emotionally, physically, and financially. And my angel of a wife has consistently loved and supported me through the ptsd aftermath of growing up with that kind of abuse.
So after reassuring my mom that my wife is still the same sweet, non-abusive person as always, she started going on about “secret knowledge” she had and wouldn’t tell me what it was. Finally I just chalked it up to her being bored and trying to start some sh*t for entertainment purposes.
So fast forward to the actual familial visit. Woke up exhausted and decided to treat myself to some coffee at a local coffee shop. The one I was going to was about a five mile drive from where my parents’ live. But I’d been so stressed out from the usual family arguments and gaslighting that highway hypnosis kicked in and I ended up half an hour away. Realizing I’d have to drive half an hour back, I went ahead and called my mom to let her know so she wouldn’t worry.
Shortly thereafter, my sister calls me. She goes on about how highway hypnosis proves I’m “unhinged” and “delusional.” She says I must have something wrong with my brain and need immediate medical attention at an ER. But not the closest ER to me—the closest ER to her (she lives two hours from my parents). She says I need to see Dr. X and have him sign paperwork to get me checked in to a mental ward for my own safety. When I tell her she’s overreacting and that I’m perfectly okay it was just me zoning out and going on autopilot for the drive, she tells me she and my mom have been noticing a worsening pattern in my cognitive behavior for awhile. I ask her what behavior and she won’t give me a clear answer.
Anyway, I get back to my parents’ house and go into their guest house to finish my coffee and send a few emails before fully starting the day. Except I hear a noise in my mom’s office (next to the room I’m staying in) so naturally I decide to check it out. Spoiler: it was my mom’s cat knocking down a folder full of papers from her desk.
Going to pick the papers up, something catches my eye: my name. On paper after paper, there was my name. On an involuntary civil commitment (needing a physician’s approval signature for indefinite commitment), power of attorney going to my mother upon my involuntary commitment, proxy divorce papers to be filed on my behalf against my wife, and written statements by my family that my wife had abused me and were therefore requesting annual alimony to be paid to my soon-to-be power of attorney for the remainder of my involuntary commitment.
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Before you say anything, I have no excuse other than being lazy as fuck and living alone. I spend half my time cooking my own meals and the other half ordering takeout. 1.5 months ago I cooked a glorious big meal, did not finish it and left the huge pot in the fridge.
2 weeks ago, I decided to semi clean the fridge and lo and behold, that meal has deteriorated in said fridge, the mold was now growing its own mold. Again people, I AM LAZY AS FUCK!!! So I cleaned, took the pot out and out in the sink. I kind of forgot about it again out of sheer laziness and the fact that I really did not want to clean it.
Fast forward to today, I need to study, and being a huge procrastinator atop of being lazy, I decided this is the perfect time to clean the kitchen, because why not? anything to stop the agonizing experience of opening a book. I went in, cleaned all the dishes and now came what I dreaded, THE BIG POT. Remember how I told you that I placed said pot in the sink? well it had a lid on and being the dumb ass I am, I was periodically doing the dishes next to it, small amounts of water was creeping into that horrendous abomination. I opened the lid and what do I find? a creamy black mold soupy whatever pit of hell it crawled out of texture. In Sheer panic, instead of throwing the thing in the nearest incinerator, I threw it out in the sink.
I would like to say, having spent hours elbow deep in what is now considered nuclear waste, I have learned several things, the first is when you try to place said waste in the toilet and it doesn't flush, you know you fucked up, the second I am now off food , I have been on a weight loss journey for months and this is perfect, I have decided to swear off food forever, I will live on water only. The third is I am a lazy fuck and will continue to be a lazy fuck. This won't be the last of me.
For reference, I am an almost 27 year old female. So No I am not an idiotic frat 18 year old boy, I should know better and I don't.
TL:DR I almost lost consciousness inhaling my own creation.
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This Saturday I ran the Gothenburg half-marathon "Göteborgsvarvet" in Sweden. Being a big lord of the rings fan, I ran it barefoot as an homage to Frodo and his gang. (I once tried walking across New Zealand barefoot but realized I had to put on shoes after some 140 km, still I walked big parts of the adventure hobbit-style. Point is I have toughened feet, or maybe I'm too stupid to feel pain correctly)
It was great fun - I got so much encouragement from the other runners and people watching! While I popped a real bad blood blister after some 14 km/9 miles, my feet held up pretty ok. When I after 1 hour and 47 minutes reached the home stretch, I had a wicked runner's high, and sped up.
"I can't let a damn barefoot guy beat me!" another runner said, and me being a person who acts before he thinks, started running as fast as I could towards the finish line - and straight into the back of another runner, basically just tackling her right at the finish line.
She was not happy about it, and I'll admit it made me feel almost as stupid as I am. The other guy said it was partly his fault, but you know.. it's not that hard to look ahead.
I had almost forgotten about it, until another runner sent me this picture of me running into her.
My feet are a-ok, but I'm still cringing about it.
TL:DR; Another runner didn't want a barefoot guy to beat him to the finish line at a half-marathon, we raced it out, I tackled a girl.
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Fuckup of the Week Winners
June 2019 | /u/Lemiius | TIFU by performing the "Major Tom" technique and now I think I'm going to be disowned
April 2019 | /u/Donthitsubmit3 | TIFU by submitting hardcore furry erotica instead of my final paper.
May 2019 | /u/Taway1234123491121 | TIFU: I have officially branded myself as the biggest perv... and I 100% deserve it...