How to Set Healthy Intentions for the New Year

It’s that time again. As the year ends, LGBTQ+ people are engaging in self-reflection and setting overly ambitious resolutions for ourselves, just like everyone else is doing. But maybe this New Year’s Eve, we can take a different approach.

Change can be a good thing — there’s not a queer person alive who doesn’t know that — but setting unattainable and unhealthy goals for ourselves is counterproductive. If we don’t take a measured approach to redefinition and reform, we end up forgetting that the journey matters just as much as reaching the goal. What good is a new habit or state of being if you’ve made yourself unhappy establishing it?

To that end, we spoke with mental health experts who specialize in LGBTQ+ issues to learn about the ways queer people can set healthy intentions on the brink of a new year — whether it be kicking a bad habit, setting stronger boundaries, trying something new, or going harder to capture a dream.

Above all, they advised, moderation is key. Here is their best advice for helping us break the cycle of broken resolutions as we try to be kinder to ourselves in the year ahead.

Families of origin can be a touchy subject for many LGBTQ+ people. Many of us experience rejection and isolation — or have our identities questioned, belittled and invalidated — when we are around relatives. This can be a source of trauma, especially in cases where there’s been a history of abuse or hurt from family members.

This is a timely issue, too: During end-of-year holidays, many LGBTQ+ people feel obligated or forced to encounter family members who have hurt them. Finding allies can help, as can setting personal boundaries, says Sue Cook, a psychotherapist and acupuncturist at the Mind Body Co-op who practices feminist and gender-affirming therapy.

“Whether it’s having a friend call you halfway during Christmas dinner or going for a walk with a family member that is on your side… sometimes all you can do is just try to get through it,” they told them.

These can be good strategies to take with you into the coming year. But sometimes, the best way to cope is to disengage altogether, says Matthew Lieser, a licensed clinical professional counselor and psychotherapist who operates a private practice in Chicago where he specializes in LGBTQ+ issues. 

Lieser advises clients experiencing familial rejection to “work on creating a support system” and focus “on the chosen family versus the family of origin.” These are wise words not just for navigating holiday festivities but for anyone reassessing and reevaluating their relationships as a new year begins.

It can be easy to get lured into some of the lifestyles brandishded all over Instagram and other social media, where exotic vacations, lavish brunches, and trendy outfits have become a currency all their own. But in reality, not everyone lives this way or has the ability to afford such opulence. Even so-called influencers are often only showing you a carefully curated highlights reel of their most glamorous experiences rather than acknowledging the mediocrity of their day-to-day routines. 

Lieser advises against setting any New Year’s intentions based on what you’ve seen on social media, because it may not prove to be within reach. Rather, Lieser says, it’s better to find comfort in the diversity of queer experiences, and to commit to being unapologetically yourself.

“That’s not necessarily going to meet some of the mainstream images or messages that we receive from family institutions, like churches, or even social media with some of those unachievable lifestyles that can leave us feeling inadequate or like we don't have a future for ourselves,” Lieser said.

For some, a new year is an opportunity to lean more into their true essence, be it wearing more clothing aligned with their preferred gender expression, or sharing more about their queer identity with the people in their lives. These are huge steps in one’s personal journey that cannot be undervalued — pivotal points in personal development. 

But Cook recommends not proceeding solo while easing more into one’s sense of self in the new year. Instead, they said, it’s important to reach out to support networks, such as free telehealth therapy services, the nearest LGBTQ+ community center (depending on geography), or even other people who may have gone through something similar before.

“When you’re working through your identity, it really helps to have somebody to talk to, whether it’s a therapist or a friend or somebody from the internet, whether it’s a chat room or online support group,” Cook said. “Just finding somebody to be part of a community with you, I think, is really important when it comes to getting ready to take those steps, so you don’t have to be alone.”

The journey toward doing something new may seem to depend on spending money – like having the funds to afford a new gym membership and personal training, or health insurance to cover therapy costs. Not having those resources can sometimes feel deflating and demoralizing, and may require you to reach out to community for aid.

However, Cook notes that it’s a good idea to search the internet for free or low-cost resources that may be able to help.

“There’s always something out there that is free. Joyn.co has free exercise videos and classes for bodies of all sizes and abilities. The Trevor Project has a 24-hour support hotline,” Cook said, noting that there’s a Trans Lifeline as well. “Don’t give up. Sometimes all it takes is finding the right resource that can connect you to the other ones you need.”

Whether it’s quitting cigarette smoking or reducing negative internal self-talk, setting an intention to kick a bad habit can be difficult, especially at first, because of the consistent behavioral changes required to achieve the goal. But being a perfectionist may harm rather than heal. Instead, focus on achievable and attainable goals, Cook says.

“Think about what your baseline is on a bad day,” Cook encouraged. “If you’re struggling with mental health problems, if you have chronic fatigue, if you have a pretty short attention span, set your intentions on a bad day.”

That way, Cook says, you’ll surpass your own expectations on a good day “and you can be really proud of yourself.” By contrast, they note that “if you set your intention on a day where, like, you magically had a lot of energy, or felt really good… then you may base everything on that or you might be chasing that forever.”

“You can always revise your expectations,” they added.

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Setting intentions is a process that ultimately begins within yourself, but it can be tempting to cave under external pressures instead of following your internal sense of what’s best. Both Cook and Lieser recommend being gentle with yourself along the way.

“I think a lot of times, people set these grandiose intentions or resolutions that don’t really come to fruition and then that leaves somebody feeling lower self-esteem or less capable, and that’s not the idea,” Lieser said. “Set a goal and to find meaning or purpose in the person you want to be, and then focus on how you are aligning your actions and behaviors towards that.”

“It’s so important to figure out what grounds you or what brings you home to who you truly are, and then try to stay there with your goals for the new year.”

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