This article mentions child sexual and physical abuse.
Last year, I found myself in a pandemic, living in the same apartment as my ex-fiancé who had just broken up with me. What I never expected from this hellish-sounding situation was that it would give me the space to stop objectifying myself as a sex toy and to discover my own pleasure.
Though I was pissed at my former partner for ending things that December, I’d agreed that he could stay until our lease expired because I didn’t feel like finding a new roommate to split the rent on our huge Brooklyn apartment during the winter.
One of the reasons that I’d fallen in love with him was that he celebrated me as much for my intellect as he did my body. I’d failed to fully appreciate this fact, because I was still trapped in a loop of valuing myself based solely upon how chiseled my abs were or how juicy my booty looked in running shorts.
As a gay, Black dancer, my queer identity had revolved around being sexy for most of my life — so much so that I’d disassociated every other aspect of who I was. Around my romantic partners, I was always performing some variation of the lustful tart persona that I grew up idolizing in my favorite film noir movies. Whether they were femme or homme fatales, I longed for their effortless sense of command through their sexuality. Whereas those characters captivated with their wit, I used my physical allure to dominate situations, because I didn’t trust that my personality was enough.
So when engaging with me, you either got “Juan Michael the artiste,” who spent hours at the rehearsal studio killing himself to jump higher and turn faster, or “Juan Michael the fuckboi,” who never caught feelings and left all the other fuckbois begging for more. Sometimes I let the people I slept with catch glimpses of the Juan Michael who cared about creating art, memorizing dialogue from comic books, and hiking mountains all over the world. But usually the voracious slut was all I wanted to offer. Maybe that’s all I thought I had to offer.
I’d learned to lead with that dynamic as a survivor of childhood physical abuse and rape. As a kid, I thought the sex I was having was consensual. And because it usually involved little pain, I told myself that it was better than the hurt I was experiencing at home. With that background, it made perfect sense that I became a dancer who was obsessed with captivating others with my body.
Moving to New York as a teenager in the early aughts, I hoped that things would get better. But instead of meeting guys with substantive personalities, I went through hordes of white men who fetishized my Blackness. “Can I get some hot chocolate?” I remember hearing; others called me a “walking set of cakes” or a “little Black whore.” Though I found their racial objectification hurtful, on a certain level I also felt flattered that they found me attractive. I accepted being the “flavor” that they wanted to consume with no consideration for what I actually wanted.
Eventually, I came up with an unofficial checklist that I ticked off on every date: 1) agreeing that we were both hot enough for each other, 2) acknowledging that we both had access to enough money to be financially independent of one another, 3) determining whether we were both sexually compatible, 4) preparing to fuck repeatedly until we got tired of each other. I soullessly repeated the cycle ad-infinitum.