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I was in a meeting today as the subject matter expert with men of all ages. I was the only women. After the meeting they all started saying โthank you gentlemenโ and โthis was a great meeting gentlemenโ until one of them remembered I am a women. He started to stumble through a โoh yeah, and ah and young lady of courseโ. It was so awkward and I hate how excluded I felt, like Iโm intruding on their club. I laughed along with them but I wanted to scream โitโs 2022, stop gendering shit that doesnโt need to beโ
Iโm 35 and have 10 years of technical experience. They were looking to me in the meeting as the one they needed to win over. I have been putting up with this type of shit since I started working. In my early 20โs I assumed it was because I was fresh out of school. I was really hoping that by now, I would feel more respected. No wonder engineering canโt keep women.
End rant. Thank you for being an outlet.
My wife is my best friend, and helped me become the proud feminist I consider myself today. There was no single event that radically shifted my worldview, but this happened recently enough, and has been ongoing since delivery apps offered a "Leave At My Door" option. We're quickly weening ourselves off of the apps as one of several measures we're taking to focus on our health and budget. :)
My name is more traditionally masculine, while my wife's name is traditionally feminine. Every time I placed an order from my account, requesting my order be left at my door, I received what I was asking for. My wife, however? It was subtle at first, but I started to pick up on the times a guy would knock on the door and hand her the food, smile, and leave. We checked her preferences, and it was just the same; Leave At My Door.
So I started answering the door when we were expecting a delivery from her account. This wasn't trying to be me "protecting my wife;" this was my wife who wasn't interested in acknowledging someone who might be looking to use that acknowledgement to invite themselves into her boundaries. I got to see a lot of surprised looks. With some drivers, I could watch their eyes looking around behind me, looking for a glimpse my wife. I would ask if it was for my wife's name, and they would politely hand it off. When we saw it was a man who was delivering our order, at its worst it was about 50/50 (and at our worst, we were ordering a lot of garbage!)
Now I'm just wondering what the exchange would've looked like if my wife had answered the door. I'm sure most of those men would be polite and professional... However, I don't think all of them would be so professional. I'm not necessarily worried that something physical would escalate, but I don't think it's unreasonable to worry about the delivery man making her uncomfortable. I've seen enough men try to initiate a conversation with women, and lash out when she didn't feel obligated to engage with him on a fucking whim.
Now, to be clear; if this were a problem we shared, I wouldn't be complaining about it on here, frustrated on her behalf because of treatment she hasn't received. I wouldn't be posting this if this also happened to me.
But it didn't.
When [Masculine Name]โข is the recipient, they've always done as instructed. Every time. When it came to my wife, not every delivery man disregarded her instructions, but all the people who disregarded her instructions have been men.
There's no satisfying conclusion to this post. I just wanted to post this and vent my frustration with men regarding my best friend as my lesser, and being completely incapable of changing it. Thanks for reading.
Edit: I really appreciate hearing everyone's stories, and the variety of experiences people have had with delivery drivers. I'm very happy to hear that some of you have never run into this problem, and I sincerely hope that streak never stops, and I'm terribly sorry to those who've dealt with worse; feeling unsafe in your home, even for a minute, can be devastating. Your home should feel like a sanctuary.
3It just irks me that they can't use the proper term. This isn't biology class so why are you using this term. It's also always in a negative context
I was having a conversation with an acquaintance about the violent riots in Sweden. He was excusing violence due to it being provoked. I then said, "What if your own girlfriend was getting on your nerves, would you hit her?". His response was, "If she taunted me I would slap her square in the cheek. You ask for something, you get it. You don't throw a match at gasoline and get surprised when it catches fire".
I was really surprised to discover that misogyny is rampant even in my own carefully vetted circle. How can you explain to someone that violence cannot be excused?
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