I believe this for one reason: it's the only explanation that accounts for their rationale for getting Russ, which was "he'll run the floor while LeBron sits."

This is fine...? if you're doing a load-management strategy with LeBron -- Russ can start the second night of back-to-backs, I guess -- but that still means that Russ is running the bench unit. First off, on what planet did they think that Russell Westbrook was going to be fine not being the centerpiece of the offense? Like, sure, he said all the right things, but he's Russ. He always has to be the hero of his story. I'd bet he truly believed that they were going to focus the offense around him and LeBron would change his game to suit his. Second, if you're looking for a second floor general, there are way better and way cheaper options than $100m of Westbrook.

My guess is that everyone was coked out of their minds and had those horrible Cocaine Ideas in the hot tub at like 2:37 AM and LeBron's eyes are red as hell and he says, "man, I wish I could play with Russ one day." And then Pelinka snorts a line off of Linda's tit and goes, "you wanna play with Russ? I'll get you Russ. I'll make one fucking call, I'll get you Russ." And then Jeanie pours herself another no-cal margarita and goes, "Ruuuuuuss! That'd be FUN. Wouldn't it be fun, Magic?" And Magic, stoned to the heavens, stares up at Jupiter shining bright in the southern California sky, and says, "Russell Westbrook is a very good basketball player."

"He could run the floor for you," says Kurt, wanting to feel useful. "When you need to rest, Russell Westbrook, why, he'd run the offense! He's like an offense unto himself!" Kurt's started using the phrase "unto himself" a lot more lately, no one's really sure why but it's just one of those Kurt things, I guess.

LeBron stares daggers at Pelinka. "Do it."

"You think I won't, pussy?"

"Do it or you're a bitch."

"I'll fucking do it, I'll fucking do it right now, I'll fucking give them Kuz and KCP, I don't give a FUCK."

"There's the phone."

"Fuck it, JEANIE, I'M FUCKING DOING IT!"

Jeanie was caught mid-sip. "Oh my god, cool! Yeah, do it! Russ! Yay!"

LeBron smiled, laid his head back, and transferred his consciousness to his third eye chakra. The plan is in motion.

The answer came quick over the astral sea. You have done well, my disciple, came the voice of Kyrie the Bodiless. You have done very, very well.