Found the internet!
Today I Fucked Up
r/tifu
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This is so stupid and it happened last night and I'm SURE we'll both laugh about eventually but husband is still kinda ticked... So I was being a trash goblin last night and staying up into the wee hours to eat easter candy and play video games, which I don't do that often. Anyway, does anyone else enjoy robins eggs? Those neon colored malted milk ball eggs they sell this time of year? Well, as a kid I used to do this stupid thing where I would lick them and smear the color all over my lips because hey, free lipstick! Do not ask what compelled me to do this, but i did this last night with a blue one. Then of course because I am a trash goblin i forgot all about it, fell asleep slack jawed upright on the couch with the lights on and TV still going. Next thing I know theres shouting, panicking sounds, and I'm being shaken violently, and by the time I come to I see my husband fumbling with his phone? I kind of... flapped my arms angrilly and said something like "whazwrongwitchyou?!" Yeah, he had been about to call 911 because he just walked out on his wife passed out with blue lips, he thought I was choking. He was pretty incensed when I told him it was candy, it's the dumbest thing I've ever had to explain in our whole marriage.
TL;DR: I accidentally did a candy coated immitation of the recently deceased causing my husband a panic attack and a near summoning of an ambulence.
EDIT- Didn't expect this to be so popular, thanks for the awards, and the discussions on different candy eating rituals! My husband has steadied his nerves and is now just ribbing me mercilessly- not just for scaring him senseless, but also because I've been training for a triathalon and eating really healthily, so this lapse was extra grotesque.
I, 23F, recently joined Bumble in the hopes of a rebound. I matched with a "26 year old" man who is incredibly handsome, likes me a lot, and is just in general perfect for me. Or so I thought. After exchanging numbers, chatting and getting to know each other quite a bit, even making plans to meet up in person, he finally decided to tell me he's actually 36. Mind you, he only told me that after I asked him if he's turning 27 this year or already turned 26. Who knows how long I would have believed he's only two or three years older than me if I didn't ask that question. I'm usually very open-minded. But I don't know how to feel about getting involved with someone more than a decade older than me. And the fact that he lied about his age is a red flag in and of itself. That will teach me for joining a dating app in the search for a rebound. I actually thought this guy might become more than a rebound.
TL;DR: I met a guy on Bumble who I believed was 26, and he didn't correct me, at least not immediately. Only much later, and after we bonded quite a bit, did I find out he's actually 36.
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I was in the 5th grade that day. It was a national day and they gave chocolate to everyone in the school. After eating the chocolates, we started to get thirsty and drink our water. Our teacher saw us and said, "If you drink too much water after eating chocolate, you will get diarrhea. Hahaha". So I took this seriously and didn't drink water after eating chocolate for 10 years.
10 years after, today I ate chocolate and, as usual, I decided to wait a while before drinking water. But this time it was different. This time my brain questioned this information for the first time. I googled that and there was no such thing. And I realized everything. I felt like my whole life was built on a lie. I was ashamed of myself.
It was just a poop joke.
TL;DR: I did not drink water after eating chocolate for 10 years because I took a poop joke seriously.
Throwaway because this is embarrassing
So I've been single since high school and have never been on a date nor hung out with a girl since then. I met this cute girl on Tinder and I think she liked me despite my awkwardness and had a good time chatting. She was just as awkward and nervous as well so I suggested a walk through a museum for next week.
Come next week and I go on the date, but had a full on erection for the whole 4 hours. I tried everything to hide it or mitigate it but nothing worked. We had a good time and were talking about bowling next week. Before we parted ways, I asked if I could give her a hug and gave her a quick one handed hug from a distance and parted ways. I noticed that she glanced down but it didn't dawn on me until I was in the car that my pants were wet with pre-cum. I was so embarrassed that I buried my face in my pillow for the entire day.
Now she wasn't good at texting beforehand but her job is very demanding so I understood. Now she barely texts back.
TL ; DR : Had an erection on the second date and now my date isn't as responsive anymore.
Just needed somewhere to vent this crap.
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Fuckup of the Week Winners
June 2019 | /u/Lemiius | TIFU by performing the "Major Tom" technique and now I think I'm going to be disowned
April 2019 | /u/Donthitsubmit3 | TIFU by submitting hardcore furry erotica instead of my final paper.
May 2019 | /u/Taway1234123491121 | TIFU: I have officially branded myself as the biggest perv... and I 100% deserve it...