Bible stories - in the language you know and love

The silence here is temporarily interrupted to let you enjoy something completely different.

It starts with one Shaul Reznik, who decided to refurbish several Tanach (Old Testament for some of you) stories, presenting them in the language of modern mass media headlines. Some of his readers joined the effort. This post will try to present the most worthy results (so far) in English.

[If you are offended, please go away. Quietly.]

A pensioner tries to kill his son for religious reasons.

Two cities in the south of the country suffered serious damage during shelling with fire and sulfur.

A family of sectarians drove a maid with a child into the desert.

Killing of a farmer: G-d suspects brother.

After marrying an immigrant, the Egyptian leader was diagnosed with urinary tract disease.

Two stone data carriers are broken, an elderly stutterer is suspected.

In the area of ​​the Dead Sea, two daughters got their father drunk and raped him.

The couple was kicked out of a nature reserve for eating fruit.

An Israeli scientist presented a technology of extracting water from a rock.

Amateur shipbuilder invests in creation of a unique zoo.

Children of a large family of religious fanatics decided to get rid of their brother by selling him to merchants of live goods.

The wife of a Sodom lawyer replenished the salt reserves of the city.

Bears gobbled up a group of teenagers.

A cloned woman fell prey to a snake.

UN protests: Israel destroys Palestinian buildings with advanced sonic weapons!

Shock! Another victim of the slander by a #Metoo activist. (In a candid interview with Zuleika, Potiphar discovers shocking details).

SENSATION! A local madman was swallowed by a whale.

Israeli bodybuilder brutally killed a rare predator.

Scandal in the royal family: intimate correspondence between the crown prince and his boyfriend was published.

The battle of psychics on Carmel ended with a stabbing.

The prisoner discovers paranormal abilities and receives an offer to take a high post.

Journalistic investigation: who is behind the string of climate anomalies in Egypt?

Ballistic examination: the world champion in power-lifting was killed by a shot from a slingshot.

Passion for quail meat led to mass poisoning in a nomadic tribe.

The effects of global warming: Red Sea has become catastrophically shallow in one day. Scientists are sounding the alarm!

Animal rights advocates are outraged by the increasing incidence of tearing of the mouths of lions in Palestine.

SHOCK! Donkey's jaw can be used to ...

Tons of counterfeit groats have been sprayed over the supposedly empty desert for decades. The investigation is ongoing.

Was there a boy? A senior citizen claims that he killed a ram on the mountain.

And more from the commenters:

A successful hair removal method invented by the king of Israel. Read the interview with Queen of Sheba about the results.

Elderly vegan destroys an expensive cultural symbol of veal lovers.

As a result of the disproportionate use of force, a building collapsed on pilgrims in Gaza.

Construction of the tallest skyscraper in the Middle East is suspended. Disagreements between unions are growing.

Prosecutor's office is investigating the scandalous affair of the Israeli leader with the wife of a general who died last year: the investigation revealed new facts.

Targeted assassination of a Palestinian field commander by the David's Sling system.

Medical phenomenon in a nomadic tribe. A woman gave birth at the age of 90 years.

A shepherd is wanted for an attempted coup.

In a village near Lake Tiberias, a group of unknown people burglarized a bakery. Police suspect a gang of so-called "Folk healer."

A young man marries two women through his father-in-law.

The elements claimed millions of lives, but a group of enthusiasts managed to save a zoo.

Abraham begat Isaac, Isaac begat Joseph. Feminists are furious!

The Shechem population is slaughtered as part of the #MeToo campaign.

The UN Human Rights Council condemned Israel for the killing of Egyptian soldiers in the Red Sea.

Etc. etc.

Unconditional surrender of an ex - male chauvinist

A reposting of an old one, inspired by this news:

It seems that gals letting their armpit hair grow wild and free wasn't liberating enough, so they have decided to up the ante by including one important feature: glitter.

Quite, so here is the old one, from the good old era of armpit hair liberation.

One of my pen-friends has sent me a link to this extraordinary poem, considering it to be funny. Indeed, the title - Ode to My Armpit Hair - could be, at first glance, considered funny and cause a few laughs here and there.

However, after a careful reading and analysis of the poem and some study of its author, Ms Kirsten Anderberg, mostly via her site, I have plunged into a long period of gloomy and nerve-wrecking deliberations upon the future of the world, focusing at the end on my own, generally insignificant and short, but still dear to me, future.

And I have made the choice, my dear fellow men and women. You, my friends, may consider me a quisling, but let me tell you - it is this way or re-education in uranium mines (or alfalfa fields or whatever plant the eco-feminists will consider fitting for feeding their men). But let me give you some background first, using the above mentioned poem. Starting with one of the last stanzas:

Who would I be shaving for?
Who benefits from it all?
Perhaps the purpose is to distract my energies
From facilitating patriarchy's fall!!

I hope it is clear that Kirsten's plan of felling patriarchy could not be thwarted. I, for one, will not stand in her way. Not after reading on her site:

And let me make it clear right now, they will have to kill me with a squadron of Blue Angels before they will ever take my son to fight their illegal wars.

(It is not the letter of the statement - after all, Blue Angels just don't have what it takes to kill someone, aside of themselves when something goes wrong with the plane and, besides, Blue Angels are not about war, but mostly about adventure and testosterone - oops... anyway, it is the spirit of this sentence that caused my hands to shake for a while.) Patriarchy will fall, it is already falling, and if you do not see it crumbling - too bad for you. I, personally, never had anything against matriarchy and am ready to submit to it and its tenets.

So, to show my loyalty to the cause, I can easily relate to this:

What does my armpit hair symbolize?
Why does it threaten you?
Shaven armpits that use deodorants get cancer more often
And corporations stink more than you!

While I cannot say that I have ever invested any time into comparative sniffing of corporations, I can easily agree with that statement. And no, the armpit hair has never threatened me personally, nor did I hear any of my friends complaining about receiving threats from one. As long as Kirsten promises not to attempt to strangle me with her armpit hair (after all, it must be quite long by now, see "I haven't shaved since '78 "), I am perfectly fine with it and promise even to take up braiding it for any matriarch that requests this service in the future.

And to hell with deodorants. Really. Just one humble request to Kirsten: please, oh please, do not sing that song* at me anymore!


Sincerely (and always) pro-feminist.
STG

(*) Update: I have copied that song from the K.A. site, after it has crashed my Firefox and my IE several times. Whether the following is related to this act or not, I don't know (click to enlarge):

After all, how many spam mails signed by this or other VIP does one get from very dubious sources? How can one be sire that this is an authentic Kirsten Anderberg?

But, assuming that it is authentic:

1. The letter should be taken seriously (see the reasons why above). I still hope to avoid the uranium mines and alfalfa fields, if at all possible.
2. The letter itself is a tit-for-tat replacement of the song, it's as screeching to the eyes as... you know.
3. It seems to be a sign that the song will be soon removed from the originating site as well and will not endanger the future generations of Pavarottis and Callas-es.
4. And that I should avoid aggressive-looking persons with overabundance of bodily hair for the near future (at least).

But boy, oh boy - one should be careful when a lady tell him she couldn't care less, because then...

Update 2: There is a worthy replacement to that forbidden song now, on Youtube no less, so here you go. Enjoy, but be carefull enough to hold your finger on the Stop button.

***

Caroline Cartwright, you are surrounded by perverts!

A British woman whose noisy sex sessions were officially branded anti-social behavior was warned Friday she would face jail if she fails to stop the excessively loud lovemaking. Caroline Cartwright, 48, was given an 8-week prison term suspended for 12 months, meaning if she engages in overly noisy coupling again in the next year she will immediately be put behind bars.

The news above can be interpreted in different ways. On one hand, is nobody's business what the lady does in the confines of her home. On the other hand, it definitely could be an issue of decibels... still, the sentence does look a bit too harsh.

One detail disclosed by the article, though, doesn't leave a shadow of a doubt:

At an earlier hearing the court was told that the local council set up special equipment in a neighbor's flat and recorded noise levels of 30-40 decibels, peaking at 47, as loud as a conversation in the same room.

Yes, Ms Cartwright - you are surrounded by nosy perverts indeed and have to move to a more relaxed environment.

Or pad your bedroom. Whatever.

Clocktower lovers utterly astound a German traveler

German traveller Dirk Gensler, who was staying at an adjacent backpacker hostel, was gobsmacked by what he saw when he peered out his window.

"Gobsmacked" means "utterly astounded", it's a Britishism still used by Aussies. And this is what made Mr Gensler's gob smacked:

Their identity is still a mystery but Sydney's clock tower lovebirds have become the toast of Broadway, with passersby capturing their intimate moment on video and mobile phone cameras.

I don't know. What with Sydney apartment rent and apartment purchase prices going through the roof (or through the clock tower, if you will), I am not surprised. At least the couple did it high enough and not on the sidewalk.

What rather surprises me is the shock experienced by the German guy. As far as I know, every town and village in Germany has more clock towers than you can shake a stick at. So what?

On the quality of apartment building in Stockholm

A couple who kept their whole apartment block awake with their non-stop love-making have won a case to halt their eviction.

I don't understand how this case brought to court the couple instead of the contractor who built the apartment house without appropriate acoustic insulation. You can imagine the quality of the building when the judges ruled that "It cannot be determined which flat was responsible for the noise..."

The other point that this article raises, albeit indirectly, is that some folks in Stockholm can't abide when someone else enjoys life.

And finally to this:

One disgruntled neighbour said:" Their screams of passion were so loud I could hear them three floors away. I don't think they were playing cards."

Surely the disgruntled complainant never played cards, not to speak about his lovemaking techniques. Bleh...

Brooke Magnanti aka Belle De Jour: so much more enjoyable

Realising she had no objection to having sex for money, she contacted an agency and worked as a prostitute from 2003 to late 2004 which she said was "so much more enjoyable" than her shifts in another job as a computer programmer.

I had some experience with the latter, none with the former. When a fellow blogger tells it from her own experience, I have to believe her. Pity the knowledge comes so late in my life.

Sun Meng: next time be better prepared!

A naked man who climbed out of a window and hid on the ledge to escape his lover's furious husband has been caught on camera.

Dear Sun,

In the spirit of fellowship, we, the men of Acme Climbing Equipment Inc, have passed a hat around and are sending you a backpack with the best climbing accessories the market has to offer (of course, ACE Inc is the source of the best).

Having your best interests in mind and to prevent frostbites, we have also added a pair of specialized woolen underwear (by ACE):


We implore you to carry the said backpack with you at all times, especially to bed.

With brotherly greetings

[Undersigned]

Huffing and Puffing over Arnie

First to preempt some overexcited commentators:

1. Am I a republican? Nah. Am I a democrat? Nah. Just an amused observer.
2. What do I think about use of four-letter words (English, of course, other languages use words of different lengths)? I strongly support such use where applicable*.

Now we can talk about the main subject: Huffington Post (who else?) got their knickers twisted because of a relatively benign use of a four letter word (starts with "f", ends with "k", its second letter being "u" and the third "c"). Here is a snapshot of that letter:

It's a simple ploy, actually: Arnie or his ghostwriter used acrostic** to convey a "fuck you" message to a Democrat who earlier heckled him ("you lie", "kiss my ass", etc) during the Governator's presentation to a Democratic convention.

So, what do I think about it? Both politicos behaved in a somewhat childish way, but I wonder whether locking the two up together to continue the debate in the same vein couldn't have resolved the whole brouhaha in a satisfactory way. Besides, it was entertaining. So kudos to Arnie.

(*) I have to quote here my beloved Jaroslav Hašek, from his eternal The Good Soldier Švejk:

People who cringe at strong expressions are just cowards who shy real life, such weaklings cause most harm to the culture and public morality. They would turn the people into the sentimental fellows, onanists of pseudo-culture of St. Aloisius type. Eustace the Monk in his book says that when St. Aloisius heard one person breaking wind, he burst into tears and was calmed only by a prayer.

Adding in the same regard:

Several years ago I read a review of a story. The critic was beside himself over the fact that the author wrote: "He blew and wiped his nose." This, according to him, runs counter to the aesthetic and the sublime that literature should bring to the people.

This is only one and not the most vivid example of the kind of morons that are born under the sun.

Yes, and speaking about the morons:

(**) It's curious that an outfit as powerful as HuffPost couldn't get to the term "acrostic". Hmm...

A no comments post

You are cordially invited to comment on this if you have guts for it:

A US woman scared a would-be burglar away from her home by "acting like a large dog", according to police.

It is your health, after all

"Trying to look innocent" - an offense in Australia?

Yep. This is what the story tells:

Officers said they found it loitering near a fence "trying to look innocent", reports the Northern Territory News.

And of course there is a stool pigeon involved:

Locals called out the police after the 7ft saltwater crocodile turned up at Arrkuluk Camp in the Northern Territory.

So, where is that famous presumption of innocence, I ask you? Isn't it a case of pure unadulterated speciism? Is it enough to be looking different and innocent now to be arrested?

I think a good reptilian lawyer - a lizard or, even better, a snake, will easily demolish the prosecution case.

Ford vs. Peugeot - 1:0

No, this is not one of these slightly photoshopped numbers. This is a real McCoy, according to this article:

According to what is known, the (female) driver that tried to exit her parking slot, went backwards by mistake and... [blah blah blah]. No one was hurt in the accident.

Unfortunately, the picture above is pixelated to hide the license numbers and the maker's logo on the top one is a bit smudged, but I am sure that it's a Ford and the bottom one is Peugeot. Which goes to prove the point.

Ehehe... I know it's pointless to mention that driving, talking on a cell phone and touching up one's makeup should be three activities separated in time... never mind.

Another victory for Airbus

The latest do on an Air India flight from United Arab Emirates to New Delhi served as a resounding slap on the face of all the doubters and detractors of the finest and most sophisticated Airbus products:

Air India said yesterday that it was investigating allegations of a mid-air brawl in which pilots and cabin crew exchanged blows in front of startled passengers. The fight broke out after a female attendant accused the pilots of sexually harassing her, it was claimed.

Notice that both the captain and the co-pilot where accused. This is what I call a real cockpit!

It started in the cockpit but spilled out into the galley of the plane as about 100 passengers looked on. It is thought the plane was travelling at 30,000 feet during the punch-up. The cockpit of the Airbus A-320 was left unmanned at one point, and one of the pilots threatened to divert the plane to Pakistan, the Times alleged.

And I have no doubt whatsoever that the plane would have made that side trip to Pakistan if it were necessary.

We hear that Air India and other airlines are considering a plan to equip the planes with detachable wooden chair legs, empty beer bottles, pots and pans of several kinds and other handy accessories to allow full participation for the passengers.

The dry bureaucratic term "cabin entertainment system" is getting a completely new meaning. Now the flight time will really fly!

Ris Low, a beauty queen, resigns after lingerie fraud - ?

I thought I will never be more confused by the intricacies of English than I already am. But this news item simply disabused me of this, obviously erroneous, notion.

Local media last week reported she was sentenced to two years of probation for stealing credit cards and spending $5,642 on lingerie, cell phones and meals at fancy restaurants.

So, when you steal a credit card and use it to purchase stuff, the kind of fraud (and, probably, the punishment) depends on what you purchase. Like in this case it's called lingerie fraud.

So, if I buy a car with a stolen card, it will be, probably, called automotive fraud. If it is a cell phone, it will be a mobile fraud? If it is sex, then, it will be a f... no, I cannot get my head around it, sorry.

Er... what?

That word behind the glass... it says "GIFTS".

Kudos to M.T.

Beware of cheap Chinese virginity-faking devices!

Pre-marital sex carries a strong social stigma in many Arab societies
A leading Egyptian scholar has demanded that people caught importing a female virginity-faking device into the country should face the death penalty.

More here. I have weighed the pros and the cons carefully and decided that, on the whole, the cons are winning at least by a head. No way I would be caught using one of these.

Pregnant woman impregnated again

Oh boy...

The Grovenburg babies may be a rare case of superfetation, or conceiving while pregnant, doctors said.

Superfetation, shmuperfetation - I say men should be indemnified against cases like this. Doubly, too...

Helicopter and explosives used in daring cash depot raid

This or similar headlines are peppering the front pages of on-line editions all over the Internet today.

Thieves using a helicopter and explosives staged an elaborately planned, early-morning raid on a cash depot in Stockholm, Sweden, making off with bags filled with money, police said Wednesday.

Frankly I fail to be excited by the news. So much so that I have taken the trouble to look up the helicopters in Wiki, and here is what Wiki says:

Although there is some uncertainty about the dates, sometime between 14 August and 29 September 1907, the Gyroplane No. 1 lifted its pilot up into the air about two feet (0.6 m) for a minute.

So, it is more than one hundred years since... And only now some mastermind came up with a brilliant idea to use it for a heist? Nah, come on.

Just a sec, there is a completely different angle to the story. After all, it happened in Sweden, and we have a major beef with the folks there. So, let me see, maybe I can redo that headline... here it comes:

More then 100 years after invention of helicopter, Swedes figured out a way to use it profitably!

And don't let me start going on about explosives...

Washing? At your own peril.

If you are going to take a shower, think again before this suicidal act:

Showering may be bad for your health, say US scientists, who have shown that dirty shower heads can deliver a face full of harmful bacteria. Tests revealed nearly a third of devices harbour significant levels of a bug that causes lung disease.

I think that humanity is at crossroads. And that we are, in fact, done with washing, because:

Hot tubs and spa pools carry a similar infection risk, according to the Health Protection Agency.

So, I have decided to quit this dangerous habit. I am still smoking, though, so it should mask the odor, at least partially, for a while. Anyway, it's better to smell like carrion than to be one.

I consider this outcome to be a full and unqualified victory of the British* anti-washing coalition, about which I have warned more than three years ago.

(*) Notice that "harbour" in the first quote. See what I mean?

Amitjo Kajla has a right to look pretty and even adorable!

Yes! We can!

A former prison officer who said she was forced out of her job after being bullied because she was pretty has won her case for unfair dismissal. Amitjo Kajla, 22, said she suffered the abuse at Brinsford Young Offenders' Institution near Wolverhampton.

Here she is (there is a truckload of her pictures out there):

Now the only remaining question is: how does a senior citizen get to do time in Brinsford Young Offenders' Institution?