Museum of Winds Opens

Experience the world’s iconic winds and breezes at Geraldton’s Museum of Winds.

Geraldton’s new Museum of Winds officially opens this week, a culmination of five years’ work and $280 million of Lotterywest funding. At the official press conference, MOW Patron Tim Winton, said visitors to the state of the art facility would be able to experience specially curated iconic winds and breezes from around the world, with the speeds, direction, humidity, and even the odours perfectly recreated.

“Phwoar, being asked what my favourite wind is, is like being asked which is your favourite child,” said Mr. Winton, “But yes, of course the Freo Doctor will be front and centre. Every afternoon, from 4:30, The Doctor will be piped in from the southwest vents, rich with ozone, bunker diesel and the tang of soggy chips. But I’ve surprised myself actually by falling in Love with The Mistral. It’s a cold wind from France, that brings the scent of vines and donkeys.”

Children will be “blown away”, literally, in the wind tunnel, where they can experience the highest wind speed ever recorded in Australia of 407kmh at Barrow Island.

“Visiting” winds in 2020 will include the Sirocco, and Canada’s Rocky Mountain Chinook.

Vagina Steaming to go on despite diarrhea outbreak.

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Bali’s famous Mist and Mountain View Retreat is under fire for refusing to refund prepaid vagina steaming sessions, despite most guests being affected by a violent diarrhea outbreak. Vagina steaming, popularised by Cate Blanchett is the resort’s most expensive treatment, with some international visitors having paid up to US$10,000 for two weeks of eight sessions a day. “They won’t even let us delay it,” claimed Swedish visitor Ebba Lindberg. “It’s completely outrageous. How can we be expected to steam our vaginas when most of us are on the toilet all day?”
A spokesperson for Mist View Retreat – who refused to be named, told The Asia Beat, “It doesn’t matter. We can steam the whole area.”

Steaming will go on vows clinic.

Dog movie “racist”.

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The shock casting of a German Shepherd dog to play a Chinese Shar-Pei in an upcoming movie has been labelled racist by Chinese and Western commentators alike. “Jaws of The Tong “, the story of Sao (Cao) Gou, 曹狗， the loyal hound of 19th Century San Francisco Tong boss Low Ket, is due to start production in mid 2018 with experienced canine actor Kingsley in the lead role.

Producer Kelly Wagner, who is also the daughter of Turner and Hooch producer the late Raymond Wagner, told The Asia Beat, “First and foremost we look for the acting qualities in a dog, not how wrinkly its skin is. Several Shar-Peis auditioned for the role, but we felt that Kingsley best embodied both the loyalty and ferocity of Sao Gou. I think my father would have supported the casting decision.”

Jackie Chan is quoted as saying, “Are we in the 1960s? It is inexcusable that a suitable Chinese breed could not be found to play the role. Even a Pekinese would have been preferable to this.”

Kingley to play Sao Gou

Liquid food blogger enrages Sing. Chef

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“Mushy Mushy”, the Asian food blogger, (real name Kimberly Li) has infuriated top Singapore chef Johnny Cho.

Li, who through a medical condition can only eat food in liquid form, travels with a blender, reducing meals to a paste or slurry, which she eats, then reviews on her popular blog.

Li described the liquefied version of Cho’s Shrimp Mince, Orange and Tomato Tart as “Like a stale prawn cracker milkshake.”

Cho immediately jumped online questioning Li’s ability to judge food – particularly multi textured dishes. “It’s completely outrageous. You can’t judge a dish like this. She’s an idiot. I tried to have her banned before. I thought I had stopped it all when I wouldn’t let her plug in her blender, but somehow she had a battery powered one made up with the motor from a leaf blower.” Cho’s first attack on Li was quickly removed, as the Chef had included almost a page of French obscenities (learned while he studied pastry in Switzerland apparently,), but copies are already circulating online. The redacted version still contained the phrase, “Mushy Mushy – Merde Merchant.”

The blogger responded to Cho’s criticism, saying “I didn’t need the solid version to tell that he’d completely burnt the garlic.”

Cho’s tart before and after.

Sushi Train Wreck

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Perth, Western Australia became the last jurisdiction in the world to to regulate the maximum speed of its sushi trains. A decades long fight for control between the Ministry of Transport and the Health department, has seen the city’s 80 sushi trains restricted to a plodding 0.02 kilometres per hour – sushi trains in Japan frequently exceed 25 kilometres per hour.

A spokesperson for the WA Health Department told The Asia Beat, “It’s absurd for the transport department to be involved. It’s a restaurant, not an actual train, and therefore should be under the control of Health.” Despite this, it is not certain that a move to the health portfolio would actually mean a deregulation of sushi train speeds. As late as last week the health department website was still advocating some kind of limit, albeit with a much brisker 5 kilometre per hour top speed. This is still 20kmh less that the fastest Japanese trains.

The transport minister Dean Nalder issued a statement. “Sushi trains are designated trains, and transport goods, and as such will continue to come under the transport portfolio. The government continues to support the current speed limit.”

Japan’s famous Super Wasabi “bullet” sushi train can reach speeds of 26.5 kmh.

Snake of the year spat turns nasty

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The fallout from the snake of the year scandal could threaten Australian Indian relations, with the Indian Consul General to Australia, Sunjay Sudhir labelling the Taipan a “bullshit snake”. The dumping of the Cobra which has been snake of the year five years in a row came after scientists pointed out that the term “cobra” covered a huge range of species, not just the one snake, making the award invalid.

India renominated the King Cobra, and it was widely believed that this snake would have the honour transferred as a formality. However the Presidium decided to hold a new vote, and in a shock move, Mozambique also nominated their famous Spitting Cobra.

With the Cobra voting block hopelessly split, Australia’s Coastal Taipan stolled in as an easy winner. Australian environment minister Greg Hunt told The Asia Beat that The King Cobra “Just didn’t have the numbers. End of Story.”

Coastal Taipan. Snake of The Year Photo; AllenMcC.

Aussie icon may cure sick

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A pylon at Western Australia’s Cottesloe beach is set to become “A Lourdes for the stomach” if claims by three tourists are true. One man, a Japanese national who only wanted to be identified as Hiroshi, claimed that touching the pylon – a short but challenging swim from the beach – cured his extreme diarrhea. “I touched it and immediately my intestines relaxed,” Hiroshi told The Asia Beat.

It would be easy to dismiss Hiroshi’s claims as pure coincidence, were it not that two Italian men also claimed that touching the pylon had relieved stomach cramps caused by eating half frozen Chiko Rolls and lamingtons (Australian delicacies.) Social media posts also seem to confirm the claims with many people saying that touching the pylon had relieved everything from “general queasiness” to “Gippy tummies”.

A spokeperson from Sir Charles Gairdner hospital where where Hiroshi and the Italian men were tested and confirmed to be gastrically healthy, said, “It would be better just not to eat that crap rather than rely on “Magic pylons”.

Sick tourists swim to the miracle pylon

Singapore admits, “National Service all about shooting Malaysians.”

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Asia’s worst kept defence secret is finally out in the open, as a senior official admitted to journalists that Singapore’s compulsory military service (NS) was really only concerned with “shooting Malaysians.” Chan Chun Sing, the island’s Second Minister for Defence, said in an interview ostensibly concerned with his role in the Family Development ministry, said, “National Service is all about serving a higher purpose. And that higher purpose is shooting Malaysians if necessary. Who else are we going to shoot? Germans? LOL*”

Relations between Singapore and Malaysia have traditionally been on a basis of mutual suspicion, reaching low points in 2010 when it was discovered in that groups of Malaysians had been urinating into Singapore’s drinking water imports for decades. Relations fell further that same year when Malaysia claim to have invented Singapore’s iconic drink the Singapore Sling.

A spokesperson for the Malaysian Defence ministry told the Asia Beat. “It’s not like we didn’t already know that.”

*Sing later claimed to have said “Lah” not “LOL”.

Asian firm sparks “wife beater” brawl.

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Bali: Indonesian clothing manufacturer Kemeja Basics has sparked a copyright war over use of the term “wife beater” for white sleeveless singlets. American firm Hanes which claims ownership of the term, has threatened Kemeja with a lawsuit over their new “Wife Harmer” range of singlets made for Indonesian beer firm Bintang. A spokesperson for Kemeja refused to comment to The Asia Beat, other than to issue a statement that, “Wife harming and wife beating can describe completely different activities.”

The Wife Harmer style singlets were still being sold in Bali as late as this morning.

“Wife Harmer” not “Wife Beater” claims firm.

Actors protest over MH370 delay

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KL. Dozens of Malaysian actors on standby for The MH 370 Air Crash Investigators episode, protested outside of The Malaysian Airlines head office. “We fully understand,” said Yayasan Artis 1 Malaysia (Malaysian Arts Organisation) spokesperson Datuk DJ Bob. “All these roles for veteran actors in an international production, and they’re all just waiting around. Some of them have had to turn down incontinence pad ads. Nobody’s getting paid! But they have to show patience.”

Malaysian Chinese actors who are set to play the bulk of the roles of “doomed passenger” and “worried relative” have been particularly hard hit.

Actors frustrated over search delays.