Counselling Blog

1. Other peoples’ expectations of you. At the end of the day, it’s your life not their life - so just be yourself and set,and go for, your own goals.

2. What other people say and do. It’s not up to us to control other people, or to change how they act, or to make their decisions.

3. Expecting perfection. It’s unrealistic to aim for perfection. You’ll just be disappointed and discouraged all the time.

4. Getting it wrong. We all make mistakes in our journey through this life. That’s simply part of learning, and being normal and human.

6. Fitting in. Although social skills matter, and it’s good to think of others, you also need to be yourself - a special, unique individual. Beware - conformity can kill individuality.

7. Being right. This is highly over-rated and can cause a lot of stress. If you’re confident and real you don’t need to prove you’re right!

8. Life being out of control. At the end of the day, there’s not much we can control – except our own reactions and our attitudes to problems. So change what you can – and then relax and enjoy life.

The following are associated with emotional abuse:

- Withholding love, affection and attention

- Ignoring, or refusing to communicate with, them

- Threatening the individual

- Abandoning, or threatening abandonment

- Fits of anger and rage

- Engaging in chronic deceit

- Criticizing, belittling, ridiculing or demeaning the individual

- Negatively labelling the person

- Controlling their life and ordering them around

- Minimizing their opinions, and ignoring the person’s wishes, needs and preferences

- Gaslighting, and denying the individual’s reality

- Isolating the person from their family and friends.

1. Instead of attacking yourself for how you feel, and demanding that you change, and “improve” who you are, be compassionate and caring and kind towards yourself.

2. Remind yourself this struggle is NOT something you chose. It’s something that’s unwanted, and is hard to fight against.

3. Don’t look to other people to help, and bolster, you. They also have their struggles, so their help is limited.

4. Our feelings are affected by a lot of different things – and that affects our thinking – so our thinking’s often wrong!

5. Feelings often hit us for no apparent reason – so if we’ll just be patient, we may find they’ll change again.

6. Remember you are loveable and truly valuable. Don’t listen to your feelings, and the lies you hear them speak.

7. Do something that distracts you – like some work or exercise – but don’t add too much pressure while you’re feeling low and weak.

1. Write down all the reasons why you think it’s bad for you to keep on being a part of this love relationship.

2. Call to mind the pain and the hurtful memories, and the times when you have wished that your heart was free again.

3. Identify and list all the different ways you’ve changed, and become less of your true self because of this relationship.

4. Remind yourself of all the things you’ve tried to make it work – and why it hasn’t really made a difference in the end.

5. Try to think about and celebrate the ways you’ll change if you choose to end things now, and can love somebody new.

6. Image being strong enough to make a lasting break, and doing what is best for you, and your future self.

7. Think of things you’ll do to fill the void it leaves behind – so you are not pulled back when you’re hit with loneliness.

1. Share your story with someone. Often it helps to put the sadness into words.

2. Try to detach and unplug for a while.

3. Respect your need for space, and a period of low stress.

4. Allow yourself to feel all the negative feelings.

5. Take care of your body and your physical needs.

6. Treat yourself with kindness.

7. Invest in good self care.

1. Make eye contact. Throw small glances and catch the eye of the person you’re interested in. Hold their gaze briefly, then smile and look away.

2. Smile at the person. To be most effective, smile slowly (rather than grinning widely), and crinkle your eyes. That kind of smile is more genuine and appealing.

3. Talk to them. You don’t have to commit to a full conversation but at least say “hello” and acknowledge their existence!

4. Initiate a conversation with them (one step on from point 3). Think of easy ways to get a conversation going. In many ways the topic isn’t so significant. You just want to talk to them, and try and pique their interest. General guidelines are … ask a neutral question; try and find some areas of common interest; gauge their response before showing more interest; and keep things light and impersonal.

5. Make use of body language. Non-verbal cues can say a lot more than the actual words you speak. Some pointers to remember include: maintain an open stance (don’t cross your arms or legs); turn your body toward them; casually touch them (for example, hold their hand to help you balance when you’re getting up from your seat.)

6. Compliment them (but don’t get too personal yet).

7. Keep your interactions brief. Scarcity creates demand. If you’re not always available it makes you more mysterious and more desirable.

It is often possible to manage anxiety by actively replacing irrational thoughts with more balanced and reasonable thoughts like the following:

1. I’m going to be OK. Sometimes my feelings are irrational and false. I’m just going to relax and take things easy. Everything is going to be fine.

2. Anxiety may feel bad but it isn’t dangerous. There’s nothing wrong with me. Everything is going to be OK.

3. Feelings come and feelings go. Right now I feel bad but I know this is only temporary. I’ve done it before so I can do it again.

4. This image in my head isn’t reasonable or rational. I need to change my thinking and focus my attention on something that’s healthier, and generally helps me to feel good about myself. For example _____________.

5. I’ve managed to interrupt and change these thoughts before – so I know I can do it again. The more I practise this, the easier it will become. Anxiety is a habit – and it’s a habit that I can break!

6. So what if I am anxious. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not going to kill me. I just need to take a few deep breaths and keep going.

7. Just take the next step. Just do the next thing.

8. Even if I have to put up with a period of anxiety, I’ll be glad that I did, and persevered, and succeeded.

9. I can feel anxious and still do a good job. The more I focus on the task at hand, the more my anxiety will ease, then disappear.

10. Anxiety doesn’t have a hold on me. It’s something I’m working on, and changing over time.

1. Try to figure out what is causing you to feel so awful, ashamed, or down.

2. Talk to someone you think will understand.

3. Identify and accept the feelings that you have (They’re not right or wrong … it’s simply how you feel right now.)

4. Express your feelings in a safe, non-threatening way.

5. Related to this, think of ways to manage them effectively so that you don’t feel quite so bad, and so completely overwhelmed.

6. Try to get some space, or a change of scenery.

7. Avoid being with people who demand too much from you (especially those who drain you emotionally.)

1) Encourage them to talk; ask them what’s on their mind - If you think your friend’s depressed or has something on their mind then ask if you can help, or something’s bothering them. And unless you get the feeling that they don’t want to talk, be persistent and keep asking in a gentle, caring way. This communicates the message that you genuinely care.

2) Give your full attention and listen carefully – If they’re brave enough to share what is on their mind, then give them the respect of listening carefully – without interrupting or offering them advice. Pay attention, focus on them, and try to understand the way they see their problems, and how that makes them feel. The only time you should speak is to clarify a point, or to ask open questions that will help them share some more.

3) Unless specifically requested, don’t offer them advice - Once you’ve got the general gist of what is happening with your friend, resist the temptation to offer them advice. This is often very hard as we usually want to help … but most people resent it as they just want to be heard.

4) Remember it’s all about them; it’s not about you – Often people want to somehow turn the conversation round to talking about them, and their own experiences. This is so annoying; it’s the worst thing you could do.

5) Be sensitive, respectful and non judgmental – Don’t react or seem shocked when they tell you something bad (like saying “OMG – I can’t believe you did that!”). And be tactful if you feel you must share something tough - as you honestly believe it would help to hear the truth. You don’t have to destroy them in your efforts to get real.

6) Nothing changes if we don’t do anything – Although it’s often helpful to unburden yourself if you just dump on others then nothing much will change. Thus, it’s important to encourage them to take some active steps. Don’t only be a crutch or a short term dumping ground.

1. Treat yourself the way you would treat a person who you loved, highly valued, and cared about.

2. Always love yourself – no matter what!

3. Only say positive, compassionate, understanding and affirming things about, and to, yourself.

4. Hold your own hand in tough and stressful times. Don’t abandon yourself, or let yourself down.

5. Respect yourself, and the efforts that you’re making to be a better person, and to change and to grow.

6. Understand your limitations, be patient with yourself. Accept that it takes time to master anything at all.

7. Be kind to yourself when you feel self-critical, or you want to be judgmental and hard on yourself.

1. Believing negative, unproductive and self-defeating thoughts. These include thoughts like “I could never … I’m not good enough to … I don’t deserve to … I’m useless at …”

2. Blaming others. It’s true that other people can have a huge affect on what happens to us, and where we are in life. But we give them too much power if we let them set our course, and see ourselves as victims, and act like we’ve no power.

3. Taking ourselves too seriously. It’s important to work hard and to have integrity – but we also have to laugh and enjoy ourselves as well. Also, decide to let things go, and put up with some mistakes. You’re not a perfect person and, the truth is - that’s OK!

4. Being afraid to take some risks or to live close to the edge. To have an interesting life you must leave your comfort zone and say “yes” to some new chances and opportunities. It will broaden your perspective, reduce anxiety, and provide you with new options and possibilities.

5. Being afraid of change. It doesn’t take much effort to stick with what you know. The unknown can seem daunting as we don’t know where that leads! But we grow as individuals and lead a richer life if we learn to accept changes, instead of being scared.