Ready salted crisps: what’s the f**king point?
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CRISPS are the best British foodstuff, but is there really any f**king point whatsoever to ready salted ones?
Five types of twat who are already back at the pub
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PUBS have barely reopened and here are the five types of twat who are already there, ruining it for everyone else.
UK’s remaining high street shop to reopen
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THE UK’s sole remaining high street shop that has not fallen into bankruptcy is to reopen today.
Nation in mourning has definitely not been watching Netflix
THE whole of the UK has spent the weekend mourning, watching documentaries about the Duke of Edinburgh, and certainly not watching Netflix.
Five places to hide if you’re not that into the Royal family
YOU don’t hate the Royals, but nor are you particularly interested. If so, here are some great places to avoid the blanket coverage for the next two weeks.
Pub, think men
MEN across the UK are living on autopilot this weekend while thinking only 'pub', they have confirmed.
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Accidentally staying up doing f**k all until 1am again: a guide
DO you often have good intentions of getting an early night and instead find yourself mindlessly scrolling through your phone at 1.27am? Here's how it happens.
Five social media posts that show you’re not getting any sex
IN a long-term relationship, trying not to think about how little sex you're having? Unfortunately, you're giving yourself away online.
‘You don’t take this shit seriously, do you?’ says style supplement editor
A SUNDAY paper style supplement editor has admitted she is just having a laugh and never expected anyone to go and buy mahogany sandals or a purple crushed velvet sofa.
‘Small human’ and other nicknames twats give their kids
YES, they are technically humans who are small, but it’s still a bloody stupid and twee thing to call kids. Here are the most annoying nicknames for children used by parents.
Five horror films that are laughable now
THEY terrified you as a child, but rewatching them you’re more likely to piss yourself laughing. These chillers have failed the test of time...
Maverick, and four other phrases arseholes use to describe themselves
UNFORTUNATE enough to meet someone who describes themselves using these phrases? Be aware they're basically just synonyms for 'total prick'.
Geordies march north to take Edinburgh while it’s dukeless
THE city of Newcastle has assembled an army to march north and annexe Edinburgh while it is dukeless and defenceless.
Prince Philip: A life spent not giving a bugger what you think
TODAY the UK is mourning Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, who has sadly passed on after 99 years not giving a bugger what anyone thinks about him.
Six people you’re not allowed to find attractive
ALL'S fair in love and war, right? No. Because if you fancy the wrong person you are a terrible individual or even a pervert. So under no circumstances fancy these people.
Five memes that need to die a slow, painful death
SICK of seeing jokes regurgitated on social media with diminishing returns? Watching these five memes meet a grisly end would put a smile on anyone’s face.
How I’d easily sort out Northern Ireland, by a Brexiter
RENEWED violence in Northern Ireland is a worrying development. Luckily Leave voter Roy Hobbs is here to offer his typically simplistic Brexiter solutions to the problem.
Shoddy parking, and other reasons your dad wants to bring back hanging
CAPITAL punishment was abolished in 1964, which was too soon, according to your dad. Here are some random irritations that make him long for the days of the hangman's noose.
Getting a mortgage, and four other things that will turn you into a Tory
IT’S said that people become more conservative as they age, but why does that happen? Here are some life events that will turn you from a radical young firebrand into a stuffy old Tory.
The sure-fire losers to back in the Grand National
PUTTING your once-a-year bet on, for a bit of fun? Here are the horses dead-on guaranteed to make the bookies money: