As the third week of self-isolation comes to an end, there are precisely two things on my mind: Animal Crossing: New Horizons and sex.

I haven’t seen another human in far too long, and honestly, I’m not afraid to admit I’m a *little* sexually attracted to the fictional cartoon raccoon that I am forever indebted to.

Maybe it’s because I recently went through a breakup, maybe it’s because I have not seen another man in the flesh in nearly a month. Who knows. But what I DO know is that Tom Nook could get it.

If you’re unfamiliar with the Animal Crossing franchise, then Google’s “People also ask” section really sums up Tom Nook for you.

Either a raccoon, or a man in a raccoon suit (which makes this slightly less bestiality-ish), Tom Nook is a capitalist villain who you are forever in debt to. He makes you do all his dirty work, we know pretty much nothing about him, and we worship him like a fucking god.

He is the overlord of your island in Animal Crossing, always on hand with a home loan offer or a suggestion about island life.

Daddy.

Naturally, as a sucker for a man in power, I am not ashamed to admit that Tom Nook is kinda hot. For the purpose of my fantasy, we’re going to assume Tom Nook is a human in a raccoon suit (a furry) and not an actual raccoon because I am not into bestiality. I repeat: I AM NOT INTO BESTIALITY. I swear.

But back to Tom Nook (aka Daddy):

  • He’s a man in power. HOT.
  • He gives me unconditional house loans, with no interest… ever. You can’t tell me you wouldn’t want to fuck your landlord if they did that for you. HOT x 2.
  • He would never ghost me, unlike many men in real life. HOT x 3.
  • The only other man on my island is a koala named Lyman who is kind of a cunt. Therefore, Tom Nook is hot by a process of elimination.
  • Not to mention, he is a stylish prince. The cardigan is a look. Don’t even get me started on the Hawaiian shirt. OOFT.

I have crunched the numbers here and by my calculations, Tom Nook is a certified babe. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, I just let Tom Nook enforce them (*cough* Daddy *cough*).

To justify the fact that I am not a weirdo with a strange sexual attraction to an animated raccoon landlord, I have compiled a list of other people on the internet who agree that Tom Nook could, in fact, get it.

I’m just saying what we’re all thinking here. Tom Nook is HOT. No, I will not be taking further questions at this time.

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Image: Animal Crossing: New Horizons