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I was but a child when I first saw a grown woman dressed as a boy and felt strange feelings that had nought to do with wire work.

This song was years in the making but took two minutes to write.

(Sandy, if you’re reading this, I’m a responsible adult and my feelings for you are respectful and chaste. I can’t speak for the 9-year-old beast inside me, but I’m deeply appreciative of the years you put into your entertainment career, and I hope you’re enjoying your retirement in happiness and good health.)

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘Dear Sandy Duncan’ by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘Lady D’Arbanville’ by Yusuf/Cat Stevens)

My dear Sandy Duncan
Why do I feel these feels?
How are you so elfin?
Are you for real, for real?
Are you for real, for real?

My dear Sandy Duncan
Go flying in your tights
Straight on until morning
Meet a wild boy tonight
A wild boy tonight

My dear Sandy Duncan
Your smile haunts my dreams
Surrounded by Muppets
Love bursting at the seams
Love bursting at the seams

My dear Sandy Duncan
You never brought us shame
You lived with the Hogans
Until they took your name
Until they took your name

My dear Sandy Duncan
Our Star Spangled Girl
The loveliest lady
In the entire world
In the entire world

La la la la la la
la la la la la la
La la la la la la
la la la la la la
la la la la la la

My dear Sandy Duncan
Why do I feel these feels?
How are you so elfin?
Are you for real, for real?
Are you for real, for real?

My dear Sandy Duncan
Come flying in your tights
Straight on until morning
Meet this wild boy tonight
This wild boy tonight

I love you, dear Sandy
Come flying in your tights
Straight on until morning
Meet this wild boy tonight
This wild boy tonight

–

Steve Austin was forced to do work as a secret agent and he clearly resented it, but the government would often remind him that he owed them 6 million dollars… after their plane fell out of the sky and they rebuilt him using experimental bionic parts.

That never made sense to me. The first thing I would do with my bionic right arm is punch a certain secret government agency right in the face before leaving a Steve-Austin-shaped hole in the wall.

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘The Six Million Dollar Man’ by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘The Edge of Reality’, as performed by Elvis Presley)

Oh I can hear Steve Austin running
Faster than humans can

He is the cyborg of the future
The Six Million Dollar Man

I heard them say
‘We can make him better,
Science says we can’

‘A better, stronger, faster Steven’
The Six Million Dollar Man

Oh the Six Million Dollar Man
He runs fast as autos can
And has a bionic right arm
Oh the Six Million Dollar Man
His butt has a turbo fan
His pants an electric alarm

‘Gentle-men, we can rebuild him.’
‘Atomic legs and hand’

And oh my lord, they just took his eyeball!
He’s the Six Million Dollar Man!!

Oh the Six Million Dollar Man
He crashed when it all began
Technology cost him his soul
Oh the Six Million Dollar Man
His brains are a custard flan
He woke up and lost all control

Oh Steve escaped from the lab at midnight
This wasn’t in the plan!

If he returns, he may destroy us
The Six Million Dollar Man!

–

Did you know that David Bowie wrote his own lyrics to this tune made famous in the English speaking world by Frank Sinatra (via lyrics by Paul Anka)? Great story. I won’t spoil it.

Bowie wrote about a fool who learns to love. My lyrics are about the blue crabs of Chesapeake Bay and their struggle with pollution or just getting ahead in life when they can only go sideways. I guess we each have different outlooks.

If you live near to Chesapeake Bay (or ANY watershed), here are 8 simple things you can do to restore the river and save the bay. If you like, you can also help the Chesapeake Bay Foundation maintain their mission toward a restored Bay, rivers, and streams for today and generations to come.

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘Sideways’ by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘My Way’, as performed by Frank Sinatra)

And now
The bay is near
To crisis point
One thing is certain

My friends
The waters clear
When folks take care
And throw less dirt in

To live a life that’s full
We need our bay
To be more OK

We cry
I’ll tell you why
I’ll tell you
sideways

Phosphorus
And nitrogen
And algae blooms
And microplastics
We need
Solutions now
Both incremental
And somewhat drastic

And why
I hear you cry
Why should I care
About a mere bay
And I
I will reply
I live there
Side
ways

For I’m a crab!
I’m sure you knew
And I’m delicious
In soup
or in stew
They eat me straight
Out of my shell
But if you do
not cook me well
You will be seized
With lung disease
And you’ll go sideways!

And now
That it’s low tide
If you sit still
You may just meet us
But please
I’ll ask you once
And oh so nicely
Maybe don’t eat us
For we’re
No mere entrees
We are the blue crabs
Of Ches-a-peake Bay
We do
Do things like you
But do them
Sideways

For I’m a crab
What have I got?
My life ahead
And that is a lot
But I can’t see
And cannot reach
What lies before
Us on the beach
It’s just not fair
Trash everywhere
And it’s all
Sideways

–

I want to be clear that Patton Oswalt is to blame for this: he totally started it with this joke about Marjorie Taylor Greene’s belief in a Jewish conspiracy to ignite forest fires with an orbital laser.

Shit I’m gonna be muttering, “Jewish Space Laser” to the tune of “Paperback Writer” all weekend.

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 29, 2021

The only way to get an ear-worm out of your head is to sing the song to its conclusion… so first, I had to write the song. And now here we are. Patton, please think about these things before you say words out loud on Twitter, please and thank you.

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘Jewish Space Laser’ by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘Paperback Writer’ by The Beatles)

(Jewish Space Laser)

In low Earth orbit
Is a satellite
It can start forest wildfires
Day or night
You don’t start fires with a Men-or-ah
Or the Ark of the Covenant
You have to use a Jewish Space Laser
Jewish Space Laser!

It’s a sci-fi chapter of The Protocols
And a sure-fire way for us to take control
They caught us interfering with election mail
So we lit up the candidates
We hit them with our blazing stargazer
Jewish Space Laser!
(Jewish Space Laser!)

In a thousand years, give or take a few
We’ll be taking over, yes we do mean you
We didn’t stutter, we just globalised
And the proof’s in orbit
You just have to see our Jewish Space Laser
Jewish Space Laser!

Beware of liars, they will take your rights
They will hijack democracy overnight
You don’t ignore right-wing coup attempts
Even if they’re crazy
And believe in things
like Jewish Space Lasers
Jewish Space Lasers!

Jewish Space Laser
(Donald Trump: loser!)

Jewish Space Laser
(Donald Trump: loser!)

Jewish Space Laser
(Donald Trump: loser!)

–

A classic ‘it fell out of the side of my head’ song. I heard the words ‘The A-Team’ sung to ‘The Love Boat’ in my head for reasons I struggle to explain, and a few minutes later this song existed.

And now it is yours to enjoy. Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – The Love Boat Theme (The A-Team version) by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘The Love Boat’ by Charles Fox and Paul Williams)

War
There’s no war any more
Just an endless chase
Towards friendly shores

Where
Face
Won’t face any pain
B.A. won’t have to fly
Murdock won’t be insane

The A-Team
Hannibal’s hatching another plan
The A-Team
Somewhere they’re
sticking it
to the man

Four bold soldiers of fortune,
A mercenary team for hire

Their
Guns
Won’t hurt anyone
They will flip your jeep
It won’t harm you none

But love
They will kill you with
Loooooove

–

Jim Henson was a genius; his gentle soul spoke to us through both Kermit the frog and Rowlf the dog, and this song is about the moment when Rowlf and Kermit first met, and aspiring to be all you can be in a lovely shade of green*.

(*There’s a metaphor involved here: please do not rush out and join The Army.)

These lyrics began as a soulless and silly little ditty about tadpoles, but from the moment I pictured Rowlf sat behind a piano in a swamp singing to Kermit, the song grew a heart all by itself, and told me a new story about how The Dog met The Frog.

ALL of that was inspired by Jim Henson, his beautiful soul, and his lifetime mission to educate us in joy. Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘Amphibians’ by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘Piano Man’ by Billy Joel)

It’s nine o’clock at The Lily Pad
Regular crowd’s hoppin’ in
An irregular bought my usual
I’m a dog,
he’s a frog,
and that’s gin

He says ‘Rowlf, can you pound out a note or two?’
I’m not really sure what that means

I escaped from the pound
It was bringing me down
When humans were controlling me

(Oh)
Da da da de de da
Da da de de da
da da

We ache for legs
Like amphibians
Growing, by painful degrees
But then what could be worse
Can be learned here, in verse:
It’s to give up, and never be free

See, Kermit the frog
is a friend of mine
He gets me my gigs for free
And he’s not very big
and his girlfriend’s a pig
And there’s someplace that he’d rather be.

He said ‘Rowlf, I believe this is killing me’
As the smile ran away from his hand
‘Well I’m sure that I could host The Muppet Show,’
‘If you would join Animal’s band’

(Oh)
Da da da de de da
Da da de de da
da da

Now Robin is a frog and a relative
A tadpole but who really cares
If he thinks that it’s child’s play
Does everything halfway
He’ll always be stuck on those stairs

When that frog in your throat screams for destiny
You must croak with the pondlife or shout
So let’s lay out our tongues
Or come cough up a lung
And turn all your guts inside out

(twinkle instrumental)

It’s a pretty good crowd, for a sewer day
And the old frog he gives me a smile
From the end of a rainbow
Like a fried green tomato
We sit and get legless awhile

And the swampland it sounds like a carnival
And the water, it smells like faeces
But they leap from their pads
And they’re all really glad
Just to be an amphibian species

We ache for legs
Like amphibians
Growing, by painful degrees
But what would be wrong
As you’ll learn from this song
Is to give up, and never be free

–

This song is about evolution, it is designed to educate all ages, and so I have twinned it with a sequence from a famous educational animation that you can see in full here. Said animation was released in 1971, and so was being produced in the same year I was, which I think is a nice touch.

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘Darwin Again’ by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘You Win Again’ by The Bee Gees)

I couldn’t figure out
Why you went and gave me these
new mutated genes

Didn’t know you’d let me
hand them down
To my babies

Find out
everybody grows
according to their scene

I’m surprised my kind are still around

One day I’m gonna have to make another
That looks and sounds like me
They gotta be a little different, though
Characteristically

It’s not right
You can’t fight
This battle of life you see

Darwin again!
So over time
we do nothing but compete

There’s new life
on earth
New qualities
see me through

Darwin again!
Some never try
But if anybody can, we can

So I’ll win
Survivin’
Much longer than you!

Oh girl
New world
Babies!
A species from now on

I’m gonna
outlive my ancestors
one by one

I’m gonna conquer
and divide
Spread my gene pool
far and wide

Nobody stops
biology
breaking through

You better beware
I swear
I’m gonna
rise above my peers

It’s really strange
to remain unchanged
for eighteen million years!

It’s not right
You can’t fight
This battle of life you see

Darwin again!
So over time
we do nothing but compete

There’s new life
on earth
New qualities
see me through

Darwin again!
Some never try
But if anybody can, we can

So I’ll win
Survivin’
Longer than you!

(New world)

Darwin again!
So over time
we do nothing but compete

There’s new life
on earth
New qualities
see me through

Darwin again!
Some never try
But if anybody can, we can

Darwin again!
So over time
we do nothing but compete

There’s new life
on earth
New qualities
see me through

Darwin again!
Some never try
But if anybody can, we can

–

This song is based on the conflict between The Beatles during the recording of the album ‘Let It Be’, and is sung according to the melody of the title song. It tells a tale of people losing sight of each other in a sea of correspondence and contracts from the POV of a man of peace struggling to find it. It can also teach you almost all of the alphabet!

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘Letter B’, by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘Let It Be’ by The Beatles)

When I find myself in Times New Roman
reading all your guarantees
The font of words of wisdom
Letter B

The quick brown fox is jumping over
lazy dogs and ‘crazy’ me
Your character’s in question
Letter B

If you know
Your ABCs
Won’t you come
And sing with me
‘Did you read my letters?’ Letter B

So let me spell it out in my way
very characteristically:
Yes, I read your letters
Letter B

I’m showing you I read your letters
very effing thoroughly
Each and every letter
Letter B

Letter B
Letter C
Letter D
Letter E
F, G, H, I, J-K-L
M-N-O, P
Q, R, S
T, U, V
W
X, Y and Z
A song about an A-hole
Letter B

(instrumental)

And when I read your letters
I can ignore where we disagree
Because I read the letters
Letter B

It doesn’t take a doctorate
or associate or law degree
I always read your letters
‘Letter B’

Letter B
Letter C
Letter D
Letter E
F, G, H, I, J-K-L
M-N-O, P
Q, R, S
T, U, V
W
X, Y and Z
A song about an A-hole
Letter B

Letter B
Letter C
Letter D
Letter E
F, G, H, I, J-K-L
M-N-O, P
Q, R, S
T, U, V
W
X, Y and Z
Yes, I read your letters! Thoroughly.

I read your letters
eff
ing
thu
roh
lee

–

We’re all racing through time, most of us only go in one direction, and none of us want to do it alone.

This tells the love story of Doc Brown and Clara Clayton from Back to the Future III, but if you study the lyrics and know the original movie Back to the Future, you will immediately recognise that this song is also about the friendship between Doc Brown and Marty McFly, and that moment right before they captured lightning to send Marty back to the future. Well, *a* future, but that’s another story.

Full lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS: ‘Back to the Future’ version of ‘Time in a Bottle’, by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘Time in a Bottle’ by Jim Croce)

If I could control flux capacity
The first thing that I’d like to do

Is to travel through time
In DeLoreans designed
Not for roads
But for me, and for you

If I could go back to the future
Or maybe exist ’til next week

I’d say every way
I could think of ‘I love you’
If only we had time to speak

But it’s ten o clock
you hear the chimes
It’s here and now
we race through time
as partners

You need to find
that special friend
Who’ll stick around
until the end
for starters

For I’ve got a gigawatt of wishes
Bursting to live and come true

I’d break through dimensions
and risk time collapsing
Just to travel
through more time with you

But it’s ten o clock
you hear the chimes
It’s here and now
we race through time
as partners

You need to find
that special friend
Who’ll stick around
until the end
for starters

–

File this song under ‘as approved by Mary Steenburgen’. Damn right I’m proud.

I love this! Fantastic lyrics and who doesn’t love Jim Croce! Also loved the b&w. RT @bloggerheads: Dear @DocBrownLloyd & @MarySteenburgen,

I made a love song based on your characters in Back to the Future.

I have a feeling about you two…#BTTF https://t.co/8czSRXtxOc

— Mary Steenburgen (@MarySteenburgen) January 11, 2021

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