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This happened about 15 minutes ago. I have been trying to adhere to my new year's resolution. The other day was leg day and I have been super soar. The only massage device I have access to is my SO's personal massager. I took the device out of the storage container and put it on the bed to massage my thighs. While looking at the other toys, I remembered that the last time we used the other toys I couldn't find the proper toy soap, and subsequently the toys were washed with hand soap and warm water. I thought I should clean them properly. I left them on a towel to dry in the bathroom. I then used the personal massager on myself and left it out on the bed. Well today we were getting a quote from a contactor on fixing some stuff around the house. We talk with him and sign a contract. He then says I need to take some measurements. I am sitting with my child watching cartoons while he is taking measurements. I realize as he is in the back of the house that I left my SO's toys out. I look down the hall and sure enough he is in my bedroom, so there is no way to quickly remediate the situation. I try to hold back my laughter, while telling my SO that I need to tell her something when we are alone. I walk her to the bedroom and she sees the massager on the bed. She laughs and says that is not a big deal. I walk her to the bathroom and she starts laughing extremely hard, but she is super embarrassed and somewhat mad with me. I say I should post this to TIFU, and she says that she will only forgive me if this post get 5,000 upvotes. Please help a stupid man thank you reddit.
TLDR: Left my SO's sex toys out in plainview while a contractor was taking measurements of the house.
Edit: My SO is not going to leave me over this. We have a kid. I have done stupider shit and she has stuck with me. She is going to hold this over me, but in a playful/make fun of me sort of way. I included the upvotes comment because that is what she said. I don't care if you upvote or not. Just a funny story.
24Obligatory this didn't happen today, it was about 10 years ago when I was 19. So I had a friend that was a pretty shady guy but a good friend nonetheless, we'd known each other all through high school, we sorta went our separate ways after graduation but would occasionally call just to check in or go to a party together.
So one day he calls me out of the blue and he says "hey man I'm in a tight spot do you have a onion I can buy real quick" I look in the fridge and say "yea I've got 4 how many do you need?" he says "damn bro I didn't know you had it like that, I need one for now but might need more later how much you gonna charge me" I tell him just give me a dollar and he gets super excited like "hell yea man you've always been a good friend bro" he says he'll be there in 30 minutes and we hang up.
Of course I'm thinking why tf is he so excited about a fucking onion... Whatever maybe he's making meatloaf and forgot to buy onions. So he pulls up 30 minutes later and I go outside with the onion in my hand feeling pretty good about helping my friend out. He flips tf out like "WTF IS THIS!! ARE YOU TRYNA RIP ME OFF!! ARE YOU A FUCKING FED!! I'm standing there confused as fuck" bro you said you wanted a damn onion what's the problem" at that point I think he realized what was happening and says "fuck you bro you wasting my time" and speeds off.
Still in a state of shock I go in the house thinking maybe he want a different type of onion than the one I had. I call my dad and explain the weirdness of what just happened he laughs for a good 10 minutes straight TURNS OUT a "onion" is a unit of measurement for cocaine and "a dollar" in that context means a hundred dollars which is way below the market value. Who knew? Never talked to or heard from him again (he's in prison now)
Anyway there must be something about my demeanor that screams drug dealer because all throughout my adult life people have just assumed I had drugs for sale, especially at parties but sometimes just randomly on the street. It's weird af but I've just gotten used to it at this point. I remember some really old guy when I was 11-12yo telling me I'd make a good drug dealer something about his seriousness and tone made it seem almost like a prophecy and it stuck with me.
Tldr: my drug dealing friend wanted to buy an onion, he meant drugs I thought he meant an actual onion.
EDIT: so to answer a few questions...
My dad knew because of he grew up in the projects of LA he has MS now so he's not dealing or buying but he certainly did in his younger days.. According to him up until I was around 5 years old.
Onion = ounce
Apparently most people have either never heard it used in that context or use it for an ounce of weed, maybe he meant that idk.
I was scrolling through instagram stories and a friend of mine (whom I haven't seen in a about 7 months) shared a picture of herself holding a newborn baby at a hospital. In this picture she was wearing a shirt that was high sleeved and fairly tight around the mid section so you could see her shape fairly well. Now compared to the last time I had seen her she looked like she had lost a significant amount of weight and I almost didn't recognize her. I immediately clicked on the message bar at the bottom of the post and typed "WOW! You've lost so much weight since I last saw you. It's like you shed an entire person's worth of weight haha"
Then I went to her next story post.....
In the next picture was her with that same baby except the baby was about a year old now and she looked very much like she did (weight wise) when I last saw her. Feeling confused I scrolled back to the first picture and realized something tiny in the top right corner: "TBT"
Turns out the first picture was less than a year ago and the second picture was TODAY. I basically told this girl that she had GAINED AN ENTIRE PERSON'S WORTH OF WEIGHT SINCE THIS BABY WAS BORN.
IT'S NOT EVEN THURSDAY WHY THE FUCK?!
TL;DR I commented on a girl's picture complementing her on her weight loss not realizing the picture was a throwback.
This actually happened in early 2019, but it is still a really awful story that I still think about from time-to-time as one of my biggest social blunders ever.
At the time, I worked full-time but there were some part-time workers there who were only there on Thursday and Friday. One of the part-time workers was a properly really bitchy British punk girl. She had a HUGE attitude, and was always moaning and whining and answering back to her supervisor, often in a very crass manner. She was very direct and never held back. If she wasn't happy about something, boy did she let you and everyone else in the room know.
One time, she was telling us this long story about an encounter she had with a guy in a nightclub. She mentioned all the alcohol and drugs she was on that night, and then she said that the guy at the club had basically implied she was fat. She concluded the story with "I fucking clocked that motherfucker right round 'is fucking face, and the fucking expression he made, like, it was fucking priceless, the cunt had no fucking clue what 'it 'im!"
As she told the story, everyone around her started laughing and saying "Yes, girl!" and that kind of stuff. I then said "Was he fat himself?"
Except.... that's what I MEANT to say.
Two extra words slipped out at the end of the sentence. I have no idea why or where these extra words came from. I didn't conjure them in my head.... but my mouth just said them out loud.
What I actually said was.... Was he fat himself as well?
I have NO IDEA WHERE the "as well" came from. She was thin as a rake!
As soon as I finished that sentence, I quickly put my hand to my mouth, as if I could somehow unsay the words that had just slipped out. Suddenly, she gave me the biggest death glare I have ever seen. If looks could kill, the whole room... heck the whole BUILDING would have died at that exact moment. So much ice, hatred and contempt surged through her face. She slowly came up to me and it felt like the grim reaper herself was approaching me. "What the fuck do you mean "as well"?!"
I realized I could be 2 seconds away from becoming the next motherfucker that could be clocked right round 'is face. The next cunt who wouldn't know what 'it 'im.
So I (21F) have a 2007 Jeep Liberty, great car, zippy lil thing to say the least, not very many bells or whistles but it’ll get you from point A to point B comfortably. Since it’s a 14 year old car of course it requires maintenance as well as the few fender benders it’s been in through the past five years of me owning it but this time I didn’t do a great job on the maintenance. So the engine light was on It had a cylinder 4 misfire so I changed my spark plugs and that wasn’t it, then changed the fuel injectors which was the issue however right after my dad and I “fixed” it, we didn’t let it run long enough to make sure it was done properly, a few hours later I run to the store and smell gasoline,, obviously this is a big issue, I had made it to the store and parked, popped my hood and sure enough gas was spewing out. The moment I fucked was when I looked over my (running) engine with my long 35inch hair down, turns out gasoline wasn’t the only thing spewing out by the end of this conundrum. I realize my hair is tangled meaning my hair got caught so I go to turn the engine off and get back out of the car and realize there’s blood everywhere, it was from a 6inch gash from the blunt force of my head hitting the engine. 10 staples, 2 stitches, a concussion, a bald patch, and one helluva story.
TL;DR looked over my car engine with my long hair down, hair got caught in engine pulled my head down and got a 6 inch gash in my head, got 10 staples and 2 stitches.
On mobile so sorry for any formatting errors
My toe started to really hurt whenever there was pressure on it, and I didn’t know what it was. I checked it and realised my toenail grew and pushed into the skin. I grabbed the cutter things and trimmed it, but now it hurts more. I looked at it again a couple of hours later, and there was a greenish scab where I trimmed it. I thought to myself ‘ok, final bit’ and grabbed some tweezers to take the scab off as that was causing it more pain. The result was horrifying in my eyes. A lighter green liquid started to ooze out of my toe, and mainly due to having seen the stuff before, I knew what it was...
Pus. My toe had somehow been infected with some kind of bacteria, and now it hits when I put socks on, put shoes on, or trip over said shoes. I now wear slippers any time I need to use my feet, and that usually minimises the pain.
So yeah. That’s the story of how I ignored pain in my toe and regretted it later.
For those of you that I know want to ask: No I will not show you my toe as it hurts for me to look at it, I don’t know why some people like that stuff.
TL;DR ignored toe pain, couldn’t ignore infection in toe
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Fuckup of the Week Winners
June 2019 | /u/Lemiius | TIFU by performing the "Major Tom" technique and now I think I'm going to be disowned
April 2019 | /u/Donthitsubmit3 | TIFU by submitting hardcore furry erotica instead of my final paper.
May 2019 | /u/Taway1234123491121 | TIFU: I have officially branded myself as the biggest perv... and I 100% deserve it...