I told you, NOBODY knows more about national security than me, folks! So safe! #MAGA - @FantasticPOTUS

THE PRESIDENT: OK, I got nothing against the homos. If I did, would I have used Liberace as my decorator? He took one look at my Trump Tower condo and said, "Giiiiirl, I'm going to whomp this wasteland up 'til she looks like a Persian prostitute won the lottery!"...

Here we go, folks! Secretery Betsy DeVos will RAM change down stupid @USedgov’s throat to Make Educasion Great Again! #MEGA - @FantasticPOTUS ###

POTUS: My job is to make every asthmatic brat on earth gasp & wheeze & wish they’d never been born such pathetic rejects! #ParisAccord

THE PRESIDENT: Who needs healthcare, education, the arts, or diplomacy, when we can stuff all that money down the gullets of corporate military contractors, like when L'il Donnie makes homemade foie gras with the Mar-a-Lago geese? (That stuff is so classy and...

“White House employees know they are to pimp only the full-price Trump merchandise,” Chief of Staff Reince Priebus reiterated in a statement to the press.

POTUS welcomes bids fond farewell to carefully vetted, 1000% LOYAL Tony Scaramucci to WHITEHOUSE.ORG. So great to be have briefly been working with a life-long fan! ??? ###  

THE PRESIDENT: GREAT NEWS about the BIGLY $ettlement for Melania! So let that be a lesson to any lousy website that can’t afford to pay the KGB to bury any proof that my hotwife allegedly worked the breadlines of Slovenia as a hooker! Believe me folks, nobody knows...

THE PRESIDENT: On ethics reform, as part of my plan to "Drain the Swamp" so we can frack the shit out of it, I will immediately release my tax returns, eliminate all conflicts of interest, and liquidate my foreign holdings. (PAUSE) OK, I’m fucking with you. Again....

Obamacare Horror Stories Submit Yours! THE PRESIDENT: Folks, it doesn't matter if Ryancare a.k.a. "The American Healthcare Act" went down in flames. Going forward - just out of spite - my entire strategy is to let Obamacare EXPLODE - no matter how many people end up...