THE PRESIDENT: On the Trans-Pacific Partnership, I will do what I do with all “TP” – flush it! And tell all those trannie pacifists they’ll NEVER pee in the wrong bathroom at the TRUMP White House. #MAGA
HUGE TRADE Deals
An America-Only ENERGY Plan
THE PRESIDENT: On energy, I will stop supporting sissy stuff like wind and solar and rainbows and all that liberal hippy-dippy spiral-dancer earth-lover bullshit, and go back to a future where huge, dick-like smokestacks belch out thick, beautiful GOLDEN clouds of...
Abortion Rights WRONGS
THE PRESIDENT: I never really cared about abortion – beyond demanding receipts before cutting the reimbursement checks…
Making Our Military HUGE Again
THE PRESIDENT: Who needs healthcare, education, the arts, or diplomacy, when we can stuff all that money down the gullets of corporate military contractors, like when L'il Donnie makes homemade foie gras with the Mar-a-Lago geese? (That stuff is so classy and...
HUGE TRADE Deals
THE PRESIDENT: On the Trans-Pacific Partnership, I will do what I do with all “TP” – flush it! And tell all those trannie pacifists they’ll NEVER pee in the wrong bathroom at the TRUMP White House. #MAGA #PolicyByTweet: We need to go back to saying the words...
America-Only LGBTQ Stuff
THE PRESIDENT: OK, I got nothing against the homos. If I did, would I have used Liberace as my decorator? He took one look at my Trump Tower condo and said, "Giiiiirl, I'm going to whomp this wasteland up 'til she looks like a Persian prostitute won the lottery!"...
America-Only RELIGIOUS FREEDOM
America is all about freedom – to be a Christian. And freedom to shit on losers the Bible tells you to hate because they aren’t Jesus groupies like you!
America-Only IMMIGRATION
THE PRESIDENT: On immigration, we’re gonna get rid of immigration; we’re gonna have immiGREATion. It will be so great. I don’t know how yet, but believe me. There may be no fresh produce in your grocery store, but that’s a small price to pay for never having to press...
That So-Called “Race” Stuff
My base thinks it’s hilarious I’m calling them “thugs” –a word that everyone knows is code for “horny urban negro.”
DRAINING THE SWAMP
THE PRESIDENT: On ethics reform, as part of my plan to "Drain the Swamp" so we can frack the shit out of it, I will immediately release my tax returns, eliminate all conflicts of interest, and liquidate my foreign holdings. (PAUSE) OK, I’m fucking with you. Again....
USA-ONLY FOREIGN POLICY
THE PRESIDENT: For too long, America has been the world’s nice, rich uncle, handing out candy, winks and presents — but getting nothing in return except a couple fingers barely under the Underoos. No more! Starting now, America is the world’s cranky grandpa in the...