This is awesome! Hopefully, she’ll use your pronouns more and more. (Also, congrats on asking her to use different pronouns. Like you said, it took time but you did it!)

-Mod Zay

First, I (mod Zay) would like to say I did not leave womanhood. I was forced to present and act feminine but that doesn’t make me a woman. I was called a woman but that doesn’t make me one.

I never identified as a woman so I couldn’t have “left” but even if I did, gender isn’t set in stone. It can change and gender has different meanings between people. 

I would recommend research. These are some examples to start with.

Is gender a social construct?  More (TW: TERF mention, transphobia)

Q and A about what being transgender means 

What not to say to a trans person (TW: transphobia) 

How to have a conversation with trans and nonbinary people (TW: transphobia) 

What’s deadnaming?

Misgendering (TW: transphobia) 

How can I be more inclusive of everyone’s pronouns?

Is being transgender a mental illness?

Gender, gender roles, stereotypes, how to use the word transgender

Trevor project survey (TW: transphobia, homophobia, abuse, suicide, conversion therapy)

Tips and ideas

If you have a question, there are a ton of resources on the internet. Straight for Equality is an organization created by PFLAG for allies they have a huge list of resources and they have a section for trans allies. Out and Equal is an organization for workplace equality with resources and guides. You can also look at international or local organizations. They may have more resources. Try your library, too. There are books that could be helpful.

If you have a transphobic thought, try to challenge it. 

Follow trans and nonbinary people on social media. You could follow anyone, they don’t have to be famous.

-Mod Zay

And I never really thought deeply about that, I was in my own world. I don’t really tesonate with my agav as much anymore, but I certainly don’t resonate with the ‘opposite’ and I can’t tell if I’m less uncomfortable with labels from my agab since that’s what I’m used to or if that’s just what I am. I didn’t have many signs (there were some, but they were small and could be easily cis too) and I worry I’m just projecting this onto myself what do you think? 🐍 2/2

You don’t have to know immediately if you’re trans/nonbinary. It’s different for everyone. Realizing later in life or longer after learning about trans or nonbinary identities, doesn’t effect whether or not someone is nonbinary or transgender. I (mod Zay) did not realize I was trans and nonbinary until I was almost an adult.

If one of the signs is not wanting surgery/hormones, this doesn’t invalidate how you feel. More 

Some trans and nonbinary people have dysphoria and some people don’t. Dysphoria can help some people find an identity but for others it makes it more confusing. If you can, look for euphoria in your life, too. 

Am I nonbinary or do I not like gender roles? 

You could try looking at how your gender feels. 

What pronouns should I use? 

Am I trans or nonbinary or both? 

Gender Unicorn (a way to visually see basic aspects of gender) 

Gender Playbook

I know questioning gender is uncomfortable and it feels “weird” (at least to me) but, let yourself question. If you can, just let yourself think and use the resources but don’t overwhelm yourself.

If you want to identify as trans or nonbinary and you don’t have a “reason”, go for it. Experiment with your gender and you might find something that works better for you. 

-Mod Zay

My question is, how do trans people see sex? Like, an NB afab person that hasn’t gone through transitioning is still biologically female?

I label myself X. I feel dysphoric calling myself ‘female’ or 'male’. Some people use their agab sex marker and some people don’t.

-Mod Zay

You can absolutely use all gendered words to describe yourself! I don’t think it’s you not caring, it’s more that you found what works the best for you and what makes you the most comfortable. 

The phrase “not participating” in gender is actually genius! I know it sounds like a joke but if this is how it feels for you, this is a great way to describe it.

I am unsure if you are asking for advice looking for a label of not. If you were not, please ignore this and I apologize. 

You could use the phrase you came up with or another word. (This is a good list with the origins)

-Mod Zay

Here are some resources just for understanding how dysphoria effects you

Indirect symptoms of dysphoria

Dysphoria myths

Body positivity and dysphoria

Is my dysphoria normal?

Dysphoria only after finding an identity

Some resources for ideas on how to work with the dysphoria

Sleep

You could keep a sleep journal

Guided meditation for sleep/relaxation

Sleep hygiene

Tips for when you can’t sleep

General sleep ideas

What time should I go to bed?

Tricks you may not think of

Even more ideas

Dysphoria related nightmares

Wearing a binder or sports bra to bed Wearing a swimming binder                Wearing a bindor or sports bra for over 8 hours Wearing two bras

Tucking over night The reason

What can you wear to sleep in (bra)? (packer)?

Everyday things

Going to the bathroom

Taking a shower

General ideas

Read a book

Watch a movie

Read about an LGBT+ person around the world

Body neutrality

More tips

8 things nonbinary people need to know

Nonbinary affirmations

I understand how it’s hard to find euphoria. It’ll probably take trial and error to find what works for you but don’t be discouraged, you’ll find it. Here’s some ideas:

• Change up your wardrobe. Thrift stores and online sales can be a great place to find new clothes on a budget. If you are interested, here are some gender neutral brands
• Try makeup or jewlery. Fenty Beauty Milk Makeup Glossier (all gender neutral)
• Decorate your skin/hair. I used to paint my arms and hands because they made me dysphoric but you could use markers instead. You could also just pick flowers and stick them in your hair or tie it with a ribbon.
• Make a Pintrest account of anything. (You can even make it private!)
• Try things that you know you’ll like but you’re scared to do. (Not something that is harmful)
• Take selfies!
• Read some feel-good letters. 1 2 3 4 5

General mental health

• Here are 16 resources for before you see a therapist
• Links and resources for almost anything
• Self care 
• What do you ask in a therapist consultation?
• Free self-led program
• Super Better- an program for anyone who just wants to improve their mental health
• Psychology Today is a website where you can narrow down what therapist you would like by a ton of filters

Do you need to talk to someone about anything?

• TransLifeline is a phone peer support system directing trans people to trained trans volunteers
• TrevorLifeline, TrevorChat, TrevorText are support systems to help LGBT+ youth between 13 and 24.
• TrevorSpace is a forum where you can talk to other people (13-24) and talk about almost anything

-Mod Zay

Estrogen

Microdosing Estrogen

Timeline of effects and list of risks

Visual timeline (by me)

Fertility

Susan’s Place Transgender Resources Wiki (estrogen)

PDF estrogen guide

Personal experience with estrogen

Medical stuff about estrogen

Estrogen and shoulders

Anti-adrogens long term

What’s progesterone?

Pictures before and during HRT

Where do you get HRT?

Breastfeeding

International Standards of Care (HRT starts on p. 33) TW: transmedicalization

This resource talks about presentation, estrogen, and other topics that may be helpful

It’s okay to be scared, it’s a big decision. Some things that I tried to bring the level of fear down:

• Listing the pros and cons caused by HRT
• Talk it out with someone
• Read stories about people who have taken HRT
• Read about it from multiple perspectives (not transphobic people, just people who have chosen or not chosen to use estrogen)
• Allow yourself to take a break. If you are doing something that is making you focus on how nervous you are, just walk away take a breath and go back
• Look up the requirements for HRT in your country with the thought, I’m just looking, I don’t have to use this information today
• Schedule an appointment with an endocrinologist to just talk, not to necessarily start it that day
• Write down every worrying thought you have about HRT. For example, I wrote down ‘it won’t do anything’ and ‘my pets will hate me’. Then, ask yourself if they are realistic and true. (The answer for both of the previous thoughts are ‘no’)
• Affirmations

If you try to be feminine, you aren’t going to lose what makes up yourself. I think if you wear what you want, it affects how you feel. If you want to wear a bra and feminine clothes, you may feel better about yourself (even if the fear is still there). It may take time to get used to the feeling, movement, or look because you changed something about yourself that was the same for a period of time.

-Mod Zay

No problem! My thought is that it is not identifying as a man or woman 24/7. This does not mean anyone has to label their identity with a percentage or time stamp.

A nonbinary person can use any pronouns they feel fits them, examples here.

Some nonbinary people feel very strongly that they aren’t their agab and some nonbinary people don’t. Both are still nonbinary! (There aren’t any “rules” for a person to identify as nonbinary.)

This article explains why 10 common myths about nonbinary people are false (that were not talked about here). 

9 young nonbinary people explain what nonbinary means (here)

-Mod Zay

No problem!

Can a straight person be demi/asexual?

Can someone be demisexual/asexual and straight? Sure! People can be sex-favorable, sex-indifferent, sex-repulsed or a combination. Explained more here. 

Or if you mean can someone be demisexual/asexual + heteroromantic, absolutely! Explained more here.

can I ever be happy with someone? (bcz someone were rude to me for calling myself straight & not under lgbtq+ & wanting a partner/marriage in future)

You can absolutely be happy in a relationship! Here’s an interview from an asexual woman in a relationship. 

You don’t have to consider yourself LGBT+ but demisexuality/asexuality is included in the LGBT+ community. If you wanted to call yourself LGBT+ you could, but you don’t have to.

-Mod Zay

I would say that not every agender person is able to/chooses to remove themself entirely from the idea of a gender binary. I think most people are aware of some form of gender binary, whether they place themself on it is a different story. 

(Image ID: In grey across the top reads “The Gender Spectrum” underneath is a circle with a gradient of pink on the left side, purple on top, blue on the right side, and white on the bottom. Above the circle reads “NONBINARY, to the right reads “MASCULINE” to the left reads “FEMININE” and underneath reads “AGENDER”. In the bottom right corner says “tyef” and underneath “transyouthequality.org”. End ID)

So if you still consider yourself a part of the gender binary, that’s okay. It doesn’t make you any less agender. Trying to distance yourself from this is difficult, especially when you’re learning more about it in school.

The last part of your ask seems complicated. (”how can i, someone who battles female socialization constantly, truly b agender?”) Do you identify as agender? If you answered yes, you’re truly agender! If you answered maybe or partially, that doesn’t mean you aren’t. You could be truly agender sometimes or truly agender along with something else.

Basically, there isn’t one way to be truly agender. All you have to do is be you.

Here are some blogs on Tumblr that might lead you to more resources

• @a-gender (agender positivity/resources)
• @agenderchat (connecting with community)
• @agenderhelp (genderqueer-focused)
• @agenderootd (agender clothing/selfie)
• @hellyeahagender (agender ask-based)

-Mod Zay

You’re the only one who knows for sure what you’re feeling. The most important thing to do is to trust yourself and your judgement.

I’d like to make a correction to part of the ask. Non-cis people can be happy. I like to think I’m happy because I’m trans and nonbinary, not despite it. Sometimes being transgender can be tough (dysphoria, other people, etc) but there is love and beauty in being trans.

Here are some specific reasons trans people feel happy.

Some things to keep in mind when considering your gender:

• Don’t rush yourself
• You don’t have to have one label (you can have less or more)
• It’s okay to use a label even if you don’t know for a fact you identify as that label
• If a label makes you uncomfortable, it may not be the right one for you

Here are some questions you could ask yourself to try to dig deeper about your own gender:

1. “How do I feel about my gender right now?”
2. “How do I think about my gender in the past/future?”
3. “What is the reason I think I am not trans or nonbinary?”
4. “Do I have a gut feeling telling me I’m not cisgender?”
5. “How do I feel about my gender as of right now?”
6. “Do I like being referred to/seen as a trans or nonbinary person?
7. “Do I have feelings of euphoria related to being trans or nonbinary?”
8. “Am I worried the feeling of being trans or nonbinary will stop?”
9. “Am I worried I will HAVE TO identify as my agab?”

Outside resources:

a gender unicorn

an interactive guide

the Gender Quest Workbook

FAQ

Pronoun Dressing Room

The Gender Playbook

Nonbinary Flowchart

GenderWiki

List of coined genders

Trans101

Trans people don’t have to want to medically/hormonally transition

Interviews with transgender and gender nonconforming seniors

Do you need someone to talk to? Ally Moms, The Gender Affirming Letter Accesses Project, TrevorLifeline + TrevorChat + TrevorText, TrevorSpace

-Mod Zay

You can definitely have two names. If your depends on your gender, it completely makes sense that you would have two names. I think there’s a couple ways to go about asking people to use your names and how to navigate it. 

You could have two necklaces where one says “Eli” and the other “Ellie”, like this. Or bracelets. Or pins. Or you could just have two different colored bracelets, pins, or necklaces where one color is “Eli” and the other is “Ellie”. Or you could just tell them day to day.

When you tell your friends you use two names, you could do this in a letter, text, phone call, in person, or any other way. Before you talk to them, determine what you want to tell them. Some things to consider:

• How will they know what name you are using?
• They will most likely ask why you use two names, so you may want to prepare a response.
• Do your pronouns change with your name or are they the same 24/7?
• Are your pronouns the same as they were before?
• Who do you not want to know about your two names? (Parents, family, teachers, other friends, etc)
• This is a step by step guide
• Examples of letters

I can tell you, people do use two names in real life. If people are not used to others with two names, you could provide them resources. 1  2  3  4  5

-Mod Zay

You can be nonbinary and not want surgery! There aren’t any “requirements” to be nonbinary. If you identify as nonbinary, you can be nonbinary! You are allowed (in fact, encouraged) to love your body. Including parts that are associated with agab.

Friend, you are not faking. It’s difficult to deal with disliking parts of your body, though. If you wanted some ideas to deal with the negative associations, you could check out this post. 

If you want to talk through how you feel, you could always talk to:

TrevorChat TrevorLifeline TrevorText    TrevorSpace     Sage    GenderSpectrum

TransLifeline

(Side note: This response is written by a nonbinary person who doesn’t want lower surgery.)

-Mod Zay

It would most likely be easier to put your agab on the form but (depending on the person), it would be easier to put nonbinary. You could ask yourself some questions to try to determine what is best.

1. How difficult would it be if your parents did find out?

2. Do you have a support system if you were accidentally outed?

3. Is this a legal document? (Some require agab gender markers, depending on the country or state.)

4. Can you describe how you would feel if you were to use your agab? What about if you were to use nonbinary?

5. Think about the realistic outcome of both scenarios. How do you feel? What are the pros and cons of both?

Whether or not you write nonbinary on the form, it doesn’t deny your identity.

-Mod Zay

I am not 100% certain what the answer is but based on the sites below, I think the answer is yes.

1  2  3

Keli Dunham is a genderqueer woman/nonbinary transmasc butch comedian, writer, and nurse from America

Ivan E. Coyote is a nonbinary butch writer from Canada

Corey Alexander was a genderqueer, queer, trans, stone butch, demiromantic, demigraysexual author

Sonalee Rashatwar is a soft butch enby social worker from America

-Mod Zay