Growing up, I had always been friends with just as many girls as guys, and I never found that strange or unusual. My mindset at the time was to like people for who they are, not whether they were male or female. As I grew older, I became very close to one of my friends, and I started to look at her in a new light. The way her eyes lit up with she smiled, how she was so determined and strong-willed, and her amazing sense of humor. I could gaze at her for hours and never get tired, and when our hands brushed it sent my heart fluttering. It was around that time that I was exposed to a new concept, “lesbian”, that took me by surprise. Here was something that gave backing to my feelings, yet when I brought it up to my Muslim mother, she was quick to tell me that although we should respect everyone equally, being anything other than straight was strictly forbidden in Islam.
I accepted that, however, I couldn’t stop myself from wondering. I couldn’t be lesbian, right? I’d gotten crushes on guys before too. In fact, thinking about my previous crushes, I had never consciously thought about gender. It was something meaningless, just another tag to identify someone, and had no impact on me. As time went on, I found myself just as attracted to any gender, and as much as I tried to ignore those feelings, they were most definitely there.
In around the beginning of 2016, I came out to my parents as bisexual. I will never forget the horrified expression on my mother’s face and the tears that had welled up in her eyes. However, instead of yelling at me or telling me I was going to hell, she sat down with me and put her hand on my shoulder and told me it was alright. She said she would always love me no matter what, but I had to hide my feelings and never let anyone else know. It was my little secret, and I was okay with that.
To this day, I’m still in the closet when it comes to anyone outside my family, although I now identify as pansexual (gender-blind). I like people for who they are, not whether they’re male, female, or neither. Why should appearance or genitalia make such a huge difference when it comes to love? I believed that Allah wouldn’t create a person just to send them to hell. If he made me this way, it must be for a reason. If a Muslim should not alter his looks because Allah has created them perfectly the way He intended them to look, why should I change my sexuality?
Despite this outlook I have, I have not yet come out to the public (or even my closest friends) for fear of rejection, discrimination, or losing the people I care most about. And perhaps I’m wrong, and not being straight is a sin, but as long as I am alive I will not hate who I am. I have one life to live, and I’m not going to let my love for people interfere with my love for Allah.
I am a proud pansexual Muslim teen, and this is my story.