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We’re one night into the experiment and, yes, Jules and Cam have been married for a decade and have four children now.

The profound success of their match, however, is a strong indication that the experts have used up all their good luck far too quickly, and are now on an over-confident path leading only to disappointment.

Their first victim is 26-year-old Jessika, a part-time model who is sick of being treated like an accessory because she’s so beautiful and omg same.

John matches her, for reasons that are never made clear, with farmer Mick, Channel Nine's budget version of the Honey Badger and sweetie, no. That didn't end well last time. 

Model Jessika with Farmer Mick

Pros:

Both free on the same afternoon to get fake married

Neither are currently imprisoned abroad

Cons:

John Aiken's involvement

Jealous cattle on Mick's farm

YOU CAN'T USE FAKE SCIENCE TO MATCH STRANGERS FFS

Next we have... oh.

We have a Melissa.

Before we even learn her name, she yells "I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN EIGHT YEARS" and yes we're going to get along just fine.

Given that she's an extrovert, she is paired with 'Dino', a meditation facilitator who will likely be driven to murder by the end of the season, which is bad for society but very good for ratings.

Extrovert Melissa with Meditating Dino

Pros:

N/A

Cons:

Dino

But also Melissa

The fact that they are paired

The part where Trish said they were compatible

Murder is major hurdle in relationship

Melissa doesn't believe in peace or tranquillity. Only yelling.

SHHHH Melissa is shopping for her wedding dress and she's sobbing but also hyperventilating in front of a mirror. She doesn't like how any of the dresses look, and is panicking that she won't find one, reminding us that the wedding industry is a nightmare invented by capitalism to kill women.

But guys... no.

Melissa is running two hours late to her own fake wedding because she slept in for no reason and holy sh*t this woman is actually us.

"I CANNOT BELIEVE I SLEPT IN," she keeps repeating to no one in particular while also interrupting herself with other unrelated thoughts.

Pause.

We don't mean to be judgemental, but... did you set an alarm or not really?

You had somewhere to be today, Melissa.

After becoming locked in her own carpark (??), she does what everyone does when they're halfway to their wedding venue and suddenly unsure of whether they packed their wedding dress: she finds an emergency snack.

Melissa discovers she's running so late to her own fake wedding that she has precisely minus 90 minutes to get her hair and make up done.

She says, "I WISH MY MORNING WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT," (she speaks exclusively in capital letters, you see) and no, Melissa is literally us every morning before work.

"DID YOU THINK I WANTED TO BE LATE?" she asks and like, no, but you still haven't answered why you didn't set an alarm on your fake wedding day?? And why no one woke you up? Like a friend? Or a neighbour??

Somehow, Melissa arrives at her wedding in what appears to be a wedding dress, feeling quite satiated after her emergency car snack.

But then she meets Dino. And horse.

Melissa likes horse very much. Horse is unpredictable. A little wild. Social. A bit... goofy.

Dino, however, takes himself a little seriously (not like horse). During his vows, he goes on a spiritual tangent, but Melissa doesn't need any of this 'Namastar' business. She's perfectly calm and at peace with DEMANDING THAT A DRIVER PULL OVER ON A FREEWAY TO CHECK IF SHE BROUGHT HER WEDDING DRESS WITH HER TO HER WEDDING.

After the wedding, Dino introduces his new wife Melissa to his brother, Hashu to which she respectfully yells "HASHEW LIKE ACCHUU. LIKE A SNEEZE. THAT'S HOW I'LL REMEMBER IT."

Melissa, pls. You can't just call someone a sneeze.

Meanwhile, Dino is harassing her with spirituality talk, recounting some dream he had about a tall mountain, but also a man with a snake around his neck. Melissa is angry because she hasn't even had a chance to tell him about her morning yet which was f*cked so yells "YOUR ANSWER ABOUT THE SNAKE WAS TOO MUCH."

By the time they return to the hotel, Melissa has had enough of Dino and his thoughts.

She remarks that he is taking up too much room in the bed which doesn't appear to be strictly true but we'll allow it.

We wait in anticipation for her to sleep through their honeymoon and for Dino to file for a fake divorce

At another fake wedding venue, Jessika is on her way to blow up her life by marrying a complete stranger on the television.

As Mick waits for her at the altar, her sister comments loudly, "SHE WON'T LIKE HIM..." and ladies, pls. At the very least... whisper.

To their surprise, Jessika thinks Mick is fine, and the wedding is largely uneventful until the best man emerges from underneath the table, excited to make a speech that no one asked for.

He explains that he was with his mate Mick at a bar when "Mick's gone to me, I'm going to take some Viagra".

Oh. Sir.

No.

Not at the wedding.

Fake television weddings are to be approach with respect but also reverence for goodness sake.

But this man is not yet done.

He would like to tell you a story about when Mick "made a tent over himself" and furiously masturbated and holy shit we didn't think you could humiliate people at a fake wedding but it turns out you most certainly can.

"There's places for that kind of talk..." Jessika's dad says and like... is there?

The best man has no idea what he's done mostly because he's intoxicated and in the foetal position, but Jessika's brother Rhyse would like to know what MICK'S INTENTIONS ARE WIF MA SISTA.

They have a civilised conversation, where for some reason Mick is holding two beers in one hand and pretending like the masturbation story wasn't true.

Jessika's dad says, "I'm a thunder clap you know what I mean'" and no one knows what you mean but we know what you mean Mr Jessika's Dad.

All Jessika cares about is that Mick takes this fake wedding as part of a fake experiment business as seriously as she does and he slurs something which sounds like a "ye", but we all know he just can't wait to get back to his room to furiously masturbate.

Until tomorrow night....

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