How to be into superheroes but still have sex with ladies
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DO you know rather too much about superheroes, but also desire a sexual relationship with a real-life woman?
Gatherings outlawed but f**k the law, Covid surging but back to the office, don’t see family but go the pub with strangers
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DOWNING Street has confirmed that for every policy it is introducing the opposite policy so nobody knows what the f**k they are doing ever.
‘It’s my birthday week’ says woman who needs to grow the f**k up
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A SELFISH brat of a woman has announced that she expects her birthday celebrations to last an entire bloody week.
Thank f**k for that, say people planning nights out in Bolton
BOLTONERS are overjoyed that they cannot have a night out in Bolton for the foreseeable future.
Eight specific and limited ways of breaking the law in certain very tightly defined circumstances
THE Government has announced it will break the law to do something it wants to do. When can you do the same?
How to explain to your children that the world has gone to hell
EVERYTHING is bad again and looks unlikely to improve anytime soon. If your inquisitive little darlings are asking if this is the apocalypse, here’s how to explain it.
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Britain united in belief that ‘work anniversaries’ are bullshit
THE only thing that the whole of Britain can still agree on is that the idea of celebrating ‘work anniversaries’ is total bullshit, it has emerged.
Five wonderfully depressing EastEnders Covid-19 storylines
EASTENDERS is back with a bleak lockdown storyline, but there are surely many more pandemic possibilities. What about these?
Frogmore Cottage on AirBNB
FROGMORE Cottage has been listed on holiday rental service AirBNB, it has emerged.
Why men and women can never be just friends, by a man who last had sex in 1997
TAKE it from me, a man who hasn’t got laid this millennium, it’s scientifically impossible for men and women to have platonic friendships and not have sex.
Trains to introduce ‘anti-mask wanker only’ carriages
RAIL operators are to protect passengers with brain cells by introducing carriages exclusively for twats who refuse to wear face masks.
Absolutely hating the bastard school run already at pre-lockdown levels
THE number of parents loathing the school run with every fibre of their being is already at the level it was in March.
The totally unnecessary baby stuff you’ll be conned into buying
ANXIOUS first-time parent? Here’s five essential bits of newborn kit from businesses who capitalising on your gullibility.
Priti Patel to make not reading Daily Mail an act of terrorism
PRITI Patel has vowed to make failure to read the Daily Mail a terrorist act punishable with life in prison.
Wear a jumper, and other really f**king obvious autumn wardrobe ideas
THE leaves are turning, the nights are drawing in, it will soon be f**king freezing. Try these excruciatingly obvious ways of adapting your wardrobe.
Female friendships ‘exhausting’, women confirm
WOMEN have agreed that friendship with other women is too stressful and plan to move to male-style friendships without any obligation for emotional support.
Woman who accidentally cooked vegan meal making massive f**king deal about it
A WOMAN who has realised that the meal she has prepared happens to be vegan will not stop banging on about it.
How to convince the EU you really, really want a No Deal Brexit
YOU’RE in talks with the EU about a trade deal, as you have been for four years, but need to convince them you don’t actually want one. How do you do it?
Five elaborate sex positions that will destroy your love life
LOOKING to spice things up in the bedroom? Try these acrobatic and performative positions that will leave your partner wondering what they see in you.
WHO confirms it’s okay to piss in the garden after four drinks
THE World Health Organisation has advised men that as long as they have consumed a minimum of four alcoholic drinks they are fine to urinate in the garden.