Dad would rather die of dehydration than buy bottled water
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A DAD would rather die of dehydration than buy bottled water, he has confirmed.
How to be a heroic migrant hunter, by Nigel Farage
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IS there any nobler calling than grassing up refugees fleeing war zones? I think not. Here’s my guide to tirelessly standing guard over Britannia's borders.
Eight things to do when your holiday cottage is hit by a massive storm
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HAS your lovely holiday weather been brought to an end by a huge storm? Here’s eight things to do until it’s over.
Teachers are the real bastards, says government
BRITAIN’S biggest problem is not coronavirus or Brexit but the bastards who educate small children, the government has confirmed.
Where are your retired parents getting their fake news from?
HAVE you ever wondered where your retired parents find their extreme right-wing talking points?
Britain warned to expect month’s worth of rain chat in two hours
EXPERTS have warned Britain to prepare for intense periods of mindless chatter about the weather when the heatwave breaks.
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Fill the Channel with sharks: Priti Patel’s migrant defence plan in full
YOU call them migrants. I call it an invasion worse than anything the Nazis planned so our shores must be defended by any means necessary. And I’m home secretary.
A-level student can’t wait to find out what his teacher guessed his grades were
AN A-LEVEL student has admitted he is on tenterhooks to find out what his teachers took a wild guess at his results being.
Cat loves whichever family member is most indifferent to it
A FAMILY cat has decided to bestow her affection on whichever member of the household cares about her the least.
The middle-class guide to dogging
PUBLIC sex with strangers is nothing to be ashamed of, but class differences can still make the atmosphere in the car park rather awkward.
Woman who seeks joy in the little things is an insufferable prick
A WOMAN capable of finding wonder in all life’s hidden gifts is an absolutely unbearable tosspot.
Middle-aged man in face mask trying to chat up checkout girl behind plastic screen
A MIDDLE-AGED man has decided that his face mask and an 8ft plastic screen are no barrier to chatting up a checkout girl in Tesco.
‘Who here likes wasps?’ asks wasp
A WASP has entered a living room in the confident expectation that everyone there will be really pleased to see it.
A gentleman’s guide to staying cool in the heat, by Jacob Rees-Mogg
WHEN Britain ruled the world, its colonial governors wore three-piece suits with top hats and watch chains in the height of Ceylonese summer. As we all should.
I’m A Celebrity UK bushtucker trials to include signing up for Universal Credit
THE CHALLENGES set for celebrities in the UK-based of I'm A Celebrity will include surviving a night out in Cardiff and queuing for three hours for the tip.
UK enjoying lovely day of hot weather while all hot weather activities banned
BRITAIN is looking forward to another day of sweltering weather with all swimming pools closed, beaches overcrowded, and beer gardens dicey at best.
How to justify your pissed, expensive 2am eBay purchases
OH dear, you’ve just drunkenly bought overpriced tat that you'll never use from eBay again, haven’t you? Clear your conscience with these tips:
Ponciest areas of London placed in permanent lockdown
THE ponciest areas of London are to be placed in permanent lockdown, it has been confirmed.
Man finds going to pub too pleasant now
A MAN is disappointed by the post-lockdown pub experience as it appears to involve nothing more than having a quiet drink with friends at a table.
Six low-carb meals that will leave you hungry and depressed
TRYING to cut down on carbs? Prepare these meals, eat them, feel sad and open a family bag of Monster Munch to weep into anyway.