Five reasons why ‘Eat out to help out’ is bollocks
THE government’s half-price meal scheme begins today, but is it bollocks? Here's why you may not be rushing to take up Rishi Sunak’s incredibly generous offer.
The middle class guide to dirty talk
JUST because you’re a nice middle class person it doesn’t mean you can’t talk dirty in the bedroom. Here sex columnist Donna Sheridan shares her tips.
The office worker’s guide to what the f**k ‘an office’ is
YOU’VE been ordered back to ‘the office’. So what is this strange place, and why are you here?
Woman whose home looks stylish in video calls lying to herself and world
A WOMAN who made a corner of her flat appear minimalist and sleek for the purpose of video calls is starting to believe her own lies.
‘You won’t like me before my morning coffee’, jokes woman who no one has ever liked
A WOMAN has joked that she only becomes likeable after her morning coffee, to the surprise of colleagues who hate her at all times of day.
Female physicist trying to pinpoint exact times of prosecco and gin o’clock
A RENOWNED female scientist has made it her life’s work to establish the precise timings of ‘Prosecco o’clock’ and ‘Gin o’clock’.
Eight reasons why the Argos catalogue was better than Amazon
THE end of the Argos catalogue is the end of an era for Britain. Here’s why buying the same crap from Amazon will never feel as good.
‘Glamping’ just as shit as camping
GLAMPING is just camping with a wood-burning stove and a string of fairy lights, new research has found.
I cut out gluten and now everything in my life is perfect
LAST YEAR, I was a wreck. Overweight, ugly, deeply in debt, trapped in an unhappy marriage and playing Russian roulette every Saturday night just to feel alive.
Twat about to scan alcohol through a self-checkout
A TWAT in a busy supermarket is about to f**k up everyone’s day by scanning wine through a self-service checkout, it has emerged.
Five places to wear your mask to rile up the gammons
EVERYONE’S wearing masks now, but do you want to raise the blood pressure of gammons even more? These five locations should outrage the already red-faced.
White van man takes neutral stance on woman’s arse
A WHITE van driver has no strong feelings towards the arse of a nearby woman, thinking it neither good, bad or worthy of comment.
Six album covers you used to look at that had boobs on
WHEN you were a teenager and explicit content of any kind was hard to come by, there were always these six albums to help you through.
MDMA not great for social distancing, party reports
A PARTY has acknowledged that if you want to keep up social distancing, MDMA is not the right drug.
‘I really like it in here’, says man on toilet
A MAN who has been on the loo for the past 40 minutes while his family is downstairs has quietly admitted that this is the best part of his day.
Five staycations you can still be a middle class show-off about
HAVE travel chaos and quarantine ruined your plans for a posh foreign holiday you can show off about? Here are some horribly bourgeois British alternatives.
Men who bring guitars to the park ‘worst people ever’
MEN who take their guitars to parks and play them are the worst people in existence, it has been confirmed.
Stop being friendly to each other you weird bastards, South orders North
THE South has ordered the North to stop being all weird and friendly and in and out of each other's houses, supposedly because of coronavirus.
Only idiots enjoy very hot weather, say experts
PEOPLE who relish stifling temperatures of 30-plus degrees have smaller brains than those who do not, experts believe.
The Daily Mail guide to covering the Royal Family
WOULD you like to develop a hysterical love/hate relationship with the Royal Family? Here Daily Mail news editor Tom Logan explains how to go about it.