News in Brief‘I Want You To Love Again One Day,’ Whispers Dying Man Clearly Overestimating Amount Of Grief Wife Will ExperienceNORFOLK, VA—Mustering the last of his strength to turn and face his wife, local dying man Stanley Tarrington, 58, reportedly used his final labored breaths Wednesday to tell Mary Anne Tarrington, 54, that she should one day love another, a clear…
The TopicalCity Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots VictimsAuthorities in Carson City are calling it one of the most underwhelming serial killers the city has ever seen, and are hoping to put an end to this chilling, yet uncreative rampage before the murderer strikes again.
News in BriefTrump Slaughters Dozens Of American Troops In Hopes Of Cashing In On Russian BountiesBAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN—Following intelligence reports that Moscow offered to pay Taliban-linked militants to kill coalition forces in Afghanistan, President Donald Trump reportedly slaughtered dozens of U.S. service members Monday in hopes of cashing…
News in BriefLibertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire DepartmentCHEYENNE, WY—After attempting to contain a living-room blaze started by a cigarette, card-carrying Libertarian Trent Jacobs reluctantly called the Cheyenne Fire Department Monday. “Although the community would do better to rely on an efficient,…
News in BriefFreshman Who Would Have Fallen Through Dorm Window First Weekend Sad To Miss Out On College Experience
News in BriefYeah, Yeah, Nation Gets It, We Rapidly Approaching End Of Critical Window To Avert Climate Collapse Or Whatever
News in BriefCongress Announces Willingness To Offer Black Lives Matter Protesters Holiday Or StatueWASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of taking concrete steps to address systemic racism and police brutality in the United States, Congress reportedly announced Monday their willingness to offer Black Lives Matter protesters a holiday or statue.…
News in BriefBiden Campaign Fundraising Email Reminds Donors Sexual Assault Allegations Don’t Bury Themselves
News In PhotosGeorgia Secretary Of State Vows To Investigate Why Some Residents Forced To Wait 2 Centuries To Vote
The TopicalVictoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place
News in BriefCity Enters Phase 4 Of Pretending Coronavirus OverDALLAS—Saying the city remained on track for progressing into the final stage, Mayor Eric Johnson told Dallas residents Friday that they would soon officially be entering Phase 4 of pretending the coronavirus was over. “Thanks to the efforts of…
NewsCome On: Someone Just Spray-Painted ‘Gamers Rule’ On The Taj Mahal And, While We Generally Agree, It’s Pretty Messed Up To Deface A Cultural Landmark
News in BriefGamers, We Just Spent 4 Days Trapped In A Rolled-Over Minivan And We’re Genuinely Pissed That Nobody Reported Us Missing When We Didn’t Cover The ‘Ratchet & Clank’ News
News in BriefEconomist Has Great Idea For Sitcom Where Keynesian And Friedmanite Have To Live Together
Sports News In BriefFantasy Baseball League Commissioner Knows Handling Of Pandemic Will Define His Legacy
