The TopicalThe Topical: Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place
News in BriefTrump Slaughters Dozens Of American Troops In Hopes Of Cashing In On Russian BountiesBAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN—Following intelligence reports that Moscow offered to pay Taliban-linked militants to kill coalition forces in Afghanistan, President Donald Trump reportedly slaughtered dozens of U.S. service members Monday in hopes of cashing…
News in BriefVacuous Fool Using ‘Wicker’ And ‘Rattan’ InterchangeablySOUTH BURLINGTON, VT—Scrolling through the comments of her Etsy page and scoffing with disdain, craft enthusiast Mary Gehlhausen told reporters that a vacuous fool had used the word “wicker” and “rattan” interchangeably. “What was she, born…
News in BriefGod Sends Sympathy Card After Killing Man’s WifeTHE HEAVENS—In a kind gesture intended to address the man’s profound grief after his loss, God, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly sent a sympathy card Tuesday to 56-year-old Arizona resident Greg Harris after killing his wife. “Reaching out in this…
News in Brief‘Yeah, We Could Invite Friends Over And Call It A Supper Club!’ Says Couple Unknowingly Brainstorming End Of Own RelationshipTUCSON, AZ—Stressing that group dining could be a great way to bring together their disparate social groups and maybe even learn a few things about cooking, Arizona couple Brendon Tossier and Melissa Guilford spent Friday enthusiastically discussing…
News in BriefYeah, Yeah, Nation Gets It, We Rapidly Approaching End Of Critical Window To Avert Climate Collapse Or Whatever
NewsGet Excited, Gamers! Activision Shot Down A French Plane Over Icelandic Waters To Start A New War To Set ‘Call Of Duty’ Games In
News in BriefStudy Finds It Would Be Extremely Satisfying To Have Intercourse With An A-List Celebrity
News in BriefMan Doing Whippet While Setting Off M-80 In Woods Behind Hardee’s Takes Moment To Reflect On How Promise Of Freedom Yet Unfulfilled
News in BriefCongress Announces Willingness To Offer Black Lives Matter Protesters Holiday Or StatueWASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of taking concrete steps to address systemic racism and police brutality in the United States, Congress reportedly announced Monday their willingness to offer Black Lives Matter protesters a holiday or statue.…
News in BriefBiden Campaign Fundraising Email Reminds Donors Sexual Assault Allegations Don’t Bury Themselves
News In PhotosGeorgia Secretary Of State Vows To Investigate Why Some Residents Forced To Wait 2 Centuries To Vote
The TopicalVictoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place
The TopicalMental Health Experts Warn Veterans’ PTSD Can Be Triggered By Sound Of Neighbors Shooting Off Fourth Of July RPGs
The TopicalTide Accused Of Over-Inflating Number Of Children Who Roll Around In Mud Puddles Before Running Into House
News in BriefCity Enters Phase 4 Of Pretending Coronavirus OverDALLAS—Saying the city remained on track for progressing into the final stage, Mayor Eric Johnson told Dallas residents Friday that they would soon officially be entering Phase 4 of pretending the coronavirus was over. “Thanks to the efforts of…
NewsCome On: Someone Just Spray-Painted ‘Gamers Rule’ On The Taj Mahal And, While We Generally Agree, It’s Pretty Messed Up To Deface A Cultural Landmark
News in BriefGamers, We Just Spent 4 Days Trapped In A Rolled-Over Minivan And We’re Genuinely Pissed That Nobody Reported Us Missing When We Didn’t Cover The ‘Ratchet & Clank’ News
News in BriefEconomist Has Great Idea For Sitcom Where Keynesian And Friedmanite Have To Live Together
News In PhotosTuba Player In John Williams Orchestra Loves Giving Little Toot When Something Dramatic Happens
Sports News In BriefFantasy Baseball League Commissioner Knows Handling Of Pandemic Will Define His Legacy
