The election: in sci-fi monsters

It has come to my attention that very few political bloggers are intending to compare this election to a science fiction epic.

This is very disappointing indeed and so, in order to redress this sorry state of affairs, I thought I'd write a post on what sci-fi monster each party resembles the most. Vital research I'm sure you'll agree.

Tories: The tripods (War of the worlds)

As ghastly alien invaders intent on obliterating every man, woman and child upon the Earth the Conservatives do indeed resemble the tripods.

The tripods are a remorseless and unfeeling bunch who are repelled by humanity, attempting to literally wipe it from the face of the Earth. The Tories sadly may get their hands on the nuclear button but even their stated intention of dismantling public services stone by stone, job by job bears far too much resemblance to the classic sci-fi monsters.

Weakness: The tripods were brought down by an infection. Simply by breathing the same air as the poor it may well be that the Tory war machine will be brought to a shuddering halt as its immune system cannot cope with the contradiction between a society that isn't bothered by gay people and doesn't give much of a shit about marriage and their own innate reactionary perspectives.

Lib-Dems: Sontarans (Dr Who)

The Sontarans are an invincible race of warrior clones who live for the battle and give very little thought to what they may do after they are victorious.

Seeking to obliterate all in their paths Sontarans are consumed with hatred for all non-Sontaran life forms but despite their fearsome reputation can be disabled with a simple ping pong ball and a good eye. Try this on the next Lib Dem canvasser that comes to your door - trust me, it really works!

A Lib Dem canvasser might say to their candidate: "Sire, allow me the honour of covering the Grove Park estate entirely naked save for my bar charts and this enormous laser pistol."

Greens: Ewoks (Star Wars)

We may look fluffy and harmless but we're armed to the teeth with spears and communist ideology.

Consistently under-estimated by Jedis and evil Empire alike the Ewoks are capable of bringing down even a mighty Death Star down at close range.

In Norwich South Green Party deputy leader Adrian Ramsay (pictured) often dresses in traditional East Anglian clothing before embarking on another round of midnight leafleting.

Labour: Vicki (I.Robot)

Gordon Brown's original pick for Labour's election slogan was "Our logic is irrefutable" which was a nod towards Vicki, the revolutionary super-computer from I.Robot.

After thinking through the logic of her guiding principles she comes to realise that humanity cannot be trusted to look after itself and that, in order to serve her higher purpose, it would be necessary to save humanity from itself.

This generally takes the form of smashing up buildings, devouring its own and shooting at black people, more specifically the superbly sculpted Will Smith. But remember, it's all for our own good.

I have heard that only way to truly destroy the Labour Party would be to storm Number Ten and insert a tube of Nano-bots directly into Gordon Brown's brain. However, I'm fairly sure this constitutes a violation of the Terrorism Act and therefore is not to be attempted on a full stomach.

Next week: the political leaders and kids TV characters.

Is it time for the Time Ladies?

Noticed this great letter in the Independent today.

Sorry, but Liz Hoggard (5 April) is wrong. The Doctor cannot regenerate as a woman. There are female Time Lords, but the male ones regenerate as males, and the females as female. We can be certain of that not only because of our previous encounters on Gallifrey with the Time Lords, but also from observing their society, where, if male Time Lords could regenerate into females there would have been more females on the High Council.

Ruth Coomber, Needham Market, Suffolk

It starts off all geek and then, BOOM, in with the glass ceiling point. Nice.