French cuisine (chapter one)

As you know I'm in France. I like the various similarities and uncertainties that go with being on unfamiliar terrain. Without wanting to get too Pulp Fiction about it, it really is the little differences that get you. One of the things I've been hankering after for a while was a chance to sample the French version of our English national dish - the kebab. I finally got my chance and was not disappointed.

The shop itself was bathed in frenetic disco lights and pop music even though it was still early afternoon. It was also packed with French/Turkish people, which would be unusual in England. The menus were in both French and pigeon English, confirming my opinion that the English abroad are creatures of habit, and I'm one of their kind - although I'm pretty certain they didn't really sell 'frozen bread' at 25 cents.

So, to select a kebab. Almost every alternative came with the option of additional cheese. That threw me a bit, but it turned out I needn't have worried as this was a huge slab of fried cheese that was to be slapped straight on top of whatever you'd ordered. A vital component of your daily salt and fat requirements no doubt.

I also saw with interest that a chips in pitta, or chip butty to you and me, was simply called a 'Belgian'. Combined with their delightful buns this must make Belgium a nation of admirably simple tastes.

The menu all seemed very familiar, despite a little light renaming going on, and I plumped for a 'kefte' - large spicy balls of lamb. After some haggling I managed to negotiate garlic sauce, which is apparently known as blanc.

The first thing of note was that the salad was tucked into the bottom of the bread with meat on-top. So while UK kebabs are designed so they can be mainly eaten out of the pitta their French counterparts are designed to be less messy eaten sandwich-style out of a fluffier, more delicate pitta.

My companion had the civilised version, ie vegetarian and with a plate, while I had paper, tray and very moist, tasty spiced meat. It was interesting to see that the salad came with a very French style dressing, even with its blob of blanc on the side.

Despite being denied the pleasure of picking apart the kebab with my bare hands I have to say my kefte was absolutely delicious and extremely filling. I could have done without the disco lighting but the kebabistas were fun and the whole experience well worth while. If you're ever near Dijon station make sure you stop by for, at the very least, a Belgian.

An aside

Last night I was listening to someone talking about healthy eating and how important it was. They mentioned pies three times as an example of things that are bad for you.

Ever since I've not been able to concentrate for thinking about those naughty pies. Just a few minutes ago I finished a deliciously greasy steak and kidney pie, something I've not eaten for months.

Let this be a warning to others who wish to make me eat a balanced diet - you may do more harm than good!

Jim's Vegetarian Treats: Part One: Apples

First purchase your apple.

- choose your variety to taste. Each to their own.
- if you don't hold the planet and its inhabitants in complete contempt please try to buy local.

Alternatively.

- you may prefer to steal your apple. This is one of the only acceptable reasons to go into a Tesco Express.
- unlike when you use your hard moolah please do not steal from local, independent shops.
- for the true eco-anarchist you should steal your apple direct from a local orchard, straight from the tree, colloquially known as 'scrumping'.

Rub your apple.

- I use a left-handed, brisk polishing motion to my breast pocket.
- You may use either hand.
- You might prefer to apply your apple to the thigh of your jeans, the tummy of your jumper or you may prefer the more traditional upper arm of your jacket.
- It is not socially acceptable to use your back jeans pocket, a scarf, towel or, indeed, your socks.

Lastly, eat your apple.

- one bite at a time.
- chew a responsibly for each and every mouthful.

How much of the apple do I eat?

- some people discard the core. This is the kind of profligate eco-criminality that has sent the world spinning towards its untimely demise. I consume the core, with pips, then chew the stalk stuck at a jaunty angle from the left corner of my mouth.
- alternatively you can compost the remains.