Need Someone Who Bats (Cool for Cats)

To the tune of Cool For Cats by The Squeeze (with apologies)

The Indians send signals
From the Narrows overpass
The WACA groundstaff drinking
On the pitch and on the grass

Sharma's with the captain
Munching lamb chops with Dhoni
He doesn't mind the curry
It's the media he don't need

He likes to ride on go karts
When the coach is fast asleep
He wakes to find the spirit's dead
And arrows in their backs
And Bradley Haddin rides around
And says 'you need someone who bats, someone who bats...'

Hilfy’s bowling ninety
'Cos he's got the word to go
They've got a gang of pacemen
In the sheds ready to go
They're throwing down the bouncers
The openers choke again
In and out the changerooms
Single numbers on their names
It's funny how their scorecards
Always look the bleedin' same
And meanwhile in the nets
There's a couple of Aussie lads
Who swear like Rodney Marsh
That they're very keen to bat
They're keen to bat

To change the mood a little
Tendulkar's bought in some flash grub
Cooked by Gogo Govardham
Lamb chops fat and plump
They fancy this, they fancy that
They wanna have a dash
They do a bit of sledging
Bout the grass that's on the track
All they get is caught behind and stumped behind their back
And by the time last drinks are called
They’re miserable and sad
And ev'rybody tells them that they need someone who bats
Someone who bats

Shake up at selection
And they think they've got Pup's mark
They fire down the short balls
And he nails them to the wall
He misses for the first time
And then they drop a catch
He notches up a triple ton
They choke on lamb chop bones
He likes to go the tonk you see
But he's not on his own

He said I'll see you later
And sends them in to bat
But it's not happy in Chennai
They want someone who bats
Someone who bats

I'm over the Aussie flag

Is it just me, or was this Australia Day a virtual patchwork quilt of Aussie flags flying from every vehicular orifice available?

I spent the long weekend up at Lancelin, two hours north of Perth, and the number of flags rose proportionately with the number of dirt / quad bikes on the back of trailers hitched up to preposterously large SUVs.

Greath swathes of sand dune conquering machinery festooned with the Aussie flag were lined up at the back of the bakery, as singleted, sand blown occupants spilled forth like ants joining the queue for their meat pies and iced coffee.

I am SO over that bloody flag.

The only saving grace was not actually seeing anyone wearing it this year. But there were plenty of board shorts, hats, bikinis and YES, singlets adorned with the Union Jack and its little mate the Southern Cross to make up for it.

What is it with all this OTT patriotism? Good lord, there was even a young bloke in the weekend paper getting the Southern Cross tattooed across his torso.

Funny thing is, I don't actually know anyone who had a car flag, or any other flag for that matter. Despite the fact that in Lancelin - and no doubt across WA - there were at least three flags for every man, woman, child and dog.

Is the crowd I mix with un-Australian? Is the fact that we find all this nationalist fervour somewhat cringeworthy a bad thing? I suspect not. At least we weren't hitting each other over the head with beer bottles.

But what is un-Australian is the fact that my local butcher ran out of lamb chops! Sam Kekovich's head finally made its way into my subconscious and I took heed of his mantra only for my butcher to let the side - no, no, the country - down.

Then the Aussie cricket team posted an epic-fail to lose the current series 3-1 and all of a sudden I didn't know what country I was in. I had a chicken stir-fry and watched a French film on SBS.

I WILL take the Christmas tree down next weekend...